Set Adrift
by sheepish123
Summary: Sequel to "Come Tumbling Down". Beth copes with severe PTSD while on vacation with Janice, Amanda, and Tracy. Takes place several months after her abduction by Ray. Dark. Please note the trigger warnings inside. Beth/Janice pairing.
1. Chapter 1

**This story is the sequel to "Come Tumbling Down", so please read that one first. :) There are trigger warnings with this story, because it deals with the subjects of rape and self harm. Beth will be pretty OOC because of the PTSD and anxiety she is suffering from. It gets pretty dark, so please be warned. Hope you enjoy.**

xxx

" _I feel like just I'm sinking_

 _And I claw for solid ground_

 _I'm pulled down by the undertow_

 _I never thought I could feel so low_

 _Oh darkness I feel like letting go."_

xxx

The first thing Beth became aware of was the pounding beat of The Spice Girls song "Wannabe" and Tracy's somewhat off key voice warbling along to the lyrics. She cracked one eye open, confused, and took in the lush, rolling landscape whizzing by outside the window.

"Morning, sunshine," Tracy said cheerfully, poking her in the side. "Did you have a nice nap?"

She could hear Janice and Amanda chuckling in the front seat.

"I told you the music was too loud," Amanda admonished.

"Not to mention the, um, interesting singing to go along with it," Janice added.

Beth stretched and shot her best friend a smile, Tracy grinning back at her. It was good to see her in such a happy mood. She shook herself out of her sleepy daze, remembering that they were in Amanda's SVU, on the way to her parents' cottage in Lake Tahoe, several hours away from the hustle and bustle of downtown Los Angeles. Jack and Ben, along with Vicki Gregg, were holding down the fort at the Threat Assessment Unit while she and Janice took a week off, along with Amanda and Tracy.

Beth had not been on board with this apparently much-needed vacation, but had finally caved after weeks of begging and pleading from Tracy, and then finally being told by Amanda that they were able to have the cottage for the entire week but she would call the whole thing off if Beth didn't join them. She had rolled her eyes, realizing she was being played, but also knowing that she couldn't ruin it for the rest of them. Janice had been uncharacteristically quiet about the whole thing and Beth honestly wasn't sure if her co-worker was glad to have her along for the trip or not. Things hadn't been the same between she and Janice since the whole ordeal with Ray and Perry. Beth knew that it was her fault but she didn't know how to fix things at this point, and she wasn't sure if she was capable of even trying. All she knew was that she missed Janice terribly.

She watched her co-worker laughing in the front seat with Amanda and felt a pang of intense sadness. So many times over the past several months she had wanted to call Janice, to curl up in her arms and cry, like she used to do when everything had become overwhelming. But so much had changed since her time in the cabin with Ray. She was a different person now. That person who had come crawling out her shell while Ray and Perry were on the loose, the one who drank beer and played games with Jack and Ben, the one who slept in the same bed as Janice and basically had her move in, the one who had learned to ask for help and take comfort from others, was gone.

It was like it was before, with Tracy being the only person she really spoke to and saw outside of work, but even that was different. Tracy was open and honest about her own ordeal at the hands of Ray and Perry, and was seeking help for her PTSD in the form of a therapist and support group, and seemed to be doing better. She was back at work at her restaurant and sleeping well again. Beth was more than happy to help her through her rough times but couldn't open up about what she herself had gone through, even with her best friend. It was like she had been forcibly sucked back into that shell, never to emerge again.

The world she lived in now was so black and hopeless, and was somehow even worse than after her family had died. But she was alone in it now. She knew that was entirely her own doing, but just couldn't make the choice to reach out for help.

She felt a hand wrap around hers and looked over to see Tracy squeezing her fingers. "You okay?" she mouthed.

Beth nodded and forced a smile, resisting the urge to pull her hand away.

Tracy looked like she was going to say something else, but they realized that the SUV was pulling over to the side of the road. They were only halfway to their destination, so Beth wondered why they were stopping.

"Hey, what's up?" Tracy asked. "Pit stop?"

"I actually need someone else to drive the rest of the way, sorry," Amanda said. "I've had a headache for most of the day and it's been getting worse for the past while. I can help with directions. I just need to close my eyes for a little bit."

The guilt washed over Beth immediately, and she tried to push it down. Amanda had been coping with migraines since she had been accosted by Ray outside Jack's house and had her head smashed against her car door. That had happened the night before Beth had been abducted and Ben had been shot. Thinking of Ben made the guilt ratchet up even further. Even though he was doing better now as well, and had been back at work for quite awhile, it had been touch and go at first, with a few surgeries and physical therapy and two full months off work. He, like Amanda and Tracy, would likely have lifelong deficits from their ordeals, either mental or physical or both.

"Here, Amanda, take some Tylenol," Janice said, producing a bottle of pills from her purse. "Switch seats with me and I'll drive."

"No, I'll drive, Janice," Tracy said. "You've been putting in long hours. You guys just take a break and I'll get us there, no problem." She smiled at Amanda as the blonde lawyer got out of the driver's seat. "You okay, honey?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine," Amanda replied, although she looked a little unsteady on her feet. "Janice, do you mind if I sit in your seat? I can tilt it back and take some of the pressure off my head."

"Oh, sure, whatever you need." Janice thew Beth a quick glance and then got out of the car, letting Amanda sit in the passenger seat.

Beth moved into the middle seat in the back, as Amanda tilted her seat back and closed her eyes, and Janice got back into the car, settling into the seat beside her. She suddenly felt closed in and uncomfortable and wished Tracy was beside her again.

"Hey, Beth," Janice said softly, smiling at her, their arms brushing against each other from sitting so close. "How's it going?"

"It's going fine," Beth replied, smiling tightly back at her.

"Good. I'm glad to hear it." Janice directed her gaze out the window, stifling a sigh.

Beth glanced over at the other woman, unable to shake the hopeless feeling that had consumed her. She was crushingly lonely, despite being surrounded by her friends and co-workers. Janice looked sad and beautiful and Beth wanted to reach out and take her hand, to feel that connection between them again. She had grown out her short strawberry blonde hair over the past several months and it was pulled back into a ponytail that hung to her shoulder blades. She was wearing a green and white sleeveless blouse and jean shorts, and Beth noticed goosebumps on her arms, likely from the air conditioning.

She reached onto the floor behind the passenger seat and pulled a thin pink blanket out of one of the many bags crammed into the SUV. She held it out to Janice. "Here."

Janice looked over at her in surprise. "What's that for?"

Beth shrugged. "You have goosebumps on your arms. You're cold."

Janice smiled at her again. "Thanks." She pulled the blanket over her lap and looked at her boss for a moment, her eyes unreadable. Then she turned back to the window.

Beth leaned her head back against the seat and closed her eyes. Janice didn't deserve to be treated the way she had been treating her since she had been rescued from Ray. She and Jack had been instrumental in finding her. They hadn't given up.

Sometimes, though, she wished they had.

xxx

" _I can't stop how I'm feeling_

 _It's like I need you_

 _And if you let me, I can fix you_

 _Let me fix you."_

xxx

Janice stared out the window at the gorgeous landscape. She should feel happy right now. She had an entire week off from the TAU, and she was on her way to an amazing destination with three woman that she had grown to love over the past years and months. The sun was shining and it was peaceful in a way it hadn't been several months back. The peace was an uneasy one, though, or that's how Janice felt. Even though Ray and Perry were both dead, she was somehow still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She glanced over at her boss, seeing that Beth had fallen asleep again, her head turned slightly away from Janice, her breathing deep and even. Amanda had put the passenger seat back into its upright position and was directing Tracy on which road to turn down. They were talking softly, giggling from time to time, and Janice's lips quirked into a half smile as she listened to them. Despite all the horrible things that had happened, Beth's abduction, Ben's shooting, the awful events had cemented the friendships between all the women in the car.

Well, it had cemented the friendships between Janice, Amanda, and Tracy. Beth was another story. She had regressed in all of her relationships since being rescued from the cabin that Ray had taken her to. As quickly as she and Janice had bonded, to the point of crossing over to something more than friendship, it had fizzled out faster than it had started, as soon as Beth had been found. She had immediately moved in with Tracy for an entire month afterwards, and Janice had returned to her lonely apartment. Nothing Janice had done had made a difference. At first she had pushed to see Beth constantly, trying to get her to open up about what had happened, and when that hadn't worked, she had stepped back to give her some space, with the expectation that it would only be temporary. Beth had been off work for a few weeks, and when she came back, it was the way it had been for the four years prior. They were co-workers and nothing more. She had been just as distant with Jack and Amanda. The tension had eased a little after Ben had finally returned to work two months later, after multiple surgeries and a lot of rehab. They slowly became a team again, and even spent a few evenings together here and there, enjoying pizza and beer and movies. But it wasn't the same.

Things had changed a lot in the past several months. Beth had sold her house and moved into a high rise apartment with excellent security. Amanda had broken up with her boyfriend Trent and gotten back together with Jack. They were now living together with their son Ethan. Ben was in a serious relationship with a woman who worked in the anti-terrorism unit, and Janice was dating Molly on and off, the woman she had picked up in a bar because of her resemblance to Beth. She had to admit that that part was awkward, but she hadn't introduced Molly to the rest of the team, and she was similar to her boss in looks only. They were worlds apart, personality wise, and they broke up and got back together every other week, it seemed. It was a contentious relationship, but Janice enjoyed the sex and she needed the distraction. Molly was several years younger and her maturity level was sometimes an issue, but she was fun when she wasn't being a high maintenance bitch.

But Janice was completely heartbroken. Her love for Beth had not disappeared, and in fact, had only grown stronger over the months. It killed her to see the other woman in such pain. Beth hid it well, she had to admit, but because of their time living together and how close they had become, she could read the signs. She knew Beth wasn't sleeping or eating much. She suspected that, like Tracy, she was suffering from PTSD, but unlike Tracy, was not doing anything about it. She had been forced to see the department psychologist for a mandatory assessment and counseling, following the abduction, but had stopped as soon as she was allowed. Janice only knew these things because Tracy kept her informed, as much as she was able, without betraying Beth's confidence.

Tracy had had a very rough go in the aftermath of her own abduction by Ray and finding out that she had been used by Perry as a pawn to get to Beth, but had been proactive in getting help afterwards. She saw a psychiatrist every week and was part of a support group that met twice a month. She had made friends with a few of the women there and was working full time at her job again. As far as Janice could tell, she was doing a hell of a lot better than Beth was.

The other woman made a soft noise in her sleep, and Janice turned to look at her, noticing that Beth was frowning and her breathing was faster. Her heart clenched, wondering how many nightmares Beth had suffered by herself, how many times she had awakened screaming, only to find that she was alone.

Amanda and Tracy were engrossed in conversation in the front seat and didn't notice Beth's distress. Janice didn't want to alert them to what was going on, so she laid a hand on the other woman's arm and shook her lightly. "Wake up," she whispered. "It's okay."

Beth's eyes flew open, looking around wildly, before locking on Janice's worried gaze.

"It's alright, you were just dreaming," Janice whispered. "You're safe. You're in the car with us. It's just us girls." Her hand was still gripping Beth's arm, her thumb rubbing back and forth soothingly.

Beth stared at her for a moment and then nodded, her breathing slowing down. Janice longed to put her arms around her and pull her close, like she used to do, but just kept her hand on the smaller woman's arm, gently stroking her soft skin. Frankly she was shocked that Beth was letting her touch her at all. Her boss was great at keeping her distance from everyone, both physically and emotionally, and for months now, the two of them had done barely more than accidentally brush up against each other. Janice noticed that even though Amanda had put the passenger seat back up and there was space behind it again, Beth had not moved back over to her previous seat. She took that as a good sign and a step in the right direction.

"Are you alright?" she asked softly, her thumb still rubbing slow circles on her boss' arm.

Beth looked at Janice and her eyes shimmered with tears for a second before she blinked and they were gone. She opened her mouth to say something, but just then Tracy let out a squeal from the driver's seat and cranked up the volume on the radio.

"Oh, I love this song!" she shrieked and Amanda started laughing.

Like a spell had broken, Beth pulled away from her, and Janice sighed. It was too hard to have any kind of intimate conversation with the others in the car. Maybe they would get some alone time once they got to the cottage. They were going to be there for an entire week, after all. Janice doubted all four of them would be spending every waking hour together. Or she hoped they wouldn't be, anyway.

Bruno Mars' "Uptown Funk" came bursting through the speakers, and Tracy immediately started singing. She was soon joined by Amanda, who had a surprisingly good voice, when she wasn't laughing at Tracy's antics. Tracy was adding her own actions to the song and Amanda chastised her through chuckles to keep her hands on the wheel.

The pounding beat and her friends' enthusiasm was contagious, and Janice began to sing as well. She glanced over at Beth and saw a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

"Come on, Beth!" Tracy yelled, angling the rear view mirror toward her best friend. "You know this song! How many times have we listened to it?"

Beth shook her head and laughed, and then threw back her head, and joined in, quite loudly. Tracy and Amanda exchanged surprised glances in the front seat, and Janice turned to look at Beth with a giant grin. Beth grinned back and the four of them sang their hearts out for the rest of the song. When it was over, they all burst out laughing and there was a round of applause.

Janice glanced at Beth as everyone settled back down, and noticed a sparkle in her eye and the smile on her lips. She suddenly felt so much lighter. Maybe this trip would be good for all of them.

xxx

 _*Song lyrics are from Sarah Mclachlan's "Full of Grace" and Vita Chambers' "Fix You"_


	2. Chapter 2

**Before you read this chapter, just a reminder that Beth Davis' real name is Michelle Webber.**

xxx

" _And all the roads we have to walk are winding_

 _And all the lights that lead us there are blinding_

 _There are many things that I_

 _Would like to say to you but I don't know how_

 _Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me."_

xxx

They arrived in Lake Tahoe a few hours later, in high spirits. After singing along to a multitude of songs from different decades, they were hoarse but happy. Beth had remained in the middle seat for the rest of the trip, relishing being close to Janice. It was comforting and fun having the other woman right beside her, and she knew that Janice felt the same way. She was glad that she didn't have her usual urge to put as much physical distance between them as possible. Those urges made her feel sad, especially since they had once been so close, but most of the time she just couldn't control the overwhelming need to flee when other people were around, including the one person she had been closer to than anyone else.

Amanda was back in the driver's seat, and she directed them down a rugged, tree lined road, to a long driveway leading to a large pale yellow cottage with white trim. It sat on a huge property, dotted here and there with massive old trees, the lawn sloping gently down to a sandy beach with a dock. The water beyond sparkled turquoise in the sunlight. Huge boulders lined the beach on either side of the property. A few canoes and jet skis were lined up next to the dock and an old red pickup truck sat in the driveway.

"This is gorgeous," Tracy breathed, as the SUV came to a stop and everyone piled out.

"It's amazing," Janice agreed, pulling her sunglasses which had been resting on top of head, back down over her eyes. "Thank you so much for bringing us here, Amanda."

"You're more than welcome," Amanda said with a smile. "I'm so glad you could all come. This is going to be a great week! Let's get all our stuff inside and I'll show you around."

Beth looked around with great interest as they unloaded the SUV and trooped inside. She hadn't been thrilled about this trip at first, but she had to admit that it was incredible here. She had never been to Lake Tahoe before, and Amanda parents' property was lovely.

There was a large wraparound porch with a swing, that led up to a screen door. They walked into an open-concept design, a spacious kitchen and eating area to the left and a two-story great room straight ahead, with a massive stone fireplace and floor-to-ceiling windows, and a sliding glass door that led out onto a large deck complete with a hot tub.

"This place has four bedrooms, so we each get our own room," Amanda explained, as they climbed the stairs to the second floor. There was a railing to the right, that overlooked the great room, and the bedrooms and bathrooms were straight ahead and to the left. "We just need to decide who gets which room."

"Well, this is your parents' place and it was your idea to come here, so you should get the master," Tracy said graciously. "The rest of us will pick between the other rooms."

Beth ended up getting the bedroom on the end, and was privately relieved that it was next to Janice's. It was small but nice, with light blue walls and a four poster bed with what looked like a handmade quilt draped over it. A screen door led out to a tiny balcony that overlooked the magnificent front yard and bright blooming flower beds.

It was late in the afternoon by that point, so everyone quickly unpacked and then reconvened in the kitchen to start getting ready for dinner. They were having steak on the barbecue to celebrate the first night of vacation. A little while later they were out on the deck with glasses of wine and plates full of steak, baked potatoes, fresh green beans, and corn on the cob.

"This is the life," Janice said, sighing contentedly as she took a sip of wine. "You're so lucky you got to come here every summer growing up, Amanda."

"I definitely was," she agreed. "My sisters and I had a great childhood. And I've been bringing Ethan here since he was born. Even when we lived in New York, we'd make the trip every summer.

"I would have killed to have somewhere like this to go as a kid," Tracy said. "It rained all the time in England, so most of our beach trips were rather soggy."

Beth leaned back in her chair, listening to her friends talk, and felt a peacefulness wash over her that she hadn't felt in months. The sun was sparkling like diamonds on the water and a breeze ruffled her long dark hair. She had actually cleaned her entire plate for the first time in a long time, and had a full belly. Tracy was talking and laughing animatedly with Janice and Amanda, and it was so good to see her best friend enjoying herself. Tracy had been working so hard to help herself over the past while and Beth was proud of her. It had killed her on all those nights she had stayed at Tracy's place and her friend had woken up screaming from horrific nightmares. She had held her and rocked her and soothed her, never letting on that she herself was suffering the same, Once in awhile Beth woke up screaming herself, but most of the time she was able to catch herself before Tracy awoke as well. On the nights she couldn't get a hold of herself, it was hard to let her best friend comfort her. Her skin crawled most of the time other people touched her, even the people she loved.

She glanced over at Janice and felt that familiar ache whenever she looked at her, but tried to shake it off. Her feelings for the other woman were so complicated, she usually pushed them away, instead of trying to deal with them. Most of the time she felt an odd combination of wanting to throw herself into Janice's arms and weep, and wanting to run away from her. The other woman looked so beautiful, wisps of hair from her strawberry blonde ponytail floating in the breeze, laughing in between sips of wine. Her mind unexpectedly flashed back to the night of the blackout, when she and her co-worker had shared a bubble bath, and she felt a blush creeping up her neck and into her cheeks.

"Penny for your thoughts, Beth," Amanda suddenly said, and Beth realized that the conversation had stopped and everyone was looking at her.

"Yeah, you're being very quiet over there," Tracy added, her voice teasing. "You're looking a little red in the face. Don't tell me you're sunburned already?

Beth stuttered out a laugh. "Uh, it's nothing. Sorry, just drifted off for a minute." She glanced over at Janice, noticing the taller woman regarding her with one eyebrow slightly arched.

"Well, you must have drifted off somewhere nice," Tracy said, and they all shared a laugh and the conversation continued on as before, much to Beth's relief.

They took their time finishing dinner and then cleaning up. By that point it was getting later in the evening and the sun was going down, so they decided to sit in the hot tub with their glasses of wine. Between the little white lights strung up around the deck and the breathtaking sunset over the water, everything looked magical.

Beth had a few glasses of wine in her system now and her usual dark mood seemed to have taken a vacation as well. It was both freeing and bizarre to feel so light and cheerful after many months of feeling anything but. The difference in her mood from even that morning was stunning.

She and Janice were sitting on one side of the hot tub with Amanda and Tracy on the other. As the evening got later and it got darker, the laughter got more raucous and the conversation turned to dating and marriage and sexual encounters. The women seemed to be trying to one-up each other with the craziest or most embarrassing sex stories, and Beth just shook her head, laughing, but not joining in. She could count on one hand the number of relationships she had had in her life, and most of them were very short. Her longest one had been with Ray. After what had happened to her family, she had not been able to trust anyone long enough to let them get close, and any fledgling relationship had pretty much fizzled out before it had even started. For a long time Tracy had been the only one she had let get close to her, but Tracy was her best friend, like a sister to her. Before she had been abducted by Ray, things with Janice had been changing a lot and Beth often found herself wondering what would have happened between them had Ray and Perry been apprehended before causing the life-changing chaos that they had.

"Alright, enough is enough," Janice suddenly announced, placing her wine glass on the side of the tub.

"Huh? What's enough?" Tracy was slurring her words a bit, and Amanda looked at her and giggled.

"This bathing suit is enough," Janice declared, whipping off her bikini top and tossing it aside. Her bottoms followed a second later.

"Hell, yeah!" Tracy agreed. "You're right, enough is enough!" A moment later her bathing suit was lying on the deck, and Amanda quickly followed suit.

Beth laughed and rolled her eyes. It was amazing that Janice had managed to keep anything on for this long. She had never met someone who enjoyed being naked as much as the woman sitting beside her. "You're a bad influence," she joked.

"Nah, I'm a great influence," Janice replied with a wink. "Come on, Beth, join in the fun. Bathing suits are for daylight, birthday suits are for darkness."

Amanda snorted and took another gulp of her of wine. "I bet Jack would kill to be here right now. He was jealous that he wasn't invited."

"I'm sure Ben wouldn't mind being here either," Janice chuckled.

"Take it off, Beth," Tracy crowed, flicking some sudsy water at her from the other side of the hot tub.

Beth suddenly felt dizzy from the wine and the water seemed much too hot. "No, I don't want to." She had flashes of a dark cabin, a heavy weight on top of her, and then flames. _Take it off, Michelle. You know you want to. You used to love it. You could never get enough. Take it off, bitch._

She felt Janice's hand gripping her arm. "Hey, you okay? We're just fooling around. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

"Yeah, we're just joking around, Beth." Tracy's concerned face swam in front of her eyes. "Are you okay, sweetie?"

Beth's vision sharpened and she looked around at her friends, their joyful faces suddenly worried. Janice's hand was still on her arm, rubbing soothing circles, like she had done earlier that day in the car.

"Yeah, I'm fine, she replied, her voice more choked than she wanted it to be."Sorry, I think I've just had a bit too much wine."

"Yeah, we've all had a bit much," Amanda said kindly. "Probably best to call it a night soon."

Janice didn't seem convinced that she was alright, and slid her hand down onto Beth's under the water, linking their fingers together. Beth's first instinct was to pull away, but she forced herself to calm down and gave Janice's fingers a light squeeze. The other woman squeezed back, shifting closer to her in the tub.

The conversation was more subdued after that, and Beth felt bad for bringing down the happy mood that they had been in all day. She joined in here and there, making appropriate comments on whatever they were discussing, so the others wouldn't be worried about her. Half an hour later, they were laughing again over a silly story Amanda was telling about a former boyfriend, but Beth could tell that Janice was still concerned. Her co-worker still had a hold of her hand under the water, where the others wouldn't see it, and was sitting closer than was necessary, especially since she still had nothing on.

"Sorry, I'm not making you uncomfortable, am I?" Janice whispered in her ear, so Amanda and Tracy couldn't hear.

"No," Beth answered honestly, suddenly wishing she was sitting even closer to Janice than she already was. Her mood swings were driving her crazy. She had the sudden urge to climb onto the other woman's lap and be held by her, but she only shifted closer to her instead. Janice responded by giving Beth's thigh a quick, gentle squeeze and then resumed holding her hand protectively.

Beth noticed that Tracy was giving her a look from across the hot tub, and then promptly announced that she was exhausted and ready for bed.

"Yeah, I'm pretty tired myself," Amanda agreed. "I think I'll turn in as well. What about you guys?"

"I think we'll stay out here for a little while," Janice said, her voice casual.

Beth nodded, saying nothing.

"Okay, see you in the morning, guys," Amanda said, as she and Tracy climbed out of the hot tub and wrapped themselves in towels.

"Thanks for a great night, Amanda," Janice said with a smile. "This place is fantastic. I'm looking forward to the rest of the vacation."

Amanda smiled back. "You're more than welcome. I'm so glad you guys could come. We'll do some swimming and other stuff tomorrow."

"Sounds like a plan," Janice replied. "See you in the morning."

Tracy gave Beth's shoulder a squeeze as she and Amanda walked into the cottage. Beth met her concerned gaze briefly before fixing her eyes on the water. Janice reached over the side of the tub to grab her bikini off the deck, and quickly put it back on. It was so dark out now, Beth could barely see her.

"Do you want to stay in here for a bit or get out?" Janice asked, her voice soft.

Beth shrugged. "We can stay."

"Are you okay? Do you want to talk about what happened?" Janice was sitting close beside her again, so their legs were touching.

Beth was silent.

"Look, I know every other conversation I've tried to start about what happened to you has gone nowhere, but I just thought I would ask," Janice said gently. "You never know, you might change your mind at some point. Did you have a flashback?"

Beth nodded slowly, not trusting herself to speak. She was afraid if she opened her mouth she would start screaming and not be able to stop.

She felt Janice take her hand again. "Do you want to tell me what the flashback was about?"

Beth began trembling and started to move away from the other woman, but Janice stopped her. "It's okay, you don't have to tell me. We don't have to talk about it. We don't have to talk about anything at all. We can just sit here and look at the stars. They're beautiful, aren't they? You don't see stars like this in L.A."

Beth settled back down beside her, looking up at the stars through eyes blurred with tears. She blinked them away furiously, not wanting them to fall. "Thank you, Janice," she whispered.

Janice smiled at her and then carefully eased an arm around her. "I'm here when you're ready to talk."

Beth was stiff for a moment, and then relaxed against her, laying her head on the other woman's shoulder. Oh, how she had missed this. There had been a giant hole in her life since the ordeal with Ray. She missed Janice like she would miss one of her limbs if it was gone. She ached for her on a daily basis, yet was terrified of confiding in her, of letting loose the darkness inside. Her brain was a swirling mass of confusion. She had never felt this way for another woman before. She didn't even know precisely what her feelings were. Or she was too scared to admit what they were.

They sat together in silence for about half an hour, looking up at the stars, Beth's head on Janice's shoulder, Janice's arm protectively around her. Beth's eyes started to close and she felt Janice's hand gently caress her cheek. "Hey, we should go inside and get ready for bed."

"Yeah, okay," Beth agreed groggily. "It must be pretty late by now." Her limbs felt like lead as they climbed out of the hot tub and wrapped themselves in towels.

They walked quietly into the cottage, locking the door behind them, and went upstairs. The doors to Amanda's and Tracy's bedrooms were closed and it was dark and silent in the hallway.

"Are you going to be okay on your own tonight?" Janice whispered, pausing at the door to her room. "I can stay with you, if you want me to."

"I'll be okay," Beth replied softly, sounding more confident than she felt. "Thanks, though."

Janice smiled at her and reached out to touch her arm briefly. "You know where I am, if you need me. Don't hesitate to come get me, if you want to. I don't mind."

"Thank you," Beth said again. "Goodnight, Janice."

"Goodnight, Beth."

Janice disappeared into her bedroom, and Beth shut the door to own room and began peeling off her wet bathing suit and pulling on her pajamas. She turned out the lights and slipped under the covers, staring up at the ceiling in the darkness. She hoped sleep would come tonight.

An hour later, she was still lying there, wide awake. She was exhausted but couldn't get her mind to turn off long enough to fall asleep. This was nothing new; it happened most nights. She would give anything to be able to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep for several hours. She just wanted a break from her thoughts, from her memories.

A noise sounded from out in the hall, and she sat bolt upright, her heart pounding. It was probably just one of the girls going into the bathroom, and she chastised herself for being so ridiculous. She was a grown woman, and had become scared of the dark, terrified of the silence, always wondering what lurked just beyond, just out of sight.

Beth slipped out of bed and padded to the bedroom door, easing it open. The hallway was dark and silent; no one was there. All the doors were shut. The hair on the back of her neck was standing on end and it felt like she was choking. She crept out of her room and stood in front of Janice's closed door. She raised her hand to knock and then thought better of it.

Beth eased the door open and poked her head inside, feeling guilty for violating Janice's privacy. Moonlight spilled from the window, where Janice hadn't bothered to close the curtains, illuminating the taller woman sprawled on her stomach on the bed, the covers bunched around her waist. She clearly wasn't wearing anything again, and Beth felt a second of amusement.

She tiptoed over to the bed and sat gingerly on the side, reminded of how she had done this repeatedly while Janice had stayed at her house several months ago. There was just something about this woman that made her feel so safe, so protected. She eased her legs up onto the bed and curled up in a ball on her side, on top of the covers.

She slowly released a breath she didn't know she had been holding and closed her eyes. Sleep came quickly this time.

xxx

 _*Song lyrics are from Oasis' "Wonderwall"  
_


	3. Chapter 3

" _Oh, why you look so sad?_

 _Tears are in your eyes_

 _Come on and come to me now_

 _Don't be ashamed to cry_

 _Let me see you through_

 _'Cause I've seen the dark side too_

 _When the night falls on you_

 _You don't know what to do_

 _Nothing you confess_

 _Could make me love you less_

 _I'll stand by you_

 _I'll stand by you_

 _Won't let nobody hurt you_

 _I'll stand by you."_

xxx

Light was just starting to peak through the windows when Janice rolled over on the bed, her hand grazing another body. She cracked an eye open and saw Beth curled up beside her, sound asleep and shivering lightly.

"Oh, Beth," she whispered, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind the smaller woman's ear. She got out of bed and quickly pulled on a tank top and a pair of boy shorts, and then walked around to the other side. She gently maneuvered the blankets out from underneath Beth, pulling them over her and tucking them up around her shoulders. She was dressed in a short white nightie and looked very cold.

She went over to the window to pull the curtains closed and then carefully climbed back into bed and snuggled up close to Beth under the covers. "I wish you would talk to me," she whispered, reaching out to stroke her hair.

Beth mumbled something in her sleep and Janice ran her fingers through her hair a few times before lowering her arm and closing her eyes. She was just drifting back to sleep when she felt Beth take her hand under the covers.

When she awoke again a few hours later, she was spooning Beth from behind, her fingers splayed across the smaller woman's abdomen. Beth had a death grip on her arm, like she was afraid Janice would try to escape, but otherwise seemed to be sleeping peacefully.

The sun was fully up by that point, blazing through the sheer curtains, and it looked like it was going to be another beautiful day. She could hear Amanda and Tracy downstairs in the kitchen, dishes clinking, voices low in conversation. She sighed, closing her eyes, and pulling Beth closer to her. She felt a little tired and hungover from the night before, and wouldn't mind just staying snuggled up in bed with the other woman for the rest of the day.

Beth seemed to have other ideas, though. She suddenly started hyperventilating and struggling to get out of Janice's embrace.

"Hey, what's going on?" Janice was startled, her eyes flying open. "It's okay, Beth, it's okay."

"No, get away from me, Ray, stop hurting me!" Beth was thrashing wildly now, breaking out of the safety of Janice's arms and crawling toward the side of the bed. She swung her legs over the side, like she was going to make a run for it.

"Beth! Beth! It's okay, I'm not Ray. You're having a nightmare. It's me, Janice. You're safe, you're safe." Janice grabbed her gently but firmly from behind, pulling her back into her embrace and holding her tightly. "Shh, it's not real. Ray isn't here, it's just me. Ray is dead, he can't hurt you anymore."

"No, let me go!" Beth whimpered, still struggling in her grip before suddenly going limp, seeming to realize where she was.

"There you go, you're okay," Janice soothed, rocking her gently, listening to the smaller woman's harsh breathing. "You're safe, we're at the cottage with Amanda and Tracy. Everything is fine."

Beth was trembling violently and Janice could feel goosebumps up and down her bare arms. "Come here, sweetie, it's okay," she murmured, scooting backwards on the bed and pulling Beth with her. She tucked them both underneath the covers, Janice leaning against the headboard with the other woman's back against her chest. She could feel Beth's heart pounding furiously. "That must have been some dream, huh?"

Beth was quiet, like she usually was after a nightmare. She felt tiny and fragile in Janice's lap, and she resumed rocking her back and forth. It had been so long since they had done this, and despite the horrible circumstances, it felt right for Beth to be back in Janice's arms. She had missed this so much. She didn't have this closeness with Molly. It just wasn't the same. But it hurt her to see Beth in so much emotional pain. Janice wondered what she was dreaming about, what she was remembering from her time at the cabin with Ray.

She knew Beth had PTSD, just like Tracy, but she didn't know how to help her if Beth was unwilling or unable to help herself. All she could do was be there for her, like she was now, and not give up on her. She knew the other woman was ashamed of coming undone because she had always been so strong, both physically and mentally, and that was why she always tried to hide it and couldn't admit that she needed help. Janice wished Beth knew that she didn't have to be anyone but herself when they were together.

Beth turned onto her side, bringing her knees up and curling into Janice's chest. Janice cradled her protectively and continued rocking her since it seemed to soothe the smaller women, and to be honest, it soothed her as well. She ran her fingers gently through Beth's long, thick hair, starting at her scalp and dragging them all the way down to the ends. She repeated this process several times, and then began rubbing the bare skin of her back, above her nightie.

Beth's heart rate gradually began to slow, as did her breathing. Janice drew little patterns on her skin and then slid her hand upward to massage the back of her neck. Beth's head fell forward and she sighed.

"Janice, I miss you," she murmured.

Janice's eyes unexpectedly flooded with tears and she quickly blinked them away. "I miss you too," she whispered. "More than you know."

Beth reached up to cup her cheek briefly, and then Janice felt a light kiss being pressed to her collarbone. Her heart fluttered and her eyes closed. "I'm always going to be here, though. I'm not going anywhere."

Beth nodded against her chest. "I know. You're always here for me, even when I don't deserve it."

Janice's arms tightened around her. "Don't say that." She felt a drop of liquid hit the bare skin above her tank top and she looked down to see the other woman covering her face. "Oh Beth, please talk to me. I don't know what to do to help you. It's killing me to see you like this." She paused, her voice choking up, and again she had to force back her own tears.

"It just hurts so much." Beth's voice was small and broken.

"I know, baby, I know." Janice held onto her as tightly as she could, but it still felt like Beth was slipping away from her. A few more tears hit her chest, sliding down her skin, and she pressed her lips to Beth's hair.

"Please don't tell the others what happened," Beth said softly. "I don't want to ruin anyone's vacation. And Tracy already worries about me enough. She has her own issues to deal with."

"You're not ruining anyone's vacation," Janice assured her. "I think this week is going to be really good for you. And I won't tell them anything at all. Whatever happens between us stays between us."

"Thank you." Beth was absently tracing designs on Janice's upper arm. "I guess we should get up soon. I can hear them in the kitchen."

"We can get up whenever you want," Janice said.

"I wouldn't mind staying here all day," Beth admitted. "But I guess that would be frowned upon since we're guests here."

Janice laughed softly. "I was thinking the same thing earlier; that I wanted to stay here with you all day."

Beth blew out a breath. "Janice, I-" she hesitated.

"What is it?" Janice whispered.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door and both women jumped. "Janice, is Beth in there with you?" Tracy sounded slightly panicked. "We can't seem to find her anywhere."

Beth had gone stiff in Janice's arms and Janice hugged her tightly, pressing another kiss to her head. "Yes, she's right here. We're just chatting. We'll be down shortly."

"Oh, great, okay." Tracy sounded relieved now. "Amanda and I are just going to head down to the beach for a swim. You should meet us down there after breakfast."

"Sounds good," Janice called. "See you out there."

They listened to Tracy walk back downstairs and heard her talking to Amanda as they went outside.

"So, how about it? You want to go for a swim?" Janice asked, rubbing Beth's back again. Now that the other woman was back in her arms, she couldn't seem to stop herself from touching her whenever she could.

"Yeah, sure," Beth replied. "I guess we should go be social." She started to climb off of Janice's lap, but Janice touched her arm.

"Wait a sec. What were you going to say before Tracy knocked on the door?"

Beth stopped for a second and then continued climbing off the bed. "Oh, it was nothing. Nothing that can't wait anyway. I'm going to go change into my bathing suit. See you out there." She stopped at the door and smiled back at Janice. "Thank you so much for being there for me. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Janice smiled back. "Never a problem. See you at the beach."

When Beth closed the door behind her, Janice flopped back against the pillows with a frown. She was very disappointed that Tracy had interrupted them when she had. Beth had sounded like she wanted to say something important, something that needed to be said. Janice hoped that she would only have to be patient a little longer before Beth would tell her what was going on.

xxx

 _*Song lyrics are from The Pretenders' "I'll Stand by You"_


	4. Chapter 4

" _All I know_

 _Is everything is not as it's sold_

 _But the more I grow the less I know_

 _And I have lived so many lives_

 _Though I'm not old_

 _And the more I see the less I grow_

 _The fewer the seeds the more I sow_

 _Then I see you standing there_

 _Wanting more from me_

 _And all I can do is try_

 _Then I see you standing there_

 _Wanting more from me_

 _And all I can do is try."_

xxx

Beth was sitting on the dock, basking in the warm sunlight, the water in front of her sparkling turquoise. Her long hair was tied up in a loose, messy bun and she was clad in a light pink bathing suit. They had spent the majority of the day out on the beach, alternately tanning, swimming, and taking the jet skis out. There had been an unfortunate incident with Janice and Tracy in a canoe that wouldn't balance properly, and had ended with only a few bumps and bruises and lots of laughter.

Currently, Beth was relaxing with Tracy on the wooden dock, swinging their legs back and forth, while they watched Janice and Amanda race each other on the jet skis. They were getting more competitive and daring, and Beth was wondering if there was going to be a trip to the emergency room before the day was done.

"Those two are nuts," Tracy snorted, after Amanda had done a particularly elaborate trip and just managed to stay upright.

"They sure are," Beth chuckled in agreement. She seemed to have eyes only for Janice, barely looking at Amanda at all. She was glad she had her oversize sunglasses on, so it wouldn't be too obvious that she couldn't keep her eyes off her strawberry blonde co-worker. Janice was a daredevil, never backing down from a challenge, and Beth was worried that she was going to hurt herself. Plus, she looked amazing her bright blue and green bikini, her pale skin gleaming in the sun.

"So what's going on with you and Janice?" Tracy asked abruptly.

"What?" Beth was shocked for a second, before she recovered her usual calm demeanor. "What do you mean?"

"Don't play dumb with me," Tracy said, her tone light. "Something's been going on for awhile now, and it's been very apparent since we left L.A. yesterday. You think you're being discreet, but you're not, you know. I see the way you look at her; the way you act when's she around."

Beth was quiet for a moment. "Nothing's going on," she finally said. "She's just been helping me out."

"Well, good," Tracy said, all teasing gone from her voice. "I'm glad you're finally letting someone in. Because I'm pretty sure I'm the only one you talk to about anything of any significance, and you barely tell me anything."

Beth turned to look at her. Tracy wore sunglasses as well, but she could tell their gazes were boring into each other. "I'm sorry, Tracy," she said softly. "I know I've been difficult for a long time now."

"You haven't been difficult," Tracy replied, placing a hand on her arm. "We're all just really worried about you. It's obvious that you're still affected by what happened. I am too. I'm affected every single day. Beth, if anyone knows what you're going through, it's me."

Beth opened her mouth to protest but then wisely shut it again. Tracy was her best friend and she knew she was only trying to help and connect with her. But Tracy had no idea what she had been through. No one did.

"Thank you," she said instead. "I know you're looking out for me and you've been worried. I'm sorry I haven't been able to talk about it."

"Don't apologize," Tracy said firmly. "Beth, I have PTSD, and it takes one to know one. Remember, we lived together for a month after what happened. You don't hide things as well as you think you do. You need to get some help before it eats you alive. I don't know where I'd be right now without Dr. Anderson and my support group. They have literally saved my life."

Beth felt the familiar wave of sadness and guilt wash over her when she thought of what her best friend had been through because of her. Tracy was so strong and she was so proud of her. She had been proactive almost right from the get-go, in getting herself the help she needed. Tracy had said she didn't want to go through what she had been through a few years before, when the stalking incidents with her ex-fiance had brought her to the TAU and into Beth's life. She knew how she didn't want to handle things this time around.

Beth admired her friend's actions because she felt she should be acting the same way. She had been through hell before, because of Ray, and now the second time around, she was acting the exact same way. She just couldn't seem to do what Tracy had done. But no one knew what had actually gone on in that cabin, and afterwards, weeks after Ray was dead and gone. She didn't even know how to bring it up or begin talking about it. The closest she had come to spilling her guys had been with Janice, the person she trusted most in the world, but something had stopped her. She just didn't know how to move on from what had happened. She could try to act as normal as she could, but apparently she wasn't fooling as many people as she thought.

"Please talk to Janice," Tracy said quietly. "It's obvious that you guys have some kind of connection. I don't know if it's just friendship or something else, but something is there. Something different that what you have with me or Amanda, or Jack or Ben."

"What if it was something else?" Beth hedged nervously.

Tracy smiled at her and shrugged. "What if it was? No one would be happier for you than me, Beth. You deserve all the happiness in the world."

Beth smiled back and was glad she was wearing her sunglasses, as tears welled up in her eyes. She leaned over to hug her best friend, and Tracy gripped her back tightly.

"See, you're already making progress," she whispered in Beth's ear. "You were barely touching anyone at all before we went on this vacation."

Beth chuckled and quickly wiped her eyes. "Yeah, maybe you're right."

"I'm not giving up on you," Tracy said fiercely, holding onto her for a moment longer. "And neither is Janice or Amanda or anyone else."

Beth impulsively leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Thank you, Tracy. I'm so lucky to have all of you in my life."

"Hey, what's going on over here?" Janice asked, as she and Amanda came splashing back to shore, after securing the jet skis. "You guys look emotional. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, we're good," Beth assured her. "Just having a little chat."

Janice smiled at her, holding her gaze for a moment. "Good, I'm glad."

"So are you guys done trying to kill each other?" Tracy joked. "We were just waiting for some catastrophic accident to happen. And that totally would have ruined our vacation."

Amanda laughed and slung her arm around Janice's shoulders. "I've finally met someone who can keep up with me out on the water. It's great."

"Yeah, it was awesome," Janice agreed enthusiastically. "This place is the best. If you're not careful, Amanda, you won't be able to get rid of us at the end of the week."

"Hey, I might be staying here with you," she replied with a grin. It's so relaxing to be away from the office and the courtroom. I think I would miss my boys too much, though."

Everyone said "Awww" in unison, and then Janice suddenly began splashing them all. Tracy and Beth both shrieked, since they were now perfectly dry, and Amanda laughed and began helping Janice drench the two of them as quickly as possible. It evolved into a water fight that lasted almost an hour, and when they finally dragged themselves back onto the dock, they were exhausted.

"Okay, I'm heading back to the cottage," Amanda said breathlessly, sprawled half on the dock and half in the sand. "I'm gonna have a shower and then start getting dinner prepared."

"I'll join you," Tracy said, getting to her feet with a groan. She gave Janice a mock glare. "You are evil, woman."

Janice gave a wicked laugh and grinned at her, baring her teeth.

Tracy playfully stuck her tongue out at her and then headed up to the lawn with Amanda.

"Holy crap, I'm tired," Janice huffed, sitting down next to Beth. "And I think I'm burnt. This pale skin doesn't too well in all this sun."

"Yeah, you do look a little red," Beth said, lightly touching her shoulder. "There's a hammock over there, under those huge trees. Let's go take a rest."

Janice looked at her for a moment. "Sure, sounds good."

They wrapped themselves in their towels and headed over to a pretty grove of willow trees with a giant hammock hanging between two of them. Instead of laying down in it, they sat down side by side, so the hammock rocked back and forth gently and their legs were swinging.

"So is everything okay with you and Tracy?" Janice asked softly.

"Yeah, it's fine," Beth said. "She's just worried about me. Apparently I don't hide my feelings as well as I thought I did."

Janice smiled at her gently and bumped her arm. "I think you do, but just not around the people who love you and know you well."

Beth's heart gave a sudden leap and she worked to keep her expression neutral. She didn't trust herself to speak so she just stayed quiet. They stayed quiet for several minutes, but it was surprisingly comfortable and not awkward. They just swung gently in the hammock, letting the breeze dry their hair, and listened to the birds singing and the distant shouts of people out on the water.

"I wonder if we should go help the girls get dinner ready," Beth finally said.

"Nah, let's just stay here," Janice replied with a yawn. "We'll do the clean up."

"Sounds good." Beth closed her eyes and shifted a little closer to the other woman. "I'm chilly now."

"Me too," Janice said with a shiver. She leaned her head onto Beth's shoulder and closed her eyes.

"Janice?"

"Hmm?"

"Everyone is always worried about how I'm doing, but what about you? I know we haven't talked much for a long time. But are you okay? I know that whole situation was hard for you too." Janice, along with Jack, had searched relentlessly for Beth after she had been abducted, and had sustained a mild concussion after Ray had captured her at gunpoint and then knocked her out.

"Thanks for asking, Beth," Janice said softly, squeezing her hand. "I don't know how to answer that, really. Sometimes I'm okay, sometimes I'm not. Things haven't been right between us for a long time now, and that really bothers me. I worry so much about you. I miss how close we used to be." She paused. "I think Ray haunts us all, but in different ways."

"I'm sorry, Janice," Beth whispered. "I'm sorry for everything that has happened. You risked your life for me, and I know I've been so cold and distant. That night in the cabin, when Ray had the gun on you...it was one of the worst moments of my life. I thought he was going to kill you."

"I thought he was going to kill me too," Janice said, her voice choked. "But that was nothing compared to when you were just...gone. When you were taken, that was the worst moment of my life. I didn't think I was ever going to see you again. God, I was so scared." Tears spilled over onto her cheeks and she let out a sob. "We failed you, Beth. I don't know why you keep apologizing when we're the ones who should be sorry. We were supposed to protect you."

"Oh, honey." Beth turned in the hammock to take Janice into her arms. "It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have stopped him. No one could have. He had been planning it for a long time and he wasn't ever going to stop until he had me." She kissed the taller woman's cheek, tasting salty tears.

"I'll never forgive myself," Janice whimpered, clutching onto Beth tightly.

"There's nothing to forgive," Beth said firmly, stroking back her damp hair. "You and Jack found me. You almost died in that fire for me. Ray had a gun on you and then knocked you unconscious. You saved my life because you wouldn't give up. I'm here because of you."

"But sometimes...sometimes I get the feeling you don't want to be here," Janice said softly, pulling back to look Beth in the eye.

Beth inhaled sharply and looked away. Was she really that transparent? She knew Janice wasn't talking about being here at the cottage, and Janice knew she knew.

"Beth." Janice's voice was trembling. "I know you're hurting. I don't know everything that happened after Ray took you, but I know you're not the same person you were before. Please, I'm begging you, if you need any kind of help or you just want to talk, I'm here. Always."

Beth nodded, not sure she was capable of answering without bursting into tears. God, she loved this woman. She felt overwhelmed, the need and love she had for her was so strong. She wanted so badly to just tell her everything, to finally release the burden she had been carrying all alone for the past several months, but still something held her back.

Instead of answering, she just pulled Janice against her once again, wrapping her tightly in her embrace, letting the hammock rock them back and forth. Janice held onto her just as tightly, still crying softly. Beth gently wiped away her tears, resting her lips against the top of her head.

"Um, guys?"

Beth and Janice both jerked their heads up, startled. They hadn't even heard Amanda approach, they were so wrapped up in each other. The lawyer stood there, her long blonde hair blowing in the breeze, looking at them with unconcealed worry. She had changed from her bathing suit into jean capris and a patterned T-shirt, and she rubbed at the goosebumps on her arms.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to let you know that dinner is ready." She paused. "What's going on? I was going to ask if you were okay, but it's obvious that you're not."

"We were just talking about some stuff," Janice said, wiping her eyes. "We'll be okay."

"You guys can talk to me if you need to," Amanda said gently. "I know things haven't been easy. But I'm here for you if you need me."

"Thank you, Amanda," Beth said, smiling at her. "You've already done enough for inviting us to this wonderful place. We're having a great time."

There was silence for a moment and then the three of them suddenly broke into laughter. It was just such a bizarre statement to make while she was holding Janice in her arms, both of them awash in tears.

"Really?" Amanda chuckled. "Because it doesn't seem like it."

"We are," Janice assured her. "Maybe not at this particular moment..." She trailed off and they laughed again. It felt so good to release all of the tension and pressure.

"Come on, let's go eat," Amanda said gently, holding out her hand to help Janice and then Beth out of the hammock. She wrapped an arm around each of them as they headed back to the cottage for dinner.

They had dinner on the deck again, barbecued chicken, rice, and veggies, with glasses of wine. The mood at the table was a lot more subdued and reflective than the celebratory mood from the night before.

"Okay, guys, I have an idea," Amanda announced, after there had been complete silence for several minutes. "I know things have been a bit tense and stressful and the point of this vacation is complete relaxation, so that's what we're going to do."

The others looked at her with interest.

"What did you have in mind?" Janice asked.

"We're taking the pickup truck out to a vacant farmer's field tonight," Amanda said with a smile. "We're going to fill it with pillows and blankets and go stargazing."

"Can't we just get drunk in the hot tub again?" Tracy asked, and they all laughed. "I'm just kidding. That sounds great, Amanda."

Janice and Beth chimed in their agreement, and they made plans to go out as soon as the sun set.

By the time they headed out in the truck, Beth was pleasantly buzzed on wine and feeling better about things in general. Her moods were so up and down, she could barely keep track of them, but for now she was just happy to be feeling comfortable and at peace. She was glad her comfort level was good right now, considering the way they were all squished into the cab of the truck, Amanda driving, and Beth squeezed between Janice and Tracy. She was practically on Janice's lap, the space was so tight. She had touched and been touched more over the last couple of days than she had over the last few months. She supposed that was good, because as Tracy had said earlier, it was progress. It was nice to be able to have physical contact with her friends without her skin crawling.

Once they were off the main road, the ride on the farmer's field was bumpy and they were all bouncing around in the cab of the truck.

"Whoa, Beth, hold on," Janice laughed, as Beth started sliding off the seat and onto the floor. She wrapped her arms around her waist, hauling her back up onto her lap, and Tracy grabbed her arm to help keep her upright.

"Hold on tight, guys," Amanda said with a chuckle.

They came to a stop in the middle of the field and piled out of the truck. Beth looked up at the sky in wonder. It was a breathtakingly beautiful night, the sky dark and clear, the stars shining brightly.

"Wow," Tracy breathed, as they all stood there, looking up.

"Amazing, isn't it?" Amanda said softly. "My family and I have been doing this for years. We always pick at least one night to go stargazing while we're here. There's nothing like it. You definitely can't do this in L.A."

"Well, technically you can," Janice corrected. "But you'll be smog gazing instead of stargazing."

Everyone chuckled and then started climbing into the back of the truck, which they had stuffed full of pillows and blankets, before leaving the cottage. There were also a couple of flashlights, some bottles of water, and a bag of chips.

"This is awesome," Tracy said enthusiastically, diving into the nest they had created.

They all got situated, falling over each other and giggling like teenagers. Beth ended up in the middle of the pile, nestled between Janice and Amanda. It was very snug in the back, just as it had been in the front, but Beth found herself glad that she was snuggled between her friends. The weather had cooled down significantly since they had been swimming earlier, and she had neglected to dress in warmer clothes, clad only in shorts, a tank top, and flip flops.

They were quiet for a few minutes, and then Amanda started naming all the stars and telling the stories behind them. Beth listened to the older woman talk, surprised at her depth of knowledge on the subject, and found herself enjoying what she was learning. She closed her eyes, letting Amanda's words wash over her and feeling the cool breeze caress her face, lifting strands of her hair gently into the air.

 _Shut up and lay down, Michelle._

 _No, stop. Please don't do this, Ray._

 _I want things to be the way they used to be. I know you can learn to love me again._

 _Not like this. Please. Not like this._

 _Just give it a chance. Relax, Michelle._

 _No, stop!_

Beth's eyes flew open, and she realized she had drifted off. Amanda was still talking, so she figured she had only been out for a few minutes. Tracy asked a question and Amanda turned onto her side to answer her, and Beth was relieved that they hadn't noticed what had happened. She glanced over at Janice and noticed the other woman staring at her.

"You okay?" Janice mouthed.

Beth nodded mutely, although she had broken out into a cold sweat. She could tell that Janice didn't believe her, although the other woman wisely chose to remain silent while in the company of their friends. She appreciated her discretion.

She felt Janice snuggle closer to her under all the blankets, her hand wrapping around one of Beth's closed fists. Janice alternately squeezed and stroked her hand until she finally started to relax. She began running her fingertips lightly up and down Beth's bare arm, making little designs on her skin. Beth felt pleasant tingling sensations all through her body, and the nightmare slowly began to fade from her thoughts.

In fact, in the space of only a few minutes, she seemed to be going from startled and scared to incredibly turned on. Her heart rate was speeding up for a different reason now, and she had to work to keep it under control. Her drop-of-the-hat mood swings were going to be the death of her. It was driving her crazy to go from one extreme emotion to the next, in a matter of minutes.

Amanda had stopped talking about the stars and Tracy was now telling a ridiculous ghost story that had apparently happened to her and her family while she was living in England. The others were guffawing over the most unbelievable parts, with Tracy insisting over and over that it had actually happened. Beth was concentrating more than was necessary on the story, trying to immerse herself in it, so she could keep her mind off what Janice was doing to her. She knew she could pull away or just whisper to the other woman to stop, but it just felt so good. It had been so long since she had been aroused by anyone.

Janice, for her part, seemed completely unaware of the effect her actions were having on Beth, or if she noticed, she was doing a great job of hiding it. She seemed fully engaged in Tracy's story, adding sarcastic comments and chuckles where she felt they were needed. She continued to run her fingers up and down Beth's arm, sometimes going up over her shoulders to her neck, and then running them back down to her hand. Beth's hand was glued to her own thigh to keep it from trembling, and occasionally Janice's fingers grazed her bare leg.

She stifled a moan when she felt the taller woman's hand come into contact with her thigh again, and she felt Janice's hand still. She held her breath, keeping her face turned away from her and focusing her gaze on Tracy, whose story was getting more and more dramatic. Janice started moving her fingers again, keeping her touch down around Beth's hand, and when she grazed her thigh again, Beth knew she was doing it on purpose.

She felt heat pool between her legs and a blush creep up her neck and into her face. She was glad it was pitch dark out, so her friends couldn't see how red she had become. The others were completely oblivious to what was going on underneath the covers beside them, Amanda smacking Tracy lightly in the face with a pillow and Tracy retaliating in mock outrage. The two of them seemed to have their own little party going on above the blankets, while Beth and Janice had theirs beneath.

Janice paused at Beth's hand for a moment, gave it a light squeeze, and then slid it down so it was resting on her thigh. Beth gave a sharp intake of breath, and she could hear Janice's breathing pick up as well. Amanda and Tracy were squealing and carrying on with their pillow fight and Beth was glad they were being so loud. It was so inappropriate to be doing this with Janice while in the company of their friends, like they were a couple of teenagers, but she found it hard to care. It just felt so good.

Janice kept her hand still for a moment, as if testing to see if Beth was okay with it. She knew the other woman was being very careful with her and she appreciated it. She hadn't had any kind of sexual contact for a long time, and the last time...

Beth shook away the dark thoughts of the past and concentrated on the pleasure she was feeling now. Janice began moving her hand again, tracing slow circles from the middle of Beth's thigh, down to her knee, and back again. Beth's legs fell open, seemingly of their own volition, and Janice's fingers crept a little higher, grazing the hemline of her shorts, and hovering there before moving back down again.

Beth coughed to cover up another moan, and she grabbed Janice's arm, pulling it up to her midsection and linking their fingers together. She was getting entirely too turned on, and if things didn't slow down soon, Amanda and Tracy would become wise to what was going on right beside them. She glanced over at the other woman to see her grinning, her white teeth gleaming in the dark. Beth's lips quirked into a smile, and she turned her head away, only to get smacked square in the face with a pillow.

"Hey!" she sputtered, and she could hear Janice stifling a laugh.

"Oops, sorry!" Tracy apologized. "That was meant for Amanda."

"Well, you have terrible aim," Beth grumbled. "She's sitting right beside you!"

"Sorry about that," Tracy said again, and got pelted with three pillows from Amanda. "Oh, it's on!"

Amanda laughed and then grabbed one of the flashlights, hopping out of the back of the truck, with Tracy in hot pursuit. They chased each other around the vehicle, giggling and throwing more pillows, the flashlight bobbing wildly in the dark.

"Funny how Amanda turns into such a kid when you get her away from the courtroom," Janice remarked with a grin. "It's nice to see everyone letting loose and having fun for once."

"Yeah, it is," Beth agreed, wriggling around under the blankets.

"You okay there?" Janice asked innocently. "You seem a little wound up."

Beth snorted under her breath. "I'm fine, thanks."

"Hmm, I don't believe you,"Janice whispered, leaning down to press a kiss to Beth's neck. Her hand was making slow circles on Beth's tank top clad stomach, and she dipped a finger underneath the material, running it along smooth skin.

Beth's back arched and she gripped Janice's arm. A small whimper escaped her mouth, and she froze, listening for the others.

"Don't worry, they can't hear you," Janice said softly. "They're out in the field over there, talking. I think Tracy's telling another ghost story."

Beth sputtered out a laugh that turned into a moan as Janice slid her entire hand under her shirt, massaging along her ribs. "Oh, god."

"Beth." Janice sounded a little breathless. "You're driving me crazy. Every time I see you, I-" She cut herself off and tentatively slid her hand a little higher. "Is this okay? I can stop, if you want. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"Please don't stop," Beth begged, her whispered voice ragged. "I can barely hear them now. I think they went for a walk or something."

Janice's hand covered one of her breasts over the top of her bra, rubbing lightly. Beth arched into her touch, feeling like she was going to explode. It had been so long since she had been touched in this way, since she had _wanted_ to be touched in this way.

Her mind flashed back to the night of the blackout, in her old house, when she and Janice had been in the bathtub together. Things had been progressing between them while Janice had stayed with her, starting out with just seeking comfort at night, to cuddling during the day, and then culminating in their little bath time adventure that had been cut short when the lights had suddenly come back on and Beth had gotten a little freaked out. She had never been with a woman in that way before and had felt overwhelmed by her feelings for her co-worker and just overwhelmed in general with the whole Ray and Perry situation. She had been taken by Ray the next day, and they had never gotten the chance to talk about what had happened or explore the possibility of a relationship. Well, Beth had never given them the chance. It wasn't for Janice's lack of trying. But Beth's trauma had been so all encompassing that there wasn't room for anyone or anything else. Only over the last couple of days had she felt like the barriers were starting to come down. She honestly never wanted to leave this place. It was good for the soul.

She heard faint laughter in the distance and realized Amanda and Tracy were even further away than she thought they were, which was good, since Janice was now stroking her nipple through her bra. Beth was panting, leaning into her touch, and it was all she could do not to rip off her clothes right there and straddle Janice in the back of the truck. Janice pressed her lips to her neck again and Beth turned her head so their lips met. The kiss was slow and sensual and Beth reached up to grab the back of Janice's head, tangling her fingers in her thick shoulder length hair.

"Janice," she whimpered into the taller woman's mouth. "I need...um, I need..." She was suddenly embarrassed to voice what she wanted, the release her body needed so badly.

Janice pulled back to look at her for a moment, her eyes glittering in the dark. She raised her head to look out at the pitch black field, seemed satisfied with what she saw, and leaned down to kiss Beth again, her hand sliding away from her breast and down to her stomach. She rubbed slow circles a few times and then slipped her hand underneath the material of her shirt again, continuing the circles on bare skin. She trailed her fingers down to the waistband of Beth's shorts, one finger dipping inside to rub against the fabric of her panties.

" _Please,"_ Beth whispered, her voice ragged with need.

Janice leaned down again to capture her lips in another kiss, and she swallowed Beth's loud moan as her hand dipped inside her panties and cupped her. Beth spread her legs apart and Janice began lightly circling her clit with her thumb.

"Oh god," Beth groaned, her breathing coming faster and faster.

Janice's fingers slid up and down her slit, occasionally dipping inside. Beth's whole body was buzzing and she rocked back and forth against the other woman's hand. Her thoughts turned briefly to Amanda and Tracy, and she desperately hoped that they were still far away from the truck, so she could get some relief. She knew Janice was watching for the flashlight and listening for their voices, so she figured they were safe, but part of her was still concerned, even as the other part was going crazy at the sensations flooding her body.

All coherent thought flew from her head a moment later, though, when Janice slid two fingers inside her, her thumb still working furiously on her clit. Beth's head was thrown back and Janice was kissing her neck again as she pumped her fingers in and out quickly. She could feel the orgasm building inside her as Janice curled her fingers.

"Let go, baby, I've got you," Janice whispered in her ear, and Beth's body went rigid, the orgasm slamming through her, with another one following right on its heels.

The taller woman was kissing her again, muffling the moans that she couldn't seem to stop, as wave after wave of pleasure rolled over her. Finally she lay still, sweating in the cool night air, feeling spent and satisfied and happy. Janice kept her hand inside her panties for a moment, cupping her and rubbing gently, before she removed her hand and wrapped both arms around Beth, spooning her from behind. Beth was still trembling, as her body came down from the magnificent high.

"You okay?" Janice asked softly, her lips against Beth's ear.

Beth shivered and nodded, unable to find her voice. She turned around in Janice's arms and clung to her tightly, her head against her chest. Janice held her in her strong embrace, her chin resting against the top of Beth's head. They were quiet for several minutes, listening to the crickets chirping and the odd rustle of nearby animals. The breeze was cooler now and Beth felt cozy snuggled up with Janice underneath all the blankets. She leaned up to press her lips against the other woman's, and they kissed slowly, gently, knowing the others would likely be back soon and they needed to keep things under control.

Sure enough, not a minute later, they heard voices from across the field. With a sigh, Beth reluctantly pulled away from Janice and turned onto her side, away from her. Janice reached out to stroke her hair and then sat up, looking out into the darkness.

"...and that's when it just appeared in the middle of the night, right out of thin air."

"Oh my god, she _is_ telling another ghost story," Janice snorted, and Beth started laughing.

"Tracy, you don't have to prove anything!" Janice yelled, leaning over the bed of the truck. Beth sat up as well, still laughing.

The flashlight came bobbing through the inky black night, and then Tracy was standing there, her arms crossed. ""You weren't there, you don't know."

"Oh, make it stop," Amanda groaned. "I'm going to have nightmares. The stories aren't so silly when you're wandering around a farmer's field at midnight. The hair is actually standing up on my arms right now."

Janice chuckled. "Where did you guys go, anyway?"

"Oh, just for a walk," Tracy said with a smile. "I needed some exercise." She looked at Beth with a raised eyebrow, and Beth looked away, realizing she and Janice hadn't been fooling their friends after all.

"Alright, I'm ready to call it a night," Amanda said with a yawn, and everyone mumbled their agreement.

They piled back into the cab of the truck, Beth sitting sideways on Janice's lap, with her legs stretched across Tracy's knees. It was a short ride back to the cottage, but she was suddenly so tired, and she closed her eyes, lulled by the soft sounds of the radio and Janice's thumb stroking her side. She could feel herself drifting into sleep and knew she should try to stay awake, since they were only a few minutes away from their destination and she could go to bed as soon as they got there. But she couldn't seem to help herself and her head slumped onto Janice's shoulder as she dozed off.

" _Come on, Michelle, it can be just like old times, if you just loosen up a little. Tracy's okay, isn't she? I let her live because I know she's your best friend. Now I think you owe me a little something for that."_

" _No, Ray! I don't want to do this!"_

" _Do you know what it's like being locked away for twelve years with no physical contact? How lonely, how isolating it is? Come on, I know you'll learn to love it again, if you just give it a chance."_

 _His hands were stroking her legs and she squirmed away from him, desperate for a chance to escape. But he was right there, in her face, and her hands were tied behind her back._

" _Please, Ray, just stop. I'll do anything but this. How about we just talk for awhile? There's a lot to catch up on._

 _Ray grinned at her, straddling her lap, and she struggled to get away from him, but it was no use. She was tied down and his body was heavy against hers. "We can catch up when we're done," he whispered in her ear. "This is gonna be so good, Michelle."_

 _He ripped open her shirt and Beth screamed._

xxx

 _*Song lyrics are from Nelly Furtado's "Try"_


	5. Chapter 5

" _All I can do is love you to pieces_

 _Give you a shoulder to cry when you need it_

 _When the day is long_

 _And then night is coming down on you_

 _All I can do_

 _All I can do_

 _All I can do."_

xxx

The cottage was in sight when Janice suddenly felt Beth go rigid on her lap and start screaming. She had noticed that the smaller woman had fallen asleep, and was about to do so herself, when all hell broke loose.

Amanda let out a startled gasp, and immediately pulled over to the side of the road, even though they were only a few feet from the driveway. Tracy had been slouched in the seat beside the window, Beth's legs slung over her lap, and she bolted upright at the sound of her best friend's terror.

"Hey, it's okay, it's okay!" Janice wrapped her arms tightly around Beth, who was struggling to escape.

"No, let me go!" she shouted, squirming wildly.

"Beth, calm down!" Tracy gasped as her friend's foot narrowly missed smacking her in the face. She grabbed Beth's legs as gently as she could, and held them down.

"No, don't hold me down!" Beth screamed frantically, and Janice could feel her entire body shaking on her lap.

"Beth, we just don't want you to hurt yourself," Amanda said, trying to speak as calmly as she could. She was sitting behind the steering wheel, and had turned her body so she was embracing Beth from behind. The three of them held onto her, trying to get her to snap out of the nightmare and back to reality.

"Oh, man, this is really bad," Tracy murmured, as Beth let out another shrill scream, still struggling to escape all of the arms that were holding her.

It was so loud inside the truck, Janice's ears were ringing. Her heart ached for the smaller woman, and she blinked back tears, not wanting to lose it in front of Amanda and Tracy. One of them losing it at a time was quite enough. "Beth, it's okay," she cooed into her ear. "You're safe. You're in the car with your friends." She repeated what she normally said when she was trying to talk her boss out of a nightmare, and hoped it would work soon.

Don't hurt me," Beth whispered, and Tracy turned toward the window, hiding her face.

"Tracy, it's okay," Janice soothed, reaching an arm across Beth, who was still struggling, although her movements seemed less frantic now. She touched the blonde woman's shoulder. "She'll come out of it soon. This happens a lot."

"Yeah, I know," Tracy muttered, wiping her eyes. "It happened while she was staying with me. She tried to hide it, but I knew. I've never seen her this bad, though."

"Yeah, it's pretty bad," Janice agreed softly, and she felt Amanda run her hand over her head comfortingly.

"We're all here for her," Amanda said quietly. "She'll get through this."

Beth was slowly calming down, her harsh breathing returning to normal.

"That's it," Janice whispered. "You're okay, you're safe. We're all here." She was rocking Beth back and forth, while Tracy rubbed her legs and Amanda stroked her hair. Beth was still shivering, and she rubbed one of her hands up and down her arm, feeling goosebumps. "She's freezing."

Amanda quickly got out of the driver's seat and and hurried around to the back of the truck, plucking a blanket out of the pile. She came back in with a fluffy red quilt. Janice wrapped the blanket around the smaller woman and couldn't help noticing again how tiny and fragile she felt. It was like Beth was slipping through her grasp, and she didn't know how to stop it, didn't know what to do to make her stay.

Beth was still emitting small whimpers from time to time, and Janice could hear Tracy sniffling beside her. "I don't want to go with Ray," she whispered, and Janice felt her heart break. Tracy muffled a sob, and Amanda reached across all of them, pulling them into a four-way hug.

"Honey, Ray is dead," Janice said firmly, trying to keep from choking on her words. She needed to go somewhere and have a good cry by herself. It was torture watching the woman she loved go through this. "It was just a dream. He can't hurt you anymore." She knew that was a lie, though. Even from beyond the grave, Ray continued to torment Beth, and she wasn't sure it was ever going to stop.

The four of them sat huddled together in silence for a few minutes, Beth finally still, snuggled up under the blanket, her head tucked into Janice's neck. Janice could tell the exact moment she was fully lucid, however, because she stiffened in her arms again, like she had during the nightmare, but this time she didn't start screaming.

"What's going on?" Beth asked, her voice cool and detached, and Janice's heart sank. She knew the other woman often got embarrassed after a nightmare and liked to pretend that nothing had happened. She was the head of the TAU and did not like being vulnerable around other people, and Janice figured it was even worse now that Amanda and Tracy were witnessing it as well. It wasn't as bad when it was just the two of them; but this was the first time there was more than one person there to witness how bad things could get.

"We're just about back at the cottage, but you had a really bad nightmare before we could pull into the driveway," Janice explained softly. Amanda and Tracy were slowly pulling away from their big group hug, but she wanted to maintain some physical contact with Beth. She rubbed circles on her arm as she spoke, glad that the goosebumps had disappeared. Beth didn't appear to care enough to dress for the weather. They were in California, but it had been cool in the the evenings at the cottage.

"Oh, sorry," Beth mumbled, pulling her arm away. "I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep. Stupid, since we were only a few minutes away from the cottage."

"It's okay," Amanda said gently. "Are you feeling a little better?"

"I'm fine," Beth replied stiffly. "Why are we on the road? Isn't that the cottage right there?" She pointed.

"Um, you were screaming," Tracy murmured. "Amanda just pulled right over. We were really startled."

"Oh," Beth whispered, looking down. "Well, I'm sorry I scared you all. I'm fine now, though, so we should probably go inside and call it a night. I'm ready for bed."

"Beth, it's okay to talk about it-" Janice started to say, but Beth threw the blanket to the floor, sliding over Tracy, and opening the passenger side door.

"If we're just going to sit on the road all night, I'm going in. Goodnight."

"Beth!" Tracy called after her, but the smaller woman didn't turn around. She strode up the driveway toward the cottage, the darkness quickly swallowing her.

"Well, I guess I better go unlock the door for her," Amanda murmured. She guided the truck into the driveway and they got out, joining Beth on the porch.

Beth didn't look at them or say anything as Amanda unlocked the door and they trooped inside. Janice tried to put a hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged it off and went up the stairs, straight to her bedroom.

"Well, that went well," Tracy said, sounding upset again. "I think I'm going to go to bed as well. Goodnight, guys."

"Goodnight," Amanda said softly, brushing Tracy's arm as she went up the stairs. "I think I'll head up too. What about you?" she asked, turning toward Janice, who had sat down on the couch, her shoulders slumped. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be okay," Janice replied, rubbing her hands over her face. "I think I'm going to stay up for awhile, though. Maybe watch a little TV, if you don't mind."

"Of course not," Amanda said, looking concerned. "We have lots of movies, if you want to watch one. They're all in the cabinet over there. Do you want me to stay up with you for a bit?"

"No, it's alright," Janice answered, smiling at her. "Thanks, though."

"Okay, if you're sure." Amanda looked hesitant for a moment, but then turned away to go upstairs. She paused for a second and then turned back. "Look, Janice, it's obvious that you care for Beth very much. I know this must be so hard for you. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here, okay?"

"Thank you," Janice said, her voice heartfelt. She smiled at her again. "I really appreciate that, Amanda."

The blonde smiled back at her. "Well, I guess I'll see you in the morning. Try to get some sleep at some point. We have a busy day of tanning ahead of us."

Janice chuckled. "I will. Goodnight."

After Amanda had gone upstairs, she snuggled under an afghan on the couch and flipped aimlessly though the TV channels. She couldn't seem to settle on anything, and finally flicked the TV off with a sigh, and closed her eyes, burying her face in the pillows. She knew she should go up to her room and try to get a good night's sleep in the comfortable bed, but she didn't feel like moving. Her limbs felt like lead but her mind was racing.

It was so back and forth with Beth right now, she couldn't keep up. One second she was fine and everything seemed normal, and the next second was chaos. Janice was worried sick about how frequent the nightmares and PTSD episodes were. Even in the farmer's field earlier that night, Beth had only drifted off for a few minutes, and had had a nightmare, even though Janice was the only one who had noticed and Beth had tried to play it cool. She had gotten used to spending a lot time with the other woman before her abduction by Ray, and could read the signs when things weren't right. She was very concerned about how real Ray still seemed to Beth, almost like she expected him to appear at any moment. It seemed like every single time Beth fell asleep, he was right there instantly, haunting her dreams.

Janice felt a wave of guilt overcome her as she thought about her actions earlier that evening. Beth was so fragile right now, and it didn't seem right to do what she had done in the back of the truck. But the other woman had needed it so badly, that release, that blissful oblivion, even if it had only lasted a few minutes. They had come so far in the last couple of days, from barely talking and touching, to Janice giving Beth multiple orgasms in the middle of a farmer's field.

She flushed, thinking about it, and her heart began to beat faster. She was so in love with her boss, it was all consuming. Beth was all she could think about and she wanted to be with her every second of every day. Her arms felt empty when she wasn't holding her. But she had to tread very carefully. Beth was so hot and cold, her moods swinging wildly from minute to minute, it seemed, and she didn't want to ruin their newly rebuilt bond. She couldn't help thinking that it was already ruined, though, because of Beth's explosive nightmare in the truck. She knew the other woman was strong and independent and wanted others to see her that way as well. She knew how difficult it was to be open and vulnerable around other people, even friends, as she herself had the same issue.

Her thoughts turned to Molly, her on again, off again girlfriend back in L.A. She sighed, not quite sure if it was cheating or not, but feeling guilty about it just the same. She never should have started dating her in the first place, since her love for Beth had not diminished but only grown over the past several months. It was hard to be so lonely, though, and watching Beth slip further and further away from her and the others. She had needed an outlet and Molly was there. Molly was hot and sexy and fun and a great distraction from reality, except when they were screaming at each other about things that didn't matter.

Janice sighed, rolling over on the couch, wondering if she would get any sleep at all that night, or if her guilt and worry would continue to consume her. She started up at the ceiling, and something caught her eye up on the second floor, which overlooked the great room. She saw a flash of white by the railing and then it was gone.

Janice sat up as she heard light footsteps on the stairs, and then Beth was standing in front of her, as if she had conjured up her presence just by thinking about her. The smaller woman was wearing her short white nightie again, lit up by the moonlight shining through the giant windows, looking like a ghost. Janice felt the hair stand up on the back of her neck as she noticed her blank stare.

"Beth?" she whispered, not wanting to startle her.

Beth didn't answer, but took a couple of steps into the room, skirting around the coffee table, and stopping in front of the couch.

"Beth," Janice said again, getting to her feet. "What's going on?"

"Ray's in my room," she replied, her voice a monotone. "I don't want to be in there." She took a couple more steps away from Janice.

"Ray is not in your room," Janice said, swallowing down a wave of fear for the other woman. "You're just dreaming. Come on, let's go back upstairs." She reached for her boss' arm but Beth sidestepped away from her and began walking toward the back door.

"Beth!" Janice hissed. "Stop! Where are you going?"

"I wanna go for a walk," Beth murmured, sliding the door open and stepping onto the deck in her bare feet.

"It's the middle of the damn night," Janice snapped, quickly following her outside. She shut the door behind them so they wouldn't wake the others. "For Christ's sake, Beth, this has got to stop."

Beth turned to look at her, her dark eyes shimmering with tears in the moonlight, and Janice felt immediate guilt for snapping at her. "Look, I'm sorry," she said, softening her tone. "Let's just go back inside and talk, okay? You're really freaking me out, Beth. I don't know if you're awake or asleep right now, but I need you to snap out of it."

Beth turned away from her like she hadn't even spoken, and started walking down the steps leading to the backyard.

"Fuck," Janice muttered, hurrying after her and trying to catch up. The other woman was walking at a very fast pace and seemed to have a destination in mind. She jogged a little to keep up with her, cursing herself for not putting sandals on before she left. Twigs and roots were littering the ground, and every so often she tripped on one in her bare feet. Beth didn't seem to be having an issue with that, though, and continued walking with purpose down to the water.

"Hey," Janice said, reaching out to grab the other woman's arm, not caring anymore if she startled her. She was getting a very uneasy feeling now, and she stumbled as she followed Beth onto the dock, her hand slipping off her arm. "Beth, stop. What are we doing here? This definitely isn't a good time to go swimming." She tried to lighten her tone a little, hoping her boss would return to reality, but she seemed very intent on what she was doing.

"Beth," she said again, her tone sharper this time. "Talk to me. What's going on?"

"I need to get clean," Beth muttered. "I feel dirty."

"Well, have a shower then," Janice replied, utterly exasperated at this point. She was exhausted and running out of patience, and trying to ignore the fear that was threatening to choke her.

Again Beth acted like she hadn't spoken, turning away from her to face the water that was glittering like diamonds in the moonlight. Without warning, she suddenly whipped off her nightgown and stood there on the dock, completely nude.

"Beth!" Janice gasped, too stunned to react for a moment, thereby giving the other woman time to crouch down on the dock and slip into the water.

"Jesus Christ!" She leaped down next to her, landing with a splash in the shin-deep water that was rippling with tiny waves. She grabbed Beth roughly by the upper arm, stopping her before she could completely dunk herself.

"What the hell are you doing?" she yelled.

Beth yanked her arm away and then stood there staring at her, like she didn't know who she was.

"Beth," Janice whispered, her heart pounding. "Look, I'm sorry I got upset. Are you okay?"

The smaller woman was still staring at her, frowning now. "I-I don't know what happened."

"Okay." Janice blew out a breath. "It's okay. Come on, let's get out of the water." She took Beth's arm, gently this time, and helped her back up onto the dock. She stooped down to pick up the little white nightie and slipped it over the dark haired woman's head, helping her pull her arms through. "There you go. That's better."

She looped her arm through Beth's and started walking them slowly back up the sloping yard to the cottage. Luckily they hadn't gotten that wet, and the water droplets on her legs were already starting to dry in the cool breeze. She was feeling very bad for losing her patience with the other woman, especially during a nightmare or PTSD episode, or whatever was going on. She slipped her hand down into Beth's and linked their fingers together, squeezing gently.

"I'm sorry for losing my cool," she whispered. "I just want you to be okay. But this is not okay, Beth. When you get back to the city, you need to get some help for this. I just don't know what to do."

"I'm sorry, Janice." Beth's voice was quiet as they walked up the stairs onto the deck. "I'll get some help, I promise. I'm sorry I keep doing this to you, especially while we're on vacation. I can't seem to make it stop. I'm not myself anymore. I don't even recognize who I've become. I'm a mess." Her voice broke, and Janice stopped her just before she went inside, pulling the small woman into her arms.

"We'll get through this, I promise. I know it's hard right now, but I'm not giving up, and I'm not letting you give up either." Beth's head was against her chest, and she stroked her long locks, tangled from sleep and yet another nighttime misadventure. "And you need to stop apologizing to me. I know you can't control what's going on, but you can control what you do about it. I'm the one who's sorry, Beth. I'm sorry I snapped at you. I'm just tired."

"We should go inside then," Beth whispered, raising her head and looking up at Janice. "Can we sleep on the couch tonight, like we used to do back when you were staying at my place?"

Janice smiled down at her. "Sure." She didn't want to admit it, but the couch was her favourite place to sleep with Beth, since they had no choice but to be squeezed together due to the lack of space.

They headed inside, now fully dry, and Janice scooted to the back of the couch, laying on her side. Beth laid down in front of her, her back to her chest, and Janice wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her as close as possible. Her brain was still racing, her thoughts spinning out of control, but she tried to quiet her mind and calm down, at least for the rest of the night.

She tightened her arm around Beth, pressing a kiss into her hair. She never wanted to let this woman go.

xxx

 _*Song lyrics are from Chantal Kreviazuk's "All I Can Do"_


	6. Chapter 6

" _I never really wanted you to see_

 _The screwed up side of me that I keep_

 _Locked inside of me so deep_

 _It always seems to get to me_

 _I never really wanted you to go_

 _So many things you should have known_

 _I guess for me there's just no hope_

 _I never meant to be so cold."_

xxx

Beth awoke early the next morning, expecting the sunlight to be blazing through the floor-to-ceiling windows but it was grey and raining, droplets splattering against the glass. Janice was sound asleep behind her on the couch, her arm still wrapped snugly around her waist, their legs tangled together underneath the afghan. The cottage was quiet, and she figured Tracy and Amanda were still sleeping as well.

Beth lay there for a few minutes, feeling safe and warm in Janice's embrace, relieved that she hadn't had any more disturbing episodes during the night. She didn't even fully remember what had taken place several hours before; only bits and pieces came to mind when she thought about it. She remembered waking up suddenly, convinced that Ray was in the bedroom with her, likely because of a nightmare, although she couldn't recall the specifics. She had a hazy recollection of coming down here and seeing Janice, who was on the couch for some reason, instead of her own bedroom, and then going outside to the lake. She blushed, as the memory of taking off her nightie sprang to mind. What had she been doing outside? She tried to remember her reasoning for going out there in the dead of the night, but she couldn't.

She did, however, remember waking up in the truck surrounded by her friends, who were comforting her after a particularly vicious nightmare, and then treating them terribly afterwards because she had been embarrassed. Shame flooded through her and she pressed her face into the couch. She had no right to be treating people the way she had been treating them for months now. They were only trying to help, even though they couldn't possibly understand what she was going through.

She slipped out of Janice's arms and off the couch, resolving to try to be better. She needed to get back to the person she was before Perry had entered her life, before Ray had come back after so many years, and before the two psychopaths had teamed up to try to ruin her carefully reconstructed life. She had built a career, with employees that had turned into friends, and friends that had turned into family. They were all she had in this world and she had to stat treating them better.

She decided that she could start by preparing a big breakfast for everyone, her way of saying sorry for the night before. She slipped on a sweatshirt of Janice's that was lying beside the couch, and got to work. It was hard to stay quiet while slipping pots and pans out of the cupboards, but she tried. The kitchen was unfamiliar to her, so it took her twice as long as it would have had she been in her own place. Luckily everyone had decided that this would be a good day to sleep in, so she had coffee, bacon, eggs, pancakes, and toast ready for when they finally got up.

Tracy was the first one to arrive in the kitchen, rubbing her eyes blearily and looking around with surprise. "What's all this?"

"I made breakfast for everyone," Beth said smiling at her. "Hopefully the others will be up soon."

"Well, I see Janice passed out on the couch over there," Tracy chuckled. "I'm not sure how she slept though all the racket you were making.

"Sorry," Beth replied. "I tried to keep it down."

Tracy smiled back at her. "No worries, this is great. Thanks." She accepted a cup of coffee from Beth and sipped it carefully. "So how are you doing this morning?"

"Better," Beth said. "Look, I'm really sorry about last night, Tracy. I was just embarrassed, but I shouldn't have reacted like that. And I know you were upset too. I hope you can forgive me." She neglected to mention what had happened with Janice just a little while later.

"It's okay," Tracy replied softly. "I know you're going through a lot. And yes, I was upset, but I'm doing better today too." She reached out to take Beth's hand. "Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help."

Beth gave her hand a squeeze. "You've already done so much for me, Tracy, thank you. When we get back to the city, I might look up that therapist of yours, and maybe that support group."

Tracy raised her eyebrows, surprised again. "Really? Wow, that's great, Beth. I'll give you the numbers whenever you want them."

"I'd appreciate that," Beth replied. "Oh, hey, Amanda."

The blonde lawyer walked into the kitchen, looking stunned to see all the food, and then pleased. "This is fantastic, I'm starving!"

Beth handed her a cup of coffee as well, and then apologized for the night before. Amanda was very gracious, accepting the apology, and praising her for the big breakfast. By the time Janice shuffled into the kitchen, Tracy and Amanda were on their second plates and Beth was still picking her way through a small amount of eggs and toast.

"Is there any left for me?" Janice whined, rubbing her eyes and looking exhausted.

"Oh man, you look like you could use a pail of coffee," Tracy laughed, but handed her a mug instead, while Janice glared at her.

"There's lots left," Beth said, smiling at her, but feeling guilty for how tired she obviously was."

"Did you stay on the couch all night?" Amanda asked with a frown. "How come you didn't go up to bed?"

Beth raised a forkful of eggs to her lips, keeping her face blank.

Janice glanced at her and took a giant gulp of coffee. "I was watching a movie and I must have fallen asleep. The couch is super comfortable, though. I slept fine."

Beth sighed, relieved, as their conversation turned to their plans for the day. The consensus was that since it was chilly and rainy and everyone was tired, they were just going to stay indoors for a cozy movie day and maybe play some cards and board games. Janice suggested they add alcohol into the mix at some point, and everyone enthusiastically agreed.

After they had finished breakfast and cleaned up the kitchen and showered, everyone settled into the great room for a Naked Gun movie marathon. Beth ended up in the middle of the couch, between Janice and Tracy, sharing a quilt, and Amanda sat in a cozy overstuffed armchair, with the afghan draped over her lap. Janice sat curled up at one end of the couch, leaning away from Beth, her feet tucked underneath her, her head propped up on her arm.

She laughed, like everyone else did, at the antics on screen, but Beth could tell that she was tired and sad. Her heart ached, knowing she was the cause. Janice had put up with so much from her over the past several months, and she would be lost without her. She _had_ been lost without her, until this vacation. She just wished she could get her unpredictable behavior under control. She wanted things to go back to normal so they could see where this relationship was going to take them. They seemed to be constantly toeing the line between friends and something more, and more often that not, they stepped over that line.

Beth glanced at Janice out of the corner of her eye, wishing she could just snuggle up to her, but she felt weird doing that with Tracy and Amanda sitting there as well. She had never been one for public displays of affection, or much affection at all, for that matter. But that seemed to change when Janice was around.

She desperately wanted to stop being the annoying, needy, weak person she had become, and wanted to get back to the strong, independent woman she had once been. She had struggled over the past few months with who she was now, Beth Davis or Michelle Webber? Did she go back to her original name, now that everything about her past had been revealed, or did she stick with her current identity? Ultimately, everyone had just kept referring to her as Beth, and she had let them, since none of them had known her when she was Michelle. It was like Michelle was dead and buried, so why resurrect her?

The identity issue had taken a backseat to her other issues caused by her time at the cabin with Ray, though. She thought about her name from time to time, but wasn't consumed by it, because of everything else that she was dealing with. The PTSD and nightmares and flashbacks were almost constant now, and it was all she could do to keep her head above water. If she was actually going to keep her promise to Janice and get help when they returned to the city, that might include her taking another leave from work. It was the last thing she wanted to do since her work was her life and she genuinely loved what she did for a living, but even she had to admit that things had been completely out of control lately.

She was snapped out of her reverie by the laughter of her friends at a particular scene involving Frank Drebin, the goofy main character in the movie. She glanced over at Janice again, happy to see her smiling. She felt the sudden urge to be close to her, so she snaked a hand under the blanket and ran a finger over one of her feet. Janice jumped and then looked over at her, a corner of her mouth quirked up into a grin, and stretched her leg out. Beth smiled and began massaging her foot, hearing Janice let out a soft groan.

"Do you two need to get a room?" Tracy whispered in her ear, and Beth shoved her away with a snort.

Amanda turned her head to look at them all lined up on the couch, one eyebrow raised. "What's going on, ladies?"

"Nothing," Beth, Janice, and Tracy said in unison, and Amanda laughed, turning her attention back to the movie.

Beth massaged Janice's feet for the duration of the first movie, glad to be doing something helpful and soothing for her friend, who had put up with so much. The guilt from the night before was eating at her, and it was mixed up with her emotions from their time in the back of the truck. She felt herself growing hot while thinking about it, and her hands began moving up Janice's ankle to her calf. She heard the other woman's slight intake of breath as she pressed down hard with both hands.

Amanda's phone went off at that moment, just as the first movie came to an end. "It's my boys," she said with a smile, getting out of her chair and walking up the stairs. "I'll be back shortly," she called down to them over the railing.

"I'm going to use the bathroom" Tracy said, stretching and wiggling out from underneath the blanket. She headed up the stairs as well, leaving Beth and Janice alone on the couch.

They were silent for a moment, Beth still massaging Janice's leg, her hands working up around her knee. Janice sighed, her eyes closed, looking relaxed.

Beth bit her lip, feeling guilty for interrupting the comfortable silence. "Hey," she said softly, and the taller woman cracked an eye open to look at her. "I'm really sorry for last night. I shouldn't have acted that way in the truck when you guys were just trying to help me. I'm lucky to have such a great group of friends looking out for me. It's just hard for me to be that vulnerable around other people."

Janice was watching her quietly, her expression sympathetic, so Beth continued. "As for what happened later...I don't remember some of it, but I'm sorry I put you through that. I do remember you saying that I don't have to keep apologizing, but I disagree. I am sorry, Janice. First I freeze you out for the better part of half a year, and then everything is thrown at you out of the blue over the course of a couple of days. I know what I've been doing to you isn't right. You don't deserve it. I'm just so mixed up right now. It's like I can't keep my emotions in check. One second I'm terrified, the next I'm laughing, the next, who knows? I'm all over the place and I feel so out of control." Beth turned her head and blinked back tears, not wanting to get emotional when Amanda and Tracy would be back any minute. "I'm not the person I used to be. I don't know where that person went."

She kept her head turned away, but felt Janice sit up next to her and take her hand under the blanket. "I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Beth." Her voice was soft, and Beth could tell that the other woman was on the verge of getting overly emotional as well, but was trying to control herself. "Please look at me."

Beth turned her head and her eyes locked onto Janice's dark gaze. "Beth, I've been trying to give you your space, but you need to talk about what happened with Ray. I don't think things will start to get better until you do. It's all locked up inside of you and it's clearly torturing you. Please talk to me."

They stared at each other and Beth took a deep breath. "I want to, Janice. I do. It's just hard."

"I know," Janice whispered, squeezing her hand gently. "I can't stand watching you go through this, Beth. It's killing me. It really is." This time Janice was the one to turn her head away and compose herself.

Beth crawled over to her and wrapped her arms around her neck, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "It's killing me too," she whispered in her ear. "I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't think it's ever going to stop."

Janice's grip was suddenly so tight around her ribs, she lost her breath. "Don't you check out on me, Beth. Do you hear me? It will stop someday, I promise. You just have to get there. I need you to talk to me before this gets any worse. Please."

Beth's head was against Janice's neck, her lips right up beside her ear. "It's too much," she said softly. "This isn't fair to you, Janice. I'm such a burden."

"Don't you ever say that to me," Janice hissed fiercely, pulling away from her abruptly and grabbing her arms. "You are not a burden, do you hear me? I will be here with you every step of the way, no matter how bad things are. Things have been pretty terrible, and I haven't gone anywhere, even when you wanted nothing to do with me."

Beth looked away in shame, and Janice took her chin in a firm grip, turning her face so their gazes were locked again. "You are never getting rid of me, no matter how hard you try, do you understand me? I love you, Beth. I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for months."

Beth's jaw dropped for a second, before she closed her mouth, a smile tugging at her lips. She simultaneously felt overjoyed and terrified and found that she couldn't speak. The two women stared at each other intently for a moment before there was a shriek from upstairs, followed by a thump and hysterical laughter.

"Oh, Tracy," Janice muttered, rolling her eyes. "That woman seems to have a knack for ruining a moment."

Beth smirked, so many emotions swirling around inside her, she didn't know what to do. She and Janice definitely needed to sit down and have a long talk about a lot of things, but now was not the time. They heard Amanda start laughing as well, and Janice dropped her head with a sigh. Beth ran her fingers through her hair and gently squeezed the nape of her neck.

The two blonde women came thumping down the stairs, giggling about something that Tracy had apparently fallen over on the second floor, and Beth and Janice reluctantly pulled away from each other. Amanda fixed a quick snack in the kitchen and they started the next movie. They resumed their original seats, munching on popcorn and sipping on wine, even though it was still pretty early in the day. Outside, the rain was steady, lashing the huge windows, and making everyone glad they were snuggled up inside the warm cottage.

Beth paid no attention whatsoever to the movie that was now on the screen. In fact, if someone had asked her what they were watching, she wouldn't have been able to give them the correct answer. She stared at the raindrops rolling down the window panes, lost in thought. She had had a feeling for quite awhile now that Janice was in love with her, but to hear the other woman say it out loud had been astonishing. The only other person who had ever said that to her was Ray. She was in love with Janice too, she knew that now without a doubt, but had been unable to say it back, she had been so stunned by the other woman's admission.

The part of her that was over the moon with elation was taking a backseat to the part that was petrified. Despite what Janice had just said to her, she couldn't imagine saddling her with all this baggage, especially if things between them ended up working out and they were together for the long haul. The thoughts in Beth's head were so dark, the memories of her time with Ray so vivid and intense, she didn't think she would ever be free of them. And she couldn't expect the person she loved most in the world to have to deal with it every single day, both at work and at home. She staggered to her feet, attempting to act casual.

"Hey, Beth, you okay?" Tracy asked, tearing her eyes away from the screen.

"Yeah," Beth replied, and was relieved that she was able to keep her voice from shaking. "I just need the bathroom. I'll be right back." She hurried from the room and up the stairs, feeling Janice's eyes on her the whole way.

Once she was locked away in the bathroom, she opened the window, not caring if the rain poured in, and sucked in greedy gulps of air. Her heart was racing and beads of sweat had popped out on her forehead. She was no stranger to panic attacks, PTSD episodes, and nightmares, but it was still hard to deal with them. She had been prescribed pills but had never taken one. In fact, the full bottle was sitting back in her apartment in L.A. She knew that Tracy took them from time to time when she was having a really rough day, and she carried them wherever she went, just in case she needed one. Beth figured if things got too out of control, she could just bum one from her friend, but she had never really been one to take pills. She believed in healthy eating and exercise and not putting poison in her body for any reason, but from time to time, those pills were really enticing. She was sick of having to get through all of these attacks on her own; sometimes they took hours to die down. She had spent entire nights awake, crying and shaking, just wanting it to stop.

She slid down to the floor, her back against the cool wall, rocking back and forth, her head on her knees. Images of both Janice and Ray were swirling around in her brain, and she shook her head violently, not wanting them to mix. Her breath was coming faster and faster and she struggled to get it under control, feeling like the room was tilting wildly from side to side. She fisted her hands in the long dark hair that was tumbling over her shoulders, and tugged sharply, trying to bring herself back from the brink.

A light knock sounded at the door and Beth gasped audibly, her head snapping up from her knees.

"Hey, it's Janice. You've been gone for awhile. I just came up to make sure everything is okay." Beth could tell that the other woman was keeping her voice calm in case their friends downstairs could hear her, but she knew Janice was very concerned.

She tried to call out to tell her that she was fine and to go back downstairs, but she couldn't seem to make her voice work.

Janice knocked again. "Beth, are you alright? Answer me or I'm going to open the door."

Beth realized that she had forgotten to lock the door and that Janice could come in whenever she wanted to. Her panic ratcheted up another notch, not wanting the other woman to see her like this, especially after her declaration of love. Why could she never seem to pull herself together around Janice? Again she tried to answer, but she couldn't seem to form words.

Janice knocked again and then opened the door slowly, poking her head into the room. "Oh, Beth. Oh, baby. It's okay, it's okay. I've got you."

As soon as Beth saw her, she reached out her arms to Janice, suddenly wanting to be no other place but in her embrace, wondering why she had wanted her to stay away. Janice closed and locked the door behind her and then rushed over, crouching down on the floor beside her. Beth felt frozen to the ground and didn't think she could move, but Janice solved that problem by hooking an arm underneath her knees and wrapping another arm around her back, lifting her into her lap like she weighed nothing. Beth immediately curled onto her side, her head against the other woman's chest.

"What happened, sweetheart? What's wrong?" Janice spoke soothingly, running her fingertips lightly down Beth's cheek.

Beth shook her head, a strangled whimper emitting from her throat and she frantically grasped the front of Janice's T-shirt, feeling like she was suffocating from lack of air. "Can't breathe," she choked out.

Janice wrapped her arms around her tightly and rocked her back and forth. "You're having a panic attack. You can breathe," she assured her.

"No," Beth's voice was strangled, the anxiety wrapping around her like a vise. "I can't, I can't."

"You can," Janice said calmly.

Beth felt her hand being gently untangled from the death grip she had on the taller woman's T-shirt, and then Janice was moving her.

"No, no." She knew this had been too good to last. Janice was disgusted with her, she couldn't take all the drama anymore. She was going to leave her on the floor of the bathroom in a crumpled heap and go rejoin the others downstairs. Her thoughts were spiraling out of control and she knew they weren't making much sense, but she couldn't seem to stop them. "Don't leave me."

"I'm not going anywhere, baby." Janice uncrossed her legs and slid Beth around so she was sitting between her legs on the floor, her back to her chest. She wrapped one arm around Beth's waist and put her other hand against her heart. "Breathe when I breathe. You can do it." She took a deep breath in and then let it out slowly, Beth struggling to copy her.

Janice's legs were bent and braced firmly against Beth's sides, and Beth had her arms hooked under the other woman's knees, pulling her impossibly closer. She closed her eyes, willing herself to calm down and match her breathing to Janice's. Her head fell back against Janice's shoulders, her mouth open, still trying to gulp in lungfulls of air.

"Breathe slowly," Janice instructed in a whisper. "In and out. That's it. You're doing it."

Beth concentrated as hard as she could, her eyes squeezed shut, feeling the movement of Janice's chest against her back. Very slowly her racing heart began to calm, and the tingly feeling that always accompanied an attack began to dissipate. She and Janice were breathing in sync now, and the tight feeling in her chest began to loosen, her breathing coming easier.

"That's it's it, you're doing great." Janice's hand was still pressed to her heart, her other hand rubbing soothing circles on her stomach. "Just keep breathing."

They were silent for several minutes; the only sounds in the room were their breathing and the patter of rain against the bathroom window. There was a hitch in Beth's breathing from time to time, but for the most part she was much more calm.

There was a sudden knock at the door and Beth jumped, badly startled after the quiet, her heart rate picking up again.

Janice cursed under her breath and banded her arms more tightly around Beth, continuing to rock her back and forth. "Yeah?" she called out.

"Hey, guys, just checking to see if everything is okay." Amanda's kind voice floated through the door.

"We're good. We just need a few more minutes," Janice replied. Beth found that her voice wouldn't work again and she couldn't respond to her friend.

"Okay, take as long as you need," Amanda said. "We're going to start making some lunch. Just come down whenever you're ready."

"Sounds good. Thanks, Amanda." They listened as the blonde lawyer's footsteps receded away from the door and down the stairs.

"Sometimes I think it would have been better if you and I had gone on vacation alone," Janice muttered. "How're you doing, sweetie?" She was running her hand up and down Beth's rib cage.

"A little better." Beth's voice sounded rough and gravelly. "I feel really shaky."

"Yeah, I can still feel you trembling," Janice said softly. "I think that's the aftershock of a panic attack. Come here." She turned Beth around and crossed her legs, lifting her slightly so she was sitting in her lap again, snuggled against her chest. Beth closed her eyes, listening to Janice's heartbeat, while the other woman combed her fingers through the dark hair she had let grow all the way down her back.

"I don't want to go back downstairs," she whispered. "I want to stay here with you."

"We don't have to go anywhere just yet," Janice murmured. "We can stay here as long as you need to."

"I hate being like this." Beth's voice was low and anguished, and she was disgusted with how weak she sounded, how weak she was acting. "It's my fault, you know. It's my fault that this is all happening. I started it."

"What? What do you mean, it's your fault? How did you start it?" Janice was brushing her hair away from her face, peering down to look her in the eye.

Beth closed her eyes, lowering her head. "I never should have followed Perry to that parking lot that night, way back when we first started investigating him for stalking. If I had just done things the proper way, this never would have happened. He never would have fixated on me and then found Ray and got him involved. I abused my authority and kick started this whole thing. I screwed up, with the worst possible consequences."

"Not the worst possible," Janice whispered. She stroked Beth's hair. "Maybe you shouldn't have gone about it the way you did, but you were just sticking up for the victim. Considering your past, it's easy to see why you did what you did." Janice's voice was soft. "But Beth, what's done is done. What happened with you and Perry in that parking lot was a long time ago now. Perry is dead and so is Ray. There is nothing you can do but try to keep moving forward. You can't go back and change what happened. And you had no way of knowing that things would escalate the way they did. None of us knew what Perry was capable of, when he first appeared on our radar last year." Janice paused and Beth could hear her swallow. ""No one knew how far he would take things, and that he would involved Ray."

Beth knew that Janice understood where she was coming from with Perry, since Janice had also egged Perry on in a parking lot, to the point where he had tried to strangle her. Janice may have taken things a little far herself, but Beth knew that she had been desperately trying to get Perry off the streets and put away so he would stop stalking and harassing her. Sometimes they pushed a situation beyond the limits of what was right, and even though it was for a good cause, they never knew if it was going to backfire on them.

Janice cleared her throat and Beth felt her loosen the grip she had around her. She felt the loss immediately and wished the other woman would tighten her arms again, but she figured Janice was gearing up to say something.

"Look, Beth, I'm sorry about that bomb I dropped on your earlier," Janice said softly. "I've wanted to tell you for a long time but there just hasn't been a good time. And today was definitely not the right time. It just kind of slipped out in the heat of the moment. I swear, I've never known anyone who can make me an emotional wreck the way you can."

Beth snorted. "Gee, thanks." Her heart rate began to pick up again but this time it was for a different reason. "But I don't know why you're apologizing, Janice. I love you too. And I've probably been in love with you for as long as you've been in love with me." She glanced up at the other woman to see tears forming in her eyes and a grin spreading across her pink cheeks.

"So we're in love with each other then?" Janice said it with such awe and wonder, and it was so far from her usual self assured, sarcastic tone, that Beth burst out laughing and hugged her tightly.

"This is what I was talking about when I mentioned my dramatic mood swings," she said, Janice began laughing as well, and they rocked back and forth in each other's arms for a moment, the somber mood replaced by a sudden giddiness.

Another knock sounded on the door and they groaned in unison. Beth began to think that Janice's suggestion of just the two of them taking a vacation together was not such a bad idea.

"Are you guys planning on spending the rest of the day in there?" Tracy's voice, laced with both impatience and concern, came floating through the door.

"So much for taking all the time we need," Janice muttered.

"Lunch is ready, and then we thought we'd get a poker tournament going. You guys coming out soon?"

"I think we just did," Janice whispered, and Beth snorted back a laugh, her shoulders shaking in silent mirth.

"We'll be down in a minute," Janice called, amusement lacing her voice.

When they heard Tracy's footsteps heading back down the stairs, they began helping each other off the floor.

"Are you okay now?" Janice asked in all seriousness. ""If you're not ready to rejoin the others, we can stay here all day, if you want to."

"I don't think Tracy would appreciate that," Beth replied, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. "But yes, I'm doing better. Thank you so much, Janice. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Well, you'll never have to find out," Janice whispered, taking Beth into her arms again.

Their lips met in a kiss and Beth wanted so much more, but held herself back from deepening it. She knew this just wasn't the time or the place, even though that hadn't stopped them the night before, when things had gotten out of hand in the truck. She reluctantly pulled away from Janice, and they left the bathroom hand in hand.

xxx

 _*Song lyrics are from Crossfade's "Cold"_


	7. Chapter 7

**Major trigger warnings for this chapter, so please be warned. Things get more detailed.**

xxx

" _Like you've been running for hours and can't catch your breath_

 _The demons are screaming so loud in your head_

 _You're tired, you're broken, you're cut and you're bruised_

 _But nothing's too heavy, just hold on, I'll carry you."_

xxx

The afternoon took a quick turn from the quiet, somewhat somber day that they had been having so far. They made lunch and then launched into a poker tournament that ended up lasting for several hours, during which they drained a few bottles of wine. The tournament was loud and raucous with lots of table slapping and swearing and winning and losing money.

Janice was thoroughly enjoying herself and was more than a little tipsy from the several glasses of wine she had consumed. Despite the rough emotional moments she and Beth had shared earlier in the day, she was flying high from the admission of love from her boss, and happy to see that Beth was loosening up and having fun with everyone. There had been no panic attacks or PTSD episodes throughout the afternoon, just lots of laughter and good times with the girls. So far this vacation had been an extreme mix of crazy highs and lows, and Janice was glad that for now, at least, they were on a high.

Halfway through the evening they realized that they had not yet had any dinner. No one felt like cooking and they were running out of food anyway, so they decided to order a few pizzas. The rain was still pouring down and it was now getting dark, and no one felt like venturing outdoors in search of dinner.

While they were sprawled around the kitchen table, consuming copious amounts of pizza, Amanda found a station on the radio that played '90s music, and cranked up the tunes. Next's "Too Close" came blaring from the speakers, and Janice threw her slice of pizza down and jumped to her feet.

"Oh my god, I remember grinding with random guys to this song in the bars!" she exclaimed, and everyone broke into laughter.

"Why does that not surprise me?" Amanda remarked with a grin. She stood up to bring her plate to the counter, and Janice grabbed her around the hips and began shimmying back and forth in front of her. Amanda threw back her head with a loud laugh and began swishing her hips back and forth as well.

"Woo hoo!" Tracy shrieked, leaping up from the table and pressing herself against Janice's back. The three of them began sloppily grinding against each other, giggling madly.

Janice glanced over to where Beth was still sitting at the table, holding onto her wine glass, a smile playing at her lips as she watched the antics of her friends. Beth looked straight at her and held her gaze, her tongue flicking out to lick a drop of wine off her lips, and Janice felt her legs quiver.

"Come here," she mouthed, gesturing, and Beth stood up from the table slowly, never taking her eyes off of Janice.

"Hey, Beth!" Tracy yelled happily, when the tiny dark haired woman joined the group.

Janice managed to extricate herself from between Amanda and Tracy's gyrating bodies just as "Bootylicious" came blasting through the speakers. She sidled up to Beth, wrapping her arms around the smaller woman's waist and sensually moving her hips from side to side. Beth grinned up at her and began copying her moves. Janice was pretty sure the other woman was just as wasted as she was, as they danced close together in the kitchen, and one look at Amanda and Tracy holding each other tightly and swaying to the music like a slow song was playing, pretty much confirmed that they were all pretty far gone.

Janice was having trouble controlling herself around the smaller woman. Beth looked delicately beautiful in a long flowing summer skirt with a simple white tank top, her long hair pulled back into a hasty ponytail, tendrils of dark hair curling at the nape of her neck. Her pupils were dilated, making her eyes look like huge dark pools, her gaze boring into Janice's as they danced.

They were trying to be discreet around their friends, but Janice couldn't seem to help it as she pulled Beth closer to her and leaned down to press her lips against the other woman's. She was so turned on right now. Beth, for her part, didn't seem to mind as she responded enthusiastically.

"Oh, I knew it!" Tracy suddenly squealed, and Janice craned her head around Beth to see the blonde woman hugging Amanda and jumping up and down. "Awww, you guys are so cute together!"

Amanda was smiling at them, her blue eyes sparkling.

Janice laughed, and Beth looked away, her cheeks turning pink, but she looked happy. Tracy wrapped her arms around Beth and picked her up off the ground in a giant bear hug, and Beth shrieked with laughter.

"I'm so happy for you guys!"

Janice and Amanda joined in the hug, and they were all clutching each other tightly, swaying giddily around the room. They broke apart after Tracy announced she was going to throw up and abruptly left the room to run upstairs.

"Oh no, I should probably go see if she's okay," Beth murmured, slurring her words slightly and holding onto the wall as she made her way toward the stairs.

"You alright there?" Janice asked, amused, as she watched the smaller woman navigate her way across the kitchen.

"I'm good!" Beth announced with a big cheesy grin, and Janice and Amanda burst out laughing.

Beth and Tracy were upstairs for quite awhile, so Janice and Amanda began putting the rest of the pizza away and washing the dishes. Janice couldn't seem to keep her mind off of Beth and hoped the other woman would come back down soon.

"I'm really happy for you guys," Amanda said with a soft smile as she handed Janice a plate to dry. "You're good for each other. And you and Beth have always seemed to have this special connection."

Janice smiled back at her. "Thanks, Amanda."

Tracy suddenly came bounding down the stairs, with Beth close behind her, looking completely refreshed, asking why the party had stopped. The others looked at one another in surprise but shrugged and turned the music back up. After making sure that Tracy was indeed okay, they started another poker tournament and kept the wine flowing.

Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, they stumbled into the great room and put on the third installment of The Naked Gun trilogy. All four of them sprawled onto the couch together, and Janice had time to register Beth's head falling heavily against her shoulder before she passed out.

It was late morning when she awoke, her stomach tied up in sour knots and a sickly taste in her mouth. She was the only one awake; the other three were in various positions along the couch, hair mussed and snoring. The rain from yesterday had completely disappeared, leaving dazzling sunshine pouring in through the floor-to-ceiling windows.

Janice sat up and groaned, covering her eyes against the onslaught of brightness, and only then did she realize that Beth was laying half on top of her, one hand wrapped around Janice's arm in her customary death grip. It briefly occurred to her that she needed to stop sleeping on the couch. Her stomach turned over and Janice clapped a hand over her mouth and gently eased herself out from underneath Beth's body to sprint upstairs and vomit several times into the toilet.

Her stomach continued to roil uncomfortably and there was a sheen of sweat on her face. She folded her arms on the toilet seat and rested her head on them, breathing heavily. Why had she drank so much the night before? She tended to get carried away when it came to alcohol and didn't always seem to know when to stop. She guessed that the others wouldn't be feeling much better this morning.

The birds were chirping noisily just outside the bathroom window and it felt like someone was drilling a hole into her brain. She wanted to throw something at them to make them stop. She whimpered, hiding her face in her arms and feeling very sorry for herself, even though she knew she had no right to.

She felt gentle hands rubbing her back and then someone was pulling her hair away from her sticky neck. Janice jumped slightly; she had been so wrapped up in her own misery, she hadn't heard anyone come in.

"Hey, how're you doing, honey?" Beth's voice was soft. "Did you overdue it a bit last night?"

"Uh huh," Janice moaned. "I think I'm dying."

Beth snickered. "I think you're going to be okay. I'll get you some Tylenol and put some coffee on." She was rubbing Janice's back as she spoke. "Why don't you brush your teeth and get in the shower while I do that? I can start some breakfast for everyone too. Amanda and Tracy are just waking up, and everyone looks pretty rough today."

"Sounds good," Janice mumbled. "How are you feeling today?" She glanced up at the other woman before hiding her face in her folded arms again. Beth looked a little pale and tired, but otherwise seemed okay. She was definitely doing a lot better than Janice was.

"I'm alright," Beth replied. "Feeling a little sick but I'll live."

"I think I need some help in the shower," Janice moaned, a corner of her lip turning up.

Beth laughed, helping the taller woman to her feet. "Nice try. I think you'll be fine." She kissed Janice on the cheek and headed out of the bathroom. "I'll see you downstairs."

Janice stumbled over to the shower and shrugged off yesterday's clothes. She stood directly under the water, letting it pour over her head and drip down her face. It felt good and she slowly began to wake up. As she stood there letting the hot water stream over her body, she became aware of a gnawing sensation in her conscience.

She hadn't told anyone this, but Molly had texted her several times since they had left Los Angeles, saying how much she missed her and how she wished Janice had invited her along. In one of the messages Molly had suggested they sit down for a talk when she returned. Janice had sent the other woman a couple of brief texts, saying she missed her too and was having lots of fun with the girls, but had pretty much left it at that. She had mentioned nothing specifically about Beth, not their admittance of love for each other or the escalating nightmares and PTSD episodes.

Lately, Molly had begun pushing to take their relationship to the next level, and Janice suspected she wanted to discuss moving in together, when she got back to L.A. She had known from the beginning that Molly was more into their relationship, if you could call it that, than she was. It baffled her that the other woman wanted to keep moving forward, as they seemed to fight just as much or more than they got along. Sometimes Janice enjoyed the fights, as she needed an outlet for her frustration and aggression, but other times she just wished for peace and quiet. She wanted companionship and camaraderie for the long haul, not screaming and tears.

She had known from the beginning that she shouldn't have gotten involved with Molly, that she was only doing it out of her need to be with Beth. She knew that said a lot about her psyche, and this it wasn't good. Molly, for her part, knew that there was something going on with Beth, but not the extent of it. A few months back, she had been rifling through one of the drawers in Janice's kitchen, looking for something or other, and had come across a picture of Ben, Beth, and Janice, that Jack had snapped during a get together at Beth's house, only a couple of days before she had been taken by Ray. They had been outside on Beth's patio, drunk on beer and wine and laughing hysterically at a story Ben had been telling. In the photo, Beth and Janice's faces were turned toward each other, lit up with happiness, and Janice's hand was squeezing her arm.

Molly had stared at the picture for a moment, before accusing Janice of exactly what she had been doing; using her because she couldn't have Beth. Janice had vehemently denied it, but the argument had been explosive, probably one of the worst they'd ever had. Molly was furious about how much she looked like Beth, and there was only so much Janice could say in her own defense. She had been caught red-handed. She had only picked up Molly in the bar that night because of her resemblance to Beth and the crushing rejection she had felt at the time, but it had somehow turned from a fling into whatever it currently was.

She had admitted that she had had feelings for Beth in the past, but downplayed how serious they were, and outright lied about her present feelings, saying she had lost interest in her boss after the whole Ray and Perry debacle, how Beth was even more cold than she used to be and how she could never be with someone like that. It had cut her to the bone to say those things about the woman she was so desperately in love with, and even thinking of it now made her feel physically ill. But it had been the only way to keep Molly in her life. Beth had been absent both physically and emotionally for months at that point, and Janice was so horribly lonely, she couldn't imagine Molly leaving her. She had once been so independent, going from one sexual partner to the next without developing attachments, and not bothered by the fact that she was ultimately alone, but that had all changed with Beth. So she had convinced Molly that her boss meant nothing to her, and eventually the younger woman had relented, but it remained a source of contention between them from time to time.

She knew she had to end things with Molly as soon as possible, and was planning on doing just that, as soon as they returned from the cottage. But the guilt was coming more from concealing her relationship with Molly from Beth, than from lying to Molly about the extent of the feelings she had for her boss. She had justified it by telling herself that she and Molly broke up and got back together so many times, that it didn't even count as being in a real relationship, but she knew she was just bullshitting herself. If Molly was pushing to movie into together than obviously their relationship was real.

Janice didn't know if she should come clean to Beth about dating Molly or just quietly end things with the other woman upon her return to Los Angeles and continue trying to build something with Beth. She knew it was better just to be honest, but she was terrified of losing Beth all over again, just when she had gotten her back. Things between them seemed so tenuous right now, especially with Beth's current state of mind, the extreme mood swings from one point of the emotional spectrum to the other, from her desperate need to be with Janice to her sudden need to be alone. And things with Molly weren't likely to be quiet; if Janice knew anything about her, it was that just accepting something and moving on was not her strong suit.

She rested her head against the cool tiles of the shower stall and sighed. Why did things have to be so complicated?

When she finally made it downstairs, Tracy and Amanda had gotten up and were slumped at the kitchen table, gulping down coffee, nobody saying very much. Beth had made another big breakfast, but so far no one seemed as enthusiastic to eat it as they had the day before. Janice joined them, accepting a large plate of food from Beth, not wanting to her feelings. The last thing she felt like doing was eating.

It was decided that since it was such a beautiful day and they were already almost at the halfway point of the their vacation, that they wouldn't spend another day just hanging around the cottage, even though they were all quite hungover. It was mid-afternoon by the time everyone was ready to go, and they drove into town to a large open-air market to pick up food for the rest of their stay and do a little shopping at some of the stores there. When they returned they were feeling quite a bit better, and had a late lunch before splitting up for some afternoon activities. Amanda and Janice went for a hike in the woods that bordered the surrounding cottages, while Beth and Tracy opted to spend some down time at the beach. They had a very late dinner that night, dining on the deck again, the stars and twinkly lights creating a magical atmosphere. The evening ended in the hot tub, but this time they opted against any drinking.

Janice was uncharacteristically quiet while they were in the hot tub, and she noticed Beth glancing at her from time to time. She leaned her back against the side of the tub and stared up at the stars while the others talked. She was only half listening, so she didn't hear Amanda when the blonde woman asked if she was alright.

"Janice?" She felt Tracy nudge her shin with her foot, under the water. "Amanda asked if you were okay. You're being very un-Janice-like right now."

"Hmm? What? Oh, sorry," Janice replied. "I zoned out for a minute there. Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired from last night, I guess." She avoided Beth's gaze, but felt the smaller woman's pinky finger rubbing up against her own.

"Yeah, I'm bushed," Tracy said. "I think I'll head up to bed in a minute."

"Well, I'm about to fall asleep right here," Amanda added. "I think I'm going to call it a night, ladies. When we get up in the morning, we'll work out the plans for the day. The next door neighbours just arrived for their vacation, and Janice and I ran into them when we were on our hike earlier. They were talking about taking their boat out tomorrow, and asked if we wanted to join them. We can decide in the morning, though."

"That could be fun," Tracy said, and Janice and Beth murmured their agreement.

"Okay, goodnight, everyone. See you tomorrow." Amanda got out of the hot tub and the others followed suit.

They went into their respective bedrooms once they got upstairs. Just as Janice was slipping out of her wet bikini, there was a knock on her door.

"Come in," she called, wrapping a towel around herself and sitting down on the edge of the bed.

Beth poked her head inside and then came into the room, shutting the door behind her. "Hey, are you okay? You've been very quiet today." She was dressed in read and white plaid pajama short with a matching red tank top, and her hair was pulled back into a bun. Janice thought she looked beautiful, and her heart ached as she regarded her boss.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she lied. "I think I'm still a bit hungover from last night. I just need a good night's sleep in an actual bed, instead of down on the couch."

Beth smiled. "Yeah, that's a good idea. So are you heading to bed now then?"

Janice nodded, looking away from her. "Yeah, I think I'll turn in."

"Do you want some company?" Beth's smile faltered and she looked a little unsure.

Janice felt awful. She wanted nothing more than to say yes to the woman she had just professed her love to the day before, but the guilt about her relationship with Molly was eating her alive. She knew she needed to come clean, but it was late and she was exhausted, and she felt a tension headache coming on. She should have just been honest in the first place, but whatever it was that she had with Molly had taken a backseat to her concern about Beth's precarious mental state over the last few days. She hadn't given Molly a whole lot of thought since they had left Los Angeles, but now she couldn't seem to get her off her mind. Beth had so much to worry about, that Janice wished she could just end the relationship with Molly quietly and have it be over and done with, but she knew that wasn't going to work. And she didn't want her relationship with Beth to start out on a huge lie.

She was feeling very stressed and conflicted about the whole situation and was horrified to find herself on the verge of tears. She blinked rapidly and quickly swiped a hand across her eyes.

"Janice, what's wrong?" Beth asked softly. She had been shifting hesitantly from foot to foot near the bedroom door, but now came to sit down on the bed beside the strawberry blonde. She put a hand on her arm and rubbed gently. "Talk to me."

Janice swallowed, willing herself not to cry. "I want to, but I just can't right now. I just need to get some sleep. Is it okay if we sleep separately tonight? I'm just really tired and I'm getting a headache."

"Oh, okay, sure," Beth whispered, removing her hand from Janice's arm and getting to her feet.

"Beth, I'm sorry." Janice reached out to grab the other woman's hand, but Beth sidestepped out of her reach. "I just need a bit of time alone tonight."

"It's fine, Janice. Get some rest. I hope you feel better." Beth tried to smile again but her lips trembled. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Beth, wait-" But the smaller woman was already hurrying from the room. Janice sighed and slumped down onto the bed, the towel slipping down her thin frame. She ripped it off and threw it to the floor in frustration.

She felt terrible saying no to Beth when she was so vulnerable and actually wanted to be close to Janice. She was so hot and cold most of the time, that Janice was never sure if she was going to be rejected or not. She knew that wasn't Beth's fault; she needed time to work through her severe PTSD.

Tears began slipping down her cheeks and she climbed under the covers without putting pajamas on. She thought about going into the next room to apologize to Beth, but the guilt was overwhelming her, and she closed her eyes, pressing her face into the pillow, her tears soaking into the material. She was so tired from all the worry and stress, that it only took a few minutes to drift off to sleep.

Janice opened her eyes, confused, wondering what had awoken her. She looked around the dark room and her eyes fixed on the clock. It was 3:27am and the cottage was quiet, except for a soft noise in the background. She rolled over in bed, frowning, and closed her eyes again, trying to ignore it. But the more she tried to tune it out, the more the sound came into focus, and she finally realized that what she was hearing was the shower from the bathroom down the hall.

She sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed, padding toward the door, wondering why someone was taking a shower at this time of night. As she was walking out of the room, she suddenly realized she was naked, and quickly plucked her robe off the floor, pulling it on. She noticed right away that the door to Beth's bedroom was wide open, and a quick glance inside confirmed that Beth was not in there.

"Shit," Janice muttered, hurrying toward the bathroom and rapping lightly on the door. Just as she expected, there was no answer, so she eased the door open and stepped inside, shutting it behind her.

"Beth?" she said. There was frosted glass over the bottom half of the shower stall, and she could see the shadow of a small figure huddled on the floor. "Beth!" She rushed toward the stall and whipped open the door, not caring about the other woman's privacy at the moment.

Beth was sitting on the floor, naked and shivering, her knees pulled up to her chest, her head hanging down. Her long dark hair hung in soaking wet strands over her face and arms. Water streamed down from the shower head, and when Janice reached in to turn it off, she noticed it was absolutely freezing.

"Jesus, Beth! What's going on?" She knelt down in front of the other woman, pushing her drenched hair back from her face. Beth's skin was white, and she was staring straight ahead, her expression completely blank. Janice felt the hair stand up on the back of her neck, and she had a flashback to the events of a couple of nights ago.

"Beth?" she said softly, reaching out to gently turn her boss' head toward her. Beth stared right through her, not reacting to Janice's presence at all. Janice's heart began pounding and she considered waking up Tracy and Amanda, but she didn't want to embarrass Beth and she knew the other woman would be very upset with her when she came out of it. She decided to try to deal with the situation on her own, at least for the time being.

"Hey, sweetheart, what's going on?" She continued gently pushing Beth's sopping wet hair away from her face, hoping the physical contact would bring her back into coherence. She wasn't sure what was going on; if it was a PTSD episode or some strange kind of anxiety attack. Or maybe Beth was having a nightmare and was still stuck in its grip.

The tiny woman was shivering violently now, and Janice stood up and quickly grabbed a towel off the rack, wrapping it tightly around her. She then got a smaller towel and tried to squeeze some of the water out of her hair. Beth had let her already-long hair grow out over the past several months, and now it hung all the way down her back in soaking wet clumps.

Beth was not responding in any way, so Janice got into the shower stall with her, sitting on the wet floor, not caring when the water soaked into her robe. She noticed that the other woman's lips had a bluish tinge to them, so she wrapped an arm around her bird-like shoulders, pulling her into her side. Beth stiffened, seeming to finally acknowledge that someone else was in the shower stall with her.

"Hey," Janice whispered, leaning down to look her in the eye. "It's just me, honey. Are you okay?" Beth met her gaze briefly and Janice noticed a brief flicker of recognition before she looked away again. She was still stiff in her embrace, and the shivering seemed to have intensified.

"We need to get you out of here and dried off and warmed up, Beth. You're absolutely frozen. Why was the water so cold? Hmm?" She tried to meet Beth's gaze again but the other woman wouldn't look at her. "Why did you need to take a shower in the middle of the night?"

Beth drew in a sharp breath and then brought her hands up to her head, clutching at her hair. Her breathing began coming out in short pants and Janice could feel her heart hammering. She recognized the impending panic attack, and quickly hauled Beth to her feet.

"Okay, let's get out of here. Come on, we'll go into my room. That's it." She helped Beth step out of the shower stall, making sure the towel was secure around her. The robe Janice was wearing was sticking to her body in big wet patches.

Beth was still shaking as they walked down the hall, but she seemed content with Janice's arms around her, guiding her, as she was no longer trying to pull away. They reached Janice's room and sat down on the bed together. Janice had draped the smaller towel around Beth's shoulders, and she gently pulled it off and began trying to squeeze more water out of the other woman's hair. She rubbed her hair vigorously, noticing the multitude of goosebumps over Beth's arms and upper chest, as she did so.

"Oh honey, you're freezing," Janice murmured with concern. The temperature outside had steadily risen throughout the day, so Amanda had turned the air conditioning on before they had gone to bed, and Janice herself was starting to shiver from the cool air and the wet robe clinging to her body.

She finished with Beth's hair, figuring that was as dry as she was going to get it without using the hair dryer. She didn't want to risk the noise waking up Amanda and Tracy, so she opted against turning it on. She gripped the bigger towel that was still wrapped securely around Beth's body, and hesitated. She didn't want the smaller woman to feel more vulnerable than she already was, but she needed to get her warm and dry.

"Hey Beth, I'm just going to dry you off and get you something to wear, okay?" There was no response from her boss, who was staring at the floor, still shaking. Janice was getting more and more concerned about her lack of mental presence. Beth seemed entirely zoned out, still caught up in whatever was tormenting her inside her brain. Janice knew it had something to do with Ray, and she inwardly cursed him for never leaving Beth alone, even after death.

She knelt down on the floor in front of the smaller woman and slowly undid the towel wrapped around her, giving her an opportunity to balk and do it herself, if she wanted to. But Beth was as silent as ever, keeping her head down. Janice removed the towel completely and set about drying her off gently but quickly, noticing how thin she had become. Beth had always been tiny, but now she was downright skinny, her ribs protruding and her arms and legs feeling so fragile. Janice still thought she looked gorgeous, but her heart ached for the woman who had been so strong, the one who had taught martial arts and went running everyday and could take down suspects twice her size. Beth looked like she was wasting away.

"Okay, all done," she said softly, taking Beth's hand and wrapping an arm around her waist to help her to her feet. She led her around the side of the bed, pulling back the covers. "Here, get underneath the blankets while I go find you something warm to wear." She tucked Beth in and turned around to dig through her suitcase for something of her own, so she wouldn't have to leave the room.

A small whimper caught her attention, and she whipped around to see Beth curled up under the covers with her arms over her head. "Hey, babe, you okay?" She rushed over to the bed, her wet robe coming undone and gaping at the front. She shrugged it off impatiently and let it drop to the floor before climbing under the blankets next to the smaller woman. "What is it? Talk to me. Please."

Beth dropped her hands and looked at her in the dim lamp light.

"Hey, you're back," Janice whispered with a tiny smile. She rested a hand tentatively on her shoulder, massaging for a moment. "What happened? Did you have a flashback?"

Beth stared at her, her eyes dark black pools, and Janice felt like she was drowning, the love and worry and need she had for this person was so overwhelming. "I had a nightmare," she whispered.

Janice reached down to take her hand and give it a squeeze. "I'm sorry, honey. But you're safe. It's not real."

Beth continued to stare at her and Janice stared back, their gazes locked on one another, and the moment was so intense that Janice suddenly had a feeling that Beth was going to tell her what had happened all those months ago and why it continued to torment her. She drew in a breath and blew it slowly, steeling herself.

Janice linked their fingers together. "It's okay, you can tell me. Was the nightmare about Ray?"

Beth nodded slowly, and then shook her head. "It wasn't...not at first. It was about you. We were...together. And it felt so good. The best dream I've had in a long time."

Janice smiled softly at her, squeezing her fingers.

Beth looked away for a moment, a slight blush colouring her pale cheeks. "It was so good, I was actually getting worked up in my sleep. It was amazing and I was so happy, and then it changed. You weren't you anymore. You were Ray. But I couldn't make myself stop. I was already-I was already-" She choked up, not able to get the words out.

"You had an orgasm?" Janice whispered.

Beth nodded and looked physically ill for a moment. "I-I couldn't make it stop. I tried to but it just happened. I was so disgusted, so ashamed, I had to get in the shower. But I kind of got lost in my head for a bit. I don't know how long I was in there for. I don't remember you coming in. I'm sorry, Janice. I'm awful."

"Hey, you don't need to apologize, baby." Janice stroked back her wet hair, trying to maintain eye contact with her. "You can't control what you dream about or how your body responds. That's happened to me before too. You're not disgusting. It's not your fault."

"But it's happened before," Beth whispered, her voice so low that Janice had to strain to hear her. "I didn't mean for it to happen, but it did."

Janice frowned. "You mean you've had other dreams like this? Beth, it's okay-"

"No," Beth interrupted. "I mean it happened for for real."

Janice stared at her, a chilling realization dawning on her, and her heart began to pound wildly. "What do you mean?" she asked carefully. "You mean it happened with Ray for real?"

Beth nodded, her eyes locked onto Janice's again, open wide and pooling with tears that didn't fall, but clung to her long lashes.

Janice felt sick to her stomach and could barely get the words out. "When-when did it happen?"

"At the cabin. Ray raped me, Janice. More than once."

Janice stared at her in horror, her throat suddenly so tight that she could barely draw in a breath. Her brain was whirling with so many thoughts, she couldn't think straight. How had she not seen this? In all the years she had worked with the LAPD and TAU, in all the victims she had dealt with, all the schooling and training she'd had, she should have known. Not to mention the connection she had with Beth, how close she was to the other woman, how much she loved her. A strangled sob tore its way out of her throat and she had to press her hands to her mouth to prevent the wail that was about to follow it.

"Oh my god, Beth." The enormity of the situation was suddenly too much and she had to turn away for a moment to get a handle on herself. She and Jack hadn't gotten to the cabin in time, after all. They had been way too late.

"Janice?" Beth's voice was quivering and uncertain, and she felt a brief touch on her bare shoulder, before there was movement in the bed. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you."

Janice rolled over in time to see Beth's bare back as she sat up and attempted to climb out from under the covers. "No, don't leave," she said desperately, grabbing the smaller woman from behind, pressing their bodies together and tucking them back under the blankets. It occurred to her that they shouldn't be having this conversation naked, but she didn't make a move to get up. Beth didn't struggle, and instead sagged against her, like she was exhausted, covering her face with her hands.

"I'm glad you told me," Janice whispered in her ear. "I've been hoping for months that you would tell me what happened. You needed to tell someone, Beth. You needed to get it out."

They were silent for several minutes, Beth curled into herself under the covers, and Janice holding onto her tightly from behind, feeling like she needed to be Beth's anchor so she didn't slip away. Things suddenly made so much more sense now. The nightmares, the PTSD, the anxiety, the sudden pulling away from all the relationships Beth had formed with her co-workers, and the very close relationship that she had formed with Janice herself. The inability to be touched or get too emotionally involved with anyone. The extreme mood swings, going from hot to cold in the space of minutes. Tracy had been through a number of these issues as well, but Beth's trauma had seemed deeper, more ingrained.

Janice lay there stunned, feeling like she had just received a blow to the head. The room was spinning and she closed her eyes, burying her face in Beth's damp hair. How had this happened? Rape had never been brought up in the discussion and research of the severe psychological issues that Ray had been afflicted with. He had never been accused or arrested for sexual assault, and there was not even a hint of sexual deviance anywhere in his history. But he had been without Beth, his former girlfriend, the woman he was obsessed with, for twelve years. He had been locked away with little to no human contact, sexual or otherwise.

Beth had not said a word about it after she had been rescued. She had been taken to a local emergency room to get the gunshot graze on her thigh stitched up, and then had gone with Janice and Jack to see Ben in the hospital. After that, they had barely seen her for the next several weeks, until she had returned to work.

"Did you tell anyone what happened, when you were in the emergency room afterwards?" Janice asked softly. "Did they do an exam?"

"No." Beth's voice was flat. "There was no point. Ray was dead. It wasn't like there was going to be a court case and jail time. Perry was dead too, so there was no one left to prosecute. Aside from the gunshot graze and a few scrapes and bruises and bit of dehydration, I wasn't really injured that much. I had rope burns on my wrists that could be hidden easily. Any other injuries I just took care of myself." Janice heard her swallow hard. "Once I knew I couldn't get away, once I knew it was going to happen and there was nothing I could do to stop it, I knew how to make it easier on myself. I knew how to make it not hurt as much. I had to stop fighting or it would have been so much worse. I could have ended up with severe injuries, he could have killed me. He was pretty adamant about that part. He either got what he wanted or he would kill me."

"Oh, Beth." Janice kept her face buried in the other woman's hair, silent tears streaming down her cheeks. She was so relieved that Beth was finally talking about what had happened to her, was finally getting it out in the open, but it hurt more than anything Janice could remember. This was even worse than the night Ben had been shot and Beth had been taken. If it was this torturous just listening to Beth talk about it, how horrific must it have been to go through it?

"I couldn't get away," Beth murmured. "Not in time, not before he...did what he did. All the martial arts training, everything I'd been taught over the years, it didn't matter. He had been getting more and more physically aggressive with me once we were inside the cabin, and he got tired of me repeatedly pulling away and saying no. He got even angrier when I fought back, so he tied me down and I couldn't get away. He tied me to the bed. I was stuck there, I was trapped, and he did whatever he wanted." A shudder ran through her body and Janice tightened her hold on her, suppressing the urge to vomit, knowing that Beth needed to get everything out, now that she had finally started talking.

"At first I struggled and screamed so he taped my mouth shut and smacked me in the head a couple of times. He kept saying that he wanted it to be like it used to be between us, that if I just relaxed and let it happen it could be great again. I was so terrified, I couldn't stop fighting, so he held my gun to my head and told me he would shoot me if I didn't stop. After that I tried my best to stay calm. And he became much more gentle. Too gentle." Beth pulled away from her and turned over to look Janice in the eye. "That's what I meant when I said it had happened before. I couldn't help it, my body betrayed me. I tried to make it stop but it just...happened. And Ray, he was so...triumphant, going on and on about how he had been right, how he knew it could be just like it used to be, how no one else could make me feel the way he could." Beth put her hands over her eyes. "He raped me twice more before I got away and Jack found me in the woods."

Janice stared at her in horror, words failing her. She wanted to say something comforting, something understanding, but she was so consumed in Beth's terror and shame, she couldn't speak. Instead she just pulled Beth against her, and they clung to each other under the covers, completely bare in both body and soul. Tears continued to stream unchecked down Janice's cheeks, but Beth's eyes were dry.

"I'm so sorry we couldn't get to you in time," Janice whispered. The words sounded empty, meaningless, at this point, but she had to say them anyway. "God, I am so very sorry."

Beth looked up at her and gently wiped a tear away with her thumb. "Janice...sometimes I wish you hadn't come. Sometimes I wish he had just killed me."

Something like a howl clawed its way out of Janice's throat, and she desperately tried to swallow it back before she woke up Amanda and Tracy. "Beth...god..." She couldn't seem to get anything else out and just sobbed as quietly as she could. She felt Beth's arms around her, stroking back her hair, wiping her tears, soothing her, and she was disgusted with herself.

"I'm sorry," Beth said softly. "I shouldn't be saying these awful things. But you were right, I have to get them out. I can't stand it anymore."

Janice nodded, trying to get a hold of herself. "It's okay, Beth, it's okay. Just say whatever you need to say. I'll listen to anything...to all of it."

Beth paused. "All of it?"

Janice leaned back to look at her, dread once again blooming inside. "There's...more?" She could barely get the words out.

Beth nodded and bit her lip, looking away. "I don't know if I should-"

Janice took a deep breath and reached out to grip her upper arm. ""You can tell me."

Beth looked at her for a moment and then nodded again. "Do you remember when I took a few days off around the time Ben came back to work?"

"Yes, I remember," Janice replied uneasily. "You had the flu." Beth had taken a few days off not long after she had returned to work, and Janice and the others had been concerned that she had gotten sick because of all the stress. But she had come back the next week, and hadn't missed another day since they had gone on vacation.

"I didn't have the flu," Beth whispered.

Janice closed her eyes, putting two and two together. "You were pregnant?" The time line made sense.

"Yes, I was." Beth spoke very softly. "I had found out a couple of weeks prior and was trying to make a decision about what to do. I decided that I couldn't carry his child inside me and made arrangements for an abortion. But when the day arrived, I changed my mind. I couldn't go through with it. But nature took its course and decided for me. I had a miscarriage that very same day."

"Oh, Beth." Janice was aghast, pressing a hand to her mouth. "Did you tell anyone at all? Did Tracy know?"

Beth shook her head. "No one knew. I just couldn't talk about it. It was my own private pain, my private shame. I had to deal with it on my own."

Janice began crying again. "I'm so sorry you had to go through all that, especially all by yourself. I wish you had come to me, Beth. I understand that you felt you needed to push me and everyone else away, but it kills me knowing you went through all this on your own."

"I'm sorry," Beth murmured. "There were so many times I wanted to talk to you, but I just couldn't. Everything has just been so dark, so black. I didn't want to drag you down with me. You had already done so much for me."

"Don't apologize," Janice sniffed, wiping a hand across her eyes. "You don't owe anyone an apology, least of all me. I can't believe I didn't realize what had happened. I should have seen it."

"Janice, don't do that," Beth said softly, taking her hand. "I'm very good at hiding things. I've had a lot of practice over the years. It was awful for me when everything started coming out about Ray, when it was all out in the open, when everyone knew everything. It was splashed all over the TV and the internet. I couldn't risk the rape and pregnancy being made public as well. You know how private I am."

"But you couldn't even tell me?" Janice couldn't help it and began sobbing, unable to get control of herself. She was so overwhelmed by all of this new information and that Beth had been so alone through it all.

Beth, who had been so composed while relating all the details of the trauma she had been through, finally broke down. She began to weep as well, and Janice pulled her back into her arms, crushing her against her chest, skin to skin, terrified at how close she had come to losing the person she loved most in the world, how close she still was to losing her. Beth was hanging on by a thread and Janice was determined to save her this time.

"I love you and we're going to get through this, I promise." Janice pressed a kiss into Beth's still-damp hair, holding her close while she cried.

Eventually Beth worse herself out and fell into a fitful sleep. Janice continued to hold her for awhile, until she was sure she wouldn't wake up, and although she was loathe to leave her, slipped out of bed and dressed quickly. She crept out into the hallway, feeling like she would burst if she didn't get out of the cottage. The doors to Amanda and Tracy's bedrooms were closed and there was no sound, much to her relief. The last thing she or Beth needed right now were questions being asked. Janice was sure they would find out eventually, but not tonight.

She let herself out the back door onto the deck. The night was muggy and a haze covered up most of the stars. She stumbled down to the dock, where a light fog floated over the lake. She sat down on the dock, letting her legs swing down, and covered her face with her hands before bursting into tears yet again. It was too much, all the revelations of the night. The emotions were too much to handle, and came bursting out of her in great gut wrenching sobs. She felt absolutely gutted.

She lost track of how long she stayed out there, weeping in anguish for the woman she loved, but by the time she trudged back up to the cottage, the sky was turning pink with the coming dawn.

xxx

 _*Song lyrics are from Union J's "Carry You"_


	8. Chapter 8

" _I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing_

 _With a broken heart that's still beating_

 _In the pain there is healing_

 _In your name I find meaning_

 _So I'm holding on, I'm holding on, I'm holding on,_

 _I'm barely holding onto to you."_

xxx

Beth woke slowly, feeling exhausted, her eyes gritty from crying and lack of sleep. She remembered she had fallen asleep in Janice's bed, and rolled over to look for her, but the other half of the bed was empty. She sighed and stretched, leaning over the bed to pull on one of Janice's sweatshirts. The other woman was several inches taller than her, so the shirt fell to mid thigh, and she didn't bother with pants. She squinted against the hazy sunshine streaming in through the bedroom window, wondering why Janice always seemed to forget to close her blinds.

Beth padded into the hallway, noticing that all the other bedrooms were vacant, and so was the great room, upon peering over the upstairs railing. The kitchen was also empty, although there were dishes stacked up by the sink and she could smell the remnants of coffee and cooking in the air. She noticed a note on the counter that was addressed to Amanda and Tracy, and she leaned over to read it. Janice had written it, explaining that she and Beth had been sick during the night and might be coming down with the flu, so to go sailing without them.

Beth suddenly remembered that they were supposed to go sailing with the next door neighbours today, and was so grateful that Janice had gotten them out of it. She couldn't imagine having to make nice with people she'd never met, after the night she had just had. Although she felt wrung out and depleted from the revelations to Janice the night before, there was also a certain lightness there, that she hadn't felt for months. A relief that she no longer had to carry this burden alone. But one person at a time was all she could handle knowing at the moment. She knew she would tell Tracy eventually, and probably Amanda as well, but for now she was glad that she didn't have to see them until later in the day. She didn't want it to be obvious that something major had taken place during the night. She just wanted to be with Janice.

As she thought of her strawberry blonde co-worker, she looked around, frowning, wondering where she was. Her gaze caught sight of Janice's ponytail through the kitchen window, and she made her way onto the porch to find the other woman sitting in the swing, one leg tucked up underneath her, rocking back and forth gently. Giant sunglasses covered Janice's eyes, so she couldn't get a read on her expression, but her shoulders were slumped, her hair was coming loose from her ponytail, and her pale skin looked blotchy.

Beth's heart ached and she took a hesitant step toward her. "Hey."

Janice looked up, like she was coming out of a trance, and gave her a small smile. She pulled off her sunglasses, revealing bloodshot eyes that likely matched Beth's own. "Hey, sleepyhead. I wasn't sure how long you were going to stay in bed for. It's almost noon. How did you sleep?"

Beth smiled tentatively back and shrugged. "I slept off and on. What about you?"

"Same here," Janice replied, patting the seat next to her. "Come sit down."

Beth sat beside her, suddenly feeling awkward, and pulled her knees up to chest, looking away.

"Hey," Janice said softly, touching her arm lightly. "How are you doing today?"

Beth shrugged again. "I don't know. Feeling a lot of mixed emotions, I guess. What about you?"

"Me too," Janice replied. "I think I'm just trying to process everything."

Beth nodded, resting her head on her knees, and Janice reached out to stroke her matted hair. It had dried at crazy angles from her middle-of-the-night shower, and it hadn't occurred to her to pull a brush through it when she had gotten up. The old Beth would have done that first thing. The old Beth had always had impeccably styled hair and clothing. She barely even recognized herself anymore.

She stared at Janice, whose eyes were full of empathy and love, and honestly didn't understand why the other woman was still here with her, why she had stuck it out with her for this long, even when Beth did nothing but push her away. She was head over heels in love with Janice, but couldn't figure out why Janice felt the same about her. She wasn't worth it. She felt ugly and useless, like she didn't belong with any of them anymore, Janice and the girls, or Jack and Ben back in L.A. Everything she had created out of the ashes of Michelle Webber's life, when Beth Davis had taken over and made something for herself, had been stripped away from her. Beth, Michelle, she didn't know who she was. She just knew who she was not anymore; strong and independent and able to look past her fear.

"What are you thinking so hard about?" Janice asked softly. "You look like you drifted off there." She rubbed the back of Beth's neck comfortingly. "Did you have a flashback?"

"No," Beth muttered. "No flashbacks so far today. Sorry, I just keep getting lost in my head."

"It's okay," Janice replied. "I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. If you need to talk more about it, I'm here for you."

"I think I've talked about it enough for now," Beth said. She knew her revelations had been extremely hard on Janice and it had been heartbreaking to see her so distraught when she had finally told her everything. She knew Janice had sneaked out of the cottage when she thought Beth had fallen asleep. It had been a long time before she had returned, and Beth knew she had needed that time to herself to try to process everything. She had been extremely worried and had thought about going outside to find her, but had decided against it, respecting Janice's need to be alone for awhile.

It hurt to see the person she loved most in the world in so much pain because of the torment she had gone through. It was one of the many reasons why she had waited so long to tell anyone. It was so hard to get the words out and she suspected they were even harder to hear.

Her emotions were so back and forth right now, she felt like she was losing her mind. In a way she was relieved not to have to carry this burden by herself anymore, but now that Janice knew absolutely everything, she didn't know where to go from here. How did they even begin to build a relationship in the midst of all the horror that had occurred? Beth didn't think that Janice deserved to be with someone as damaged as she was, and sometimes her thoughts were so dark she struggled to make it through the day. How could a relationship survive that?

"Come on," Janice said suddenly, getting up from the swing and reaching out to tug her to her feet. "I think we're both drowning in dark thoughts here and we need to get out for awhile."

"Okay," Beth agreed softly. It was like Janice had read her mind.

They headed into the cottage to get cleaned up and have something to eat. They didn't really have a specific plan in mind, so they started walking into town, deciding against taking any of the vehicles. It was hot out, easily the warmest day of the trip so far, and by the time they made it into town they were sweaty and tired and sought out the nearest patio for some cold, refreshing drinks.

Beth felt like she could handle the day a little better after she had Janice were both pleasantly buzzed on pina coladas and had some more food in their system. They strolled around the shops for awhile, browsing through clothes and books and anything else they came across, keeping the conversation light. By the time they made it back to the cottage, hours had passed and they were both exhausted. They decided to change into their bathing suits and head down to the beach for a swim, and to await the return of Amanda and Tracy from their sailing trip.

Beth felt a little bad about lying to get out of the trip, but figured they could easily sell the flu angle, seeing as both she and Janice were looking a little worse for wear that day. They could tell them it was just a 24-hour bug and they were starting to feel better after resting for the day. Alcohol and shopping definitely didn't qualify as "resting" but their friends didn't need to know what they had done while they were gone. It had been vital to leave the cottage for awhile after the heavy-handed night they had just shared.

After they were cooled down from a refreshing swim, they lay on their towels on the dock, eyes closed against the bright hazy sunshine beating down on them.

Beth reached out to run her hand along Janice's arm, which was tinged with redness from the sun. "You know, in all the time we've spent together, you've never really told me much about your life. Everything always seems to be about me. It's weird that I don't even know that much about you."

Janice turned to look at her, her lips quirked into a smile. "Well, what do you want to know?"

"Everything," Beth answered. They had shared bits and pieces of their lives with each other when Janice had stayed with her before the abduction. Occasionally the other woman made comments here and there about something from her past, but Beth still didn't know a lot about the woman she loved. Janice had had a whole life before she had come to work under her at the TAU almost five years prior. She did know that Janice either didn't have a lot of family, or if she did, she wasn't close to them. She knew Janice loved getting together with the team outside of work, and with Tracy as well, but didn't seem to have anyone she was close to, beyond that. In a way, she seemed just as much of a loner as Beth herself was.

Janice laughed. "Everything? Well, that could take some time. I'm a complicated woman with a lot of layers."

Beth chuckled. "I know you are. I just don't want everything revolving around me all the time. I know last night was really bad, and I'm glad we took a break from all that today. It's been nice. I want to talk about you for a change."

Janice squeezed her hand for a moment and then reached up to shade her eyes from the hot sun. "Well, you know I'm an Orange County native."

Beth nodded.

"My parents were really young when I was born, barely out of their teens. I was their only child. They were high school sweethearts and got married during their senior year, before they even graduated. Their marriage was a contentious one and they divorced when I was three years old. My dad moved across the country to New York and I only saw him very sporadically growing up. He would visit me once in awhile but the visits were always short and awkward, and it was always him coming here; I never went there. He eventually remarried but they never had kids. I guess he decided he wasn't cut out to be a father. He and his wife were killed in a car accident right before I graduated college."

Beth reached out to take her hand. "I'm so sorry, Janice."

The taller woman shrugged. "To be honest, it wasn't that big a deal for me. I know it sounds cold, but by that point I hadn't even seen him for several years. Life wasn't all that different afterwards."

Beth's thumb stroked her hand as Janice continued to talk.

"My mom dated for a long time after the divorce. She was a bit of an absent parent herself, always more interested in finding the next man than taking care of her daughter. She was just so young herself when I was still little, and she seemed to have trouble growing up and being the parent in the relationship. I learned to depend on myself for a lot of things. We never lacked for money because my mom's parents were rolling in it, and basically gave her whatever she wanted so she could do the bare minimum. I was pretty starved for attention and affection growing up, though. My mom got remarried when I was ten, to my step-dad Brian. He was an okay guy but wasn't overly interested in being a father. Well, not to me, anyway. He was a great dad to my half-brothers. They had two kids, one right after the other, almost right away. David was born when I was eleven and Robert was born when I was twelve. They were joined at the hip growing up, but there was just too big of an age difference between us and we were never close. And my mom seemed to think this was her second chance to be a good mother, so she doted on them, spoiling them constantly. I was just getting into my rebellious teenage years at that point and was angry about not being included in all the family togetherness. I was angry all the time, it seemed. I fell into a bad crowd at school and started doing all the usual stuff, smoking and drinking and dabbling in drugs a little." Janice glanced over at her and Beth noticed that the blush on her face was more than a sunburn. "I slept around a lot, I'll admit it. Mostly with guys, but there were a few girls here and there. I just felt so alone, so abandoned, and I needed to seek comfort and acceptance wherever I could."

She stopped talking, staring out at the water, and Beth moved closer to her on the dock, twining their arms together. "That's perfectly understandable, Janice. I'm sorry you were so alone growing up."

Janice glanced over at her and shrugged. "I got over it, though. A guidance counselor at my high school set me on the right path and when I left the state to go to college, I left those toxic relationships behind, and I ended up buckling down very hard and flourishing. One of my majors was psychology because I wanted to understand how other people worked, how someone could choose to love one child but not another. It wasn't easy, though. I did a lot of stupid things because I felt so abandoned and needy for love and affection." She hesitated. "I still do stupid things now, actually. There's a part of me that feels like everyone is going to leave me."

Beth's eyes welled with tears and she was glad she was wearing her giant sunglasses. She had done enough crying in front of the other woman to last a lifetime. She knew she had hurt Janice deeply by pulling away so completely after the ordeal with Ray, but it seemed she didn't know quite how bad it had actually been.

Janice was still talking, absently drawing circles on Beth's leg with her fingers, as she continued to stare out at the water. "My family is scattered across the country now. David is married with two kids and lives in Connecticut. Robert is gay and he and his partner live in Texas. They adopted their first child a couple of years ago. My mom died of cancer right before I joined the TAU. It was long and drawn out, lung cancer, from years of smoking. We were able to reconnect and make amends before she passed away. It was an awful time in my life, but also good too, in some ways. I just couldn't connect with the others, though. Too much time gone, too little in common, I guess. No one really seemed to want to make the effort, especially after Mom was gone. Brian still lives here and I see him for holidays sometimes, but other than that, we don't really have much to do with each other. I think he has a steady girlfriend now. I'm a lot like you, Beth, married to the work. I just don't have a lot of time for other people, not many friends. I know I act like the tough girl all the time, ready to kick ass and stand up for everyone, but it's hard for me to get close to people as well. I feel like they're just going to leave, like I'm not good enough. I wasn't good enough for my family, so why would I be good enough for anyone else? I think we're kindred spirits, you and I. We both lost our families, but in different ways."

Beth scooted behind Janice on the dock, putting her arms around her and pulling her tight against her chest. The taller woman's ponytail was still wet from the water and the damp strands tickled her nose. She ached for the other woman, understanding her feelings of abandonment all too well, although her family was not gone by choice. And she understood better than anyone the fear of getting too close, of opening up to someone and letting them in.

Janice linked their fingers together and squeezed gently. "Things changed when I joined the TAU, though. There was a camaraderie there, a togetherness. Even though you've always held yourself at a distance, Beth, I liked you from the start, I respected you so much. I saw some of myself in you. I knew there was a reason why you were distant but it didn't make me like you less. I was curious but I didn't want to pry. Well, not until things started getting out of control, that is. And then when Ben joined a couple of years after me, and Jack a couple of years after that, it was like we had our own little family. We relied on each other to protect each other's lives and that's a bond that's pretty hard to shake." She turned around in Beth's embrace to look at her. "Even when you try to leave the family, we're never too far away."

Beth smiled at her and her heart swelled with emotion for the people in her life who were always there, who refused to give up, even when the chips were down and it didn't look like things would ever be okay again. "I know you are. I'm so lucky to have you and Tracy and Amanda. And Jack and Ben. I don't know what I would do without you. And I've always known you were all here for me, even when I couldn't deal with anyone, even when I needed to pull away for so long. I might never understand it completely, the loyalty you all have, but I appreciate it, and the feeling is mutual."

Janice turned around completely and reached out to grab her arms. "We're loyal because we all love you, Beth. You are strong and amazing and capable and you've been through hell and you're still here kicking. We will always be loyal to you, even when the going is tough. And it's been tough for a long time now, but it won't always be this way, I know it."

Beth smiled again, but this time it was shaky. "Well, I'm glad you're so confident about that. I'm not so sure sometimes." She squinted at the taller woman, the hot sun beating down on them. "It's kind of strange that you know everything now, Janice. In some ways it's a relief, but in other ways I feel...exposed. Like all my secrets are out there."

Janice pulled Beth against her, smoothing her hand down her back. "It's just me who knows and no one will ever find out about any of it, not unless you're the one who tells them. You're in control here, Beth. But I'm glad you got it all out. You needed too. I can't imagine what it was like to hold all that in for so long."

Beth leaned into her, closing her eyes. "I'll probably want to talk about it some more, but not now. Tracy and Amanda will probably be back soon. And the conversation seems to have turned to me again when we were talking about you. I'm sorry, Janice. Thank you for telling me about your family. We've both had a rough time of it."

"I guess we all have our stories to tell don't we?" Janice said softly. "Thank you for listening."

Something that Janice had mentioned earlier had stuck with Beth, and she was curious. "When you said you were still doing stupid things now, what did you mean by that? What stupid things?"

The hand that had been rubbing Beth's back stilled, and Beth had a sudden sinking feeling, knowing she had hit a nerve. "Sorry," she murmured. "We don't have to talk about it."

Before Janice could respond, a large sailboat floated lazily around the bend in the lake, appearing out from behind the trees, and traveling past the dock they were sitting on. Two blonde haired women and several others were waving at them.

"Ahoy, mateys!" Tracy called out, her hair whipping in the wind.

"Hey, guys!" Amanda yelled. "See you in a bit!"

Beth and Janice waved back and began gathering up their towels and other paraphernalia that they had brought down with them to the beach. Janice seemed very relieved that their conversation had been interrupted, and they didn't speak much on the walk up the hill to the cottage. They changed out of their bathing suits and by the time they got back downstairs, Tracy and Amanda had returned, looking very tanned and a bit burnt, and full of stories from their day out on the lake. After being questioned about the state of their health, Janice assured them that she and Beth were both on the mend, that the flu was already leaving their systems and they were feeling much better.

Beth noticed Tracy eyeing her from time to time, and she guessed that she wasn't buying their flu excuse, but probably thought they had lied so they could have some alone time for the day. Neither Amanda or Tracy gave any indication that they had overhead any of the conversation or tears from the night before, and Beth was extremely relieved. She was still getting used to the idea of Janice knowing everything that had happened during and after her time with Ray, and she didn't think she could handle another conversation this soon, especially with her best friend, whom she knew would take it very hard.

They set about making a very light supper, since it was so hot out, and Beth and Janice were supposedly recovering from stomach issues. They made giant salads filled with all kinds of veggies and fruit and nuts and carried their bowls outside to eat on the deck. There was some griping here and there about how hot it had gotten over the past day, and Janice rolled her eyes, reminding them that they lived in California. Tracy teasingly pointed out that Beth and Janice looked as tanned and overheated as she and Amanda did, even though they had been recovering from the flu all day and not out on the lake with the rest of them. Beth shot Tracy a look that immediately shut her up, and the conversation turned to another topic.

The humidity was actually worse by the time they were done their meal, so there would definitely be no time spent in the hot tub that night. They decided to head back down to the beach to make sure they would be nice and cool before bed. They ended up spending a few hours in the water, alternately splashing each other and racing on the jet skis and then floating lazily around on a giant rubber raft that Amanda had dragged out of the shed and pumped air into. When the sun began to set, they all sat side by side on the dock, their legs dangling into the water, watching the glowing red orb sink slowly down behind the clouds. Streaks of pink and purple and orange blazed across the sky and there was complete silence for several minutes as everyone took in the beauty of the environment and just appreciated such a simple, quiet, peaceful night.

Beth looked over at each of the women lining the dock and her heart swelled with gratitude, feeling so lucky to have these people in her life. Her mind seemed to be in a constant war with itself, feeling so appreciative for having people who loved her, and then feeling horrified, disgusted, not good enough for these people. No matter how much love was shown, a part of her still couldn't understand why they wanted her. Especially Janice, who she now knew to be more damaged from her past than she had originally thought, but who was so gorgeous, charming, and smart, she could have anyone she wanted, man or woman. She could have someone who definitely had a future, because Beth seemed to waver back and forth on that constantly. The need to push forward and find her way out of this black hole of despair she had been sucked into, and the need for it to be just over and done with and not have to try anymore, were quite equal in her mind. It still stunned her that Janice wanted her so badly, and she knew she had never wanted to be with someone as much as she wanted to be with Janice. Everything was just better when she was there, even when things were at their worst. There was just something about her, there had always been something about her.

Beth had known from the moment the tall, confident, strawberry blonde woman with the sassy smile and the snarky comments had sat down across from her at the interview table all those years before that they were going to be working together for a very long time and that Janice would be one of the best. She was now second-in-command, under Beth, and she had no doubt that Janice was going places in her career. She was confident, driven, and experienced, and was still able to surprise her after all this time with her quick wit and intelligence when it came to cracking a case or taking down a suspect. There was always a sarcastic comment, a funny aside, when things got too intense, even during the biggest of their cases. She knew Janice had wanted a friendship over the past few years but was keeping her distance due to professional courtesy, and it had honestly been hard to say no on some occasions, when the group was going out for dinner and drinks. Janice had always been the hardest one to say no to.

Beth studied the other woman out of the corner of her eye, wondering if her feelings had been there all along, deep down, only to be brought to the surface by the trauma of being stalked for the second time in her life. Her issues had brought the team even closer together, this time with she herself actually involved in the things they did, and it had brought Tracy a whole new group of friends and had turned Amanda from an acquaintance into a very good friend. If she thought of it from that viewpoint, some good things had come out of all the bad. If she could just keep thinking along those lines and try to resist getting sucked back down into the darkness, maybe she would be okay after all.

But it was so hard to keep good thoughts in her head, especially when certain men wanted to dominate them. Her nightmares and flashbacks were mostly about Ray, but she occasionally relived waking up next to a dead Perry in the trunk of the car Ray had abducted her in. Those lifeless eyes, boring into hers, the battered young face covered in blood, sometimes dominated her thoughts. But then they would inevitably shift back to Ray, and the terror and humiliation that had occurred during her stay in the cabin.

Janice looked over at her and smiled, the vivid colours of the sunset dancing in her dark eyes. She always seemed to know when Beth was going down a bad road with her dark thoughts, and needed a little break from it. Beth smiled back and mouthed "I love you" and Janice's grin was suddenly so wide it showed all her teeth, and she mouthed "I love you" back. Beth fought the sudden urge to laugh, as she always did when Janice looked so giddy and joyful. It was just so sweet, so unlike her to look so young and innocent like that, like she hadn't seen the things she'd seen or been through what she had been through. It was just pure bright light and it made Beth feel giddy and joyful herself.

"Hmmm, you two recovering sickies are looking pretty smug and happy over there. I don't remember looking that good after having the flu," Tracy remarked, and then grunted, as Amanda elbowed her in the side.

"You just mind your business, Tracy," Janice replied lightly, and there was a twinkle in her eye.

Beth caught Tracy's gaze for a moment, smiling softly at each other, and Beth knew her best friend was very happy for her. Tracy winked at her, and they all settled back again to watch the sky deepen to black, the moon and the stars struggling to pop out through the haze.

xxx

 _*Song lyrics are from Lifehouse's "Broken"_


	9. Chapter 9

" _Hello darkness, my old friend_

 _I've come to talk with you again_

 _Because a vision softly creeping_

 _Left its seeds while I was sleeping_

 _And the vision that was planted in my brain_

 _Still remains_

 _Within the sound of silence."_

xxx

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Janice lay staring up at the dark ceiling. She had drifted off for a little while, but now she was wide awake, unable to sleep, images of Beth and Molly swirling from her dreams into her waking thoughts. Beth was curled up beside her under the covers, her breathing deep and even, and Janice was so glad that the smaller woman seemed at ease while she slept. Beth had been subdued but content when they had gone upstairs for the night, although she had hesitated briefly at Janice's bedroom door, before being assured that she was welcome to spend the night there. Janice had felt immediate and intense guilt for turning her away the night before, and vowed not to do that again, at least not for the foreseeable future, even if she felt like she needed time to herself. She was relieved that Beth had finally shared what had happened to her several months before, but was furious with herself for how it had come about, with the other woman experiencing horrible nightmares and ending up in a freezing cold shower stall, and going through it all alone until Janice had woken up and realized what was going on.

They had kept their conversation brief and light before Beth had drifted off to sleep, leaving Janice to lay there and stew about the situation she was in with Molly, and to try to keep her thoughts away from what Beth had endured during her abduction. Her brain was racing and wouldn't slow down long enough to welcome the sweet oblivion of sleep.

The conversation she had had with Beth about her own past, while out on the dock earlier, had just reinforced the feelings of guilt and shame about whatever it was she had with Molly; she might have been reluctant to refer to it as a relationship, but it was definitely something. Molly had continued to text her frequently and had even called a couple of times, but Janice had either kept her phone on silent or turned off.

She just couldn't deal with the other woman right now, not when Beth had finally opened up to her after all this time, and needed her so badly. And frankly, nothing else seemed to matter nearly as much, not when Beth was going through this hell, and now that Janice knew just what kind of hell it was. The love she had for her boss had only grown stronger after finding out all she had been through, and despite her overwhelming worry about Beth's condition, she was stunned that the smaller woman was even doing as well as she was, now that she was privy to everything she had gone through.

And even though she had been trying her hardest to understand why Beth hadn't told anyone what had happened, and she did understand to a degree, she couldn't help the feelings of hurt that wouldn't seem to go away, when she thought about Beth not telling her for so long, not trusting her with her biggest secrets. It killed her to think of how much Beth had gone through all alone, without Janice there to help her, to protect her.

So many emotions were swirling inside her, she felt like she was choking and needed some air. One glance out the window showed a fog so thick she could barely make out any of the trees, so outside was not an option. She crept down the stairs and sat on the couch in the great room, her eyes fixed on the giant windows, staring out at a world of white mist.

It occurred to her that she had been spending an awful lot of nights on this couch since coming to the cottage, and she sighed, covering her face with her hands, just wishing she could sleep. She slumped back against the cushions, vowing not to stay down there for long, just in case Beth had a nightmare and needed her. She just had to get her racing thoughts under control first.

"Hey," a soft voice said, and Janice jumped about a foot in the air, before whirling around to see Amanda standing there with her hands out in front of her, looking apologetic.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," the blonde woman whispered, laying a hand on her shoulder and pushing her gently back down onto the couch. "I was having trouble sleeping and I heard someone come downstairs, so I wanted to make sure everything was okay. I guess I'm not the only one who can't sleep tonight?"

Janice moved over on the couch and Amanda sat down beside her, draping the afghan over both of their laps. "No, I haven't been able to sleep much yet," she said, smothering a yawn with her hand. "How come you can't sleep?"

"I think I got too much sun today," Amanda replied. "My shoulders are burnt pretty badly and my head hurts quite a bit. My stomach is also pretty queasy." She glanced over at Janice. "Or maybe I'm just catching the flu you and Beth had."

Janice resisted the urge to roll her eyes at the older woman's wry tone. "Okay, I get it. Beth and I have tried to fool you and Tracy a few times since this trip started, and we obviously can't get anything past you."

"You didn't have to lie," Amanda said gently. "I understand you and Beth wanting to spend time alone, especially with all that's been going on. It wouldn't have hurt my feelings if you had just said you didn't want to come sailing."

"It wasn't like that," Janice mumbled, looking away. "It wasn't that we didn't want to come, it was that we couldn't. I can't go into detail, but something happened during the night, and we just needed to have a quiet day to ourselves."

Amanda laid a hand on her arm and gave it a squeeze. "Is Beth okay? I know she's been having a really rough time, and it's been more obvious since we've been spending so much time together on this trip."

"No, she's not okay." Janice's throat felt tight and she swallowed. "But she will be."

"Look Janice, I don't know exactly what's been going on, but I know it's related to Beth's abduction. Tracy has expressed her worry to me several times since we've gotten here. She wants to protect Beth's privacy, but she's very concerned, and from what I've seen, she has a right to be. And I'm pretty sure I've only seen the tip of the iceberg. Beth has definitely not been the same since she was taken by Ray. I'm concerned as well; not only for her, but for you too." Amanda slipped her hand into Janice's. I know how much you love and care for her, and it has to be a huge weight on your shoulders."

Tears sprang to Janice's eyes and she quickly blinked them away. She had cried more times in the past several days than she had in the past several months. Falling apart now wasn't going to do Beth any good. She could feel a complete and total breakdown coming on, but it was best done in the safety and silence of her own apartment, and not in front of her friends, especially Amanda, who had been gracious enough to let them stay at this spectacular place for the week. There had certainly been enough drama on this vacation already.

Amanda squeezed her hand and then wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. It was all Janice could do to hold it together, and while it felt good for someone to take care of her for a change, she almost wished the other woman would go back upstairs, because she felt like she was going to break. She wasn't sure how much sympathy she could take right now. Part of her just wanted to throw herself into Amanda's arms and let go.

"I know there are things you're not able to discuss," Amanda said softly into her ear. "But if you ever want to talk, without violating Beth's privacy, of course, I'm here. I think people tend to forget about the caregivers in these kinds of cases. Sometimes they need just as much help as the people they're caring for."

"I don't deserve any help, trust me on that one," Janice said, and despite her best efforts to the contrary, she dissolved into tears. ""I've let Beth down in so many ways."

"Oh, honey." Amanda took Janice into her arms, rocking her back and forth, and Janice clung to her, surprised at how needy and vulnerable she felt. "You haven't let her down. You've been there for her since this whole thing started, even when she pushed you away. You've never given up."

"No, you don't understand," Janice sobbed into her shoulder. "I'm a horrible person. I've done things I shouldn't have. And Jack and I...we didn't save her."

"You're not a horrible person," Amanda soothed, stroking her hand over Janice's rumpled hair. "And you and Jack were the ones who found her. You never gave up and you brought her home safe."

"No, no." Janice was choking on her words, and she realized she needed to stop talking. Beth had trusted her with her secrets, and Janice had promised that she would never tell another soul. It was Beth's story to tell.

She tried to amend what she had said before Amanda realized what she was talking about. "Yes, we did bring her home, but she's not safe. The nightmares, the PTSD, the anxiety, they're brutal, they're almost constant. It's hell watching her go through it, and I'm only watching from the outside. I can't imagine actually being the one to suffer through it day in and day out."

"She needs help, Janice; we all know this and we've known it for a long time." Amanda's voice was soft, and she continued to stroke her fingers through Janice's hair, the motion calming her somewhat. "But she needs to be the one to initiate it. No one can force her to help herself if she's not ready. She has to hit rock bottom."

Janice didn't mention that Beth had already agreed to get help once they got back to Los Angeles; she wasn't entirely sure she believed her, but either way, it wasn't her place to talk about it with anyone else. She also didn't say what she was thinking: that Beth had either already hit rock bottom or was nearly there. If this wasn't the bottom, Janice wasn't sure she wanted to know what was. She felt like Beth was dangling over the edge of a precipice, and she was hanging right there with her. If Beth went over, so did she.

"I know how hard this must be for you," Amanda continued. "But you're doing everything you can for her. She's lucky to have you. I think you're good for each other and that you're right; Beth might not be okay right now but she will be. She's not alone in this, and neither are you. You have me and Jack and Tracy and Ben. We'll always be here for the both of you."

Janice leaned back and gave her a watery smile. "Thank you, Amanda." She stayed tucked up in the other woman's arms for a few more minutes, not wanting to pull away, relishing being comforted. But the longer she stayed down in the great room, the more it bothered her that she had already spent too much time away from Beth. The smaller woman had already spent all these months alone with her pain and her demons, and Janice had a hard time being apart from her now.

"Hey, guys, is everything okay?" They looked up to see Tracy leaning over the railing from the second floor, her long blonde hair hanging down like a tangled curtain. Before they could respond, she came down the stairs and sat gingerly on the couch beside them. "I burnt the hell out of my back today. It's hard to get into a comfortable position to sleep."

"Yeah, I'm burnt too," Amanda replied. "We can't sleep either."

Tracy turned to look at Janice, who had pulled away from Amanda and quickly wiped her eyes, as soon as she'd heard the other woman's voice. She didn't want Tracy to know anything was wrong. "How come you're up, Janice? Is Beth alright?"

"Yeah, she's fine," Janice said with a reassuring smile. "Sleeping like a baby. I'm just having some insomnia."

Tracy sighed and ducked under the afghan. "Well, maybe we can put on a movie. Something really boring that will lull us to sleep."

Janice chuckled and stood up from the couch. "Actually, I think I'm going to head back to bed. I'm feeling a little more tired now. Take care of those burns, you two. I'll see you in the morning." She shot Amanda a quick smile, mouthing "thank you" when Tracy turned away for a moment, and then headed back upstairs, leaving them to chat quietly in the great room.

When Janice got back to her room, Beth was moving restlessly under the covers, mumbling something under her breath. She hurried back to the bed, cursing herself for leaving the other woman alone, even just for a little while.

"Get away from me," Beth snapped, when Janice climbed under the blankets and reached toward her.

"Okay, sorry." Janice was a little taken aback and moved away from her, giving her space. "Everything is fine, Beth. It's just me here. We're at the cottage, remember?"

Beth was silent for a moment, staring at her in confusion, and then she shook her head and sighed. "Yeah, I know where we are. Sorry, Janice. I was just dreaming."

"It's okay." Janice was relieved that Beth had come out of it so quickly; this was probably the most tame a nightmare she had ever had. She still kept her distance, though, staying on the other side of the bed.

"Did you just come back in here?" Beth asked, rubbing her eyes tiredly. "I thought I heard the door open and close."

"Yeah, I was just downstairs for a bit," Janice said, a little sheepishly. "I'm having some trouble settling down tonight. Can't sleep." She wanted to downplay how she was feeling, not wanting her turbulent thoughts to be obvious to Beth, who already had enough to deal with.

Beth regarded her in silence and then sighed again. "I shouldn't have told you."

"What?" Janice frowned in confusion. "About what happened with Ray? Beth, you needed to tell someone! I'm glad you did!"

"I know that's the reason you can't sleep," Beth said quietly. "Or at least part of it, anyway. I don't think I'm the only one here with secrets, Janice. I don't want you to be as tormented as I am about what happened."

Janice shifted closer to her in the bed, choosing to ignore the comment about having secrets. "But how can I not be, Beth?" she whispered. "Did you really think it wasn't going to bother me? That I'm just going to be okay with everything? You just told me last night. You need to give me some time to process it all, to try to come to terms with it."

She swallowed and looked away. She also needed time to try to come to terms with the immense guilt she had about she and Jack not getting there in time. She didn't think she would ever be able to get past it, though. And she knew it would kill Jack, if he ever found out about it. He'd always had a soft spot for Beth, and Janice suspected there had been a bit of a crush, before he had gotten back together with Amanda.

"Well, I at least should have waited until we were back in the city to tell you," Beth said. "I'm sorry I've ruined your vacation."

Janice blew out an exasperated breath. "Will you stop apologizing for that? You're not ruining anyone's vacation! I'll admit, it hasn't exactly been peaceful and serene the whole time, but so what? We all knew the issues you've been dealing with weren't going to magically disappear just because we went to Lake Tahoe for a week. We knew there might be some problems, but we wanted you here with us, Beth. And it hasn't been the worst trip ever, has it? We've had some great times and done some things we've never done before." She smiled gently at the smaller woman, who was regarding her with a very serious expression. "And we told each other we love each other. In my book, that makes it the best vacation ever."

The corner of Beth's lip turned up slightly. "Yeah, that part wasn't so bad."

Janice threw back her head and laughed, the tension suddenly breaking. "Not so bad? That was the best moment of my life, when you told me you loved me."

A smile spread across Beth's face, turning into a full fledged grin. "Yeah, it was the best moment of my life too."

A feeling of warmth spread through Janice and she felt tears pricking her eyes again, but this time for a different reason. She blinked them back and closed the distance between them, pulling Beth into her arms and hugging her tightly. Beth leaned up to kiss her cheek and then tucked her head under Janice's chin.

"God, I love you so much," Janice whispered fiercely, and she felt Beth squeezing her ribs.

"I love you too," the smaller woman said softly.

They held each other close for several minutes, and Janice could hear Amanda and Tracy trooping back up the stairs and saying goodnight to each other in the hallway.

"Wow, I guess no one is sleeping tonight," Beth murmured.

"They can't sleep because they got burnt pretty badly on the sailing trip," Janice replied. "I guess we're lucky we avoided that part of the vacation."

"Yeah, I guess so," Beth chuckled. "Well, hopefully we can all settle down now and try to get some rest. Only a couple of more days before we go home. We should try to make the most of the time we have left here."

"We definitely should. This trip has gone by so fast," Janice said. She laid back against the mound of pillows, bringing Beth down with her and holding her against her chest. "Goodnight, babe."

"Goodnight."

xxx

 _*Song lyrics are from Simon and Garfunkel's "The Sound of Silence"_


	10. Chapter 10

" _Just don't give up_

 _I'm working it out_

 _Please don't give in_

 _I won't let you down_

 _There might have been a time_

 _Where I would let you slip away_

 _I wouldn't even try but I think_

 _You could save my life."_

xxx

Beth awoke slowly the next morning, yawning and stretching. She opened her eyes and immediately slammed them shut again as they were assaulted by the harsh morning sunshine. Janice had forgotten to close curtains, as usual. She grumbled under her breath, rolling onto her side, and burying her head in the other woman's back. Janice mumbled something in her sleep, throwing an arm over her face.

"Ugh, how come you never close your blinds?" Beth groaned, poking her ribs gently.

Janice was silent, her breathing deep and even.

Beth cracked open her eyes again, squinting at the offensive light, and fixed her gaze on the taller woman's shoulder, watching it rise and fall with each breath. She reached out to run her hand softly down the back of Janice's sleep shirt, surprised she was wearing anything. She traced her fingers up and down her spine, actually finding herself missing the other woman, even though she was right beside her. She wanted to Janice to wake up and talk to her. Or wake up and do other things.

She had been dreaming again, right before she had awakened, but this time they were good dreams, with no trace of Ray or Perry, just the beautiful woman sleeping beside her. She found herself looking forward to going back to the city, so she and Janice could spend some time alone, without the chance of being interrupted by their friends. Not that she hadn't enjoyed spending the last several days with Tracy and Amanda, but she really needed some time with just Janice, especially considering everything that had changed since arriving in Lake Tahoe. Less than a week at the cottage, and so much had happened between them already, much more than in the past several months combined. Even though there had been some terrible times there as well, Beth would always be grateful to her friends for including her in their trip. It had been just the push she needed to allow Janice back into her life again, on a personal level.

Her heart ached when she thought of all the time lost between them, when she hadn't been able to stop pushing her away. When she had been pushing everyone away. She realized how much she had missed them all over the past while, the girls and Jack and Ben. Things were going to change when they got back to Los Angeles, of that she was certain. She was determined to try to go forward with her life, to claw herself out of this black hole, to be as proactive with getting help as Tracy had been. She was so sick of living with all this darkness inside her. She wanted a life, a happy life, with Janice.

Beth felt better this morning than she had for awhile, a glimmer of hope shining its way through the darkness. She knew it was because of the woman lying next to her, and she reached out again to touch her gently, finding it odd that she couldn't seem to keep her hands off of her, especially after spending so much time being repulsed by any touch at all. She figured that in itself was progress, and she smiled, running her hands through the strawberry blonde tresses tumbling over Janice's shoulders.

"Mmm, that feels nice," Janice murmured, her voice gravelly with sleep.

"Good morning," Beth whispered, leaning over and pressing a kiss to the side of her neck.

"Good morning," Janice replied, and Beth could hear the smile in her voice. "Anymore nightmares?"

"Nightmares, no. Dreams, yes. Good dreams." Beth kissed her neck again.

Janice rolled over to look at her, one eyebrow arched. "What kind of dreams?"

Beth smiled coyly. "I think you know."

Janice stared at her for a moment as if trying to gauge what her reaction would be, and then leaned over to kiss her. Beth deepened the kiss, wrapping her arms around the taller woman's neck, and pulling Janice down to lay on top of her.

"What's gotten into you this morning?" Janice asked with a giggle, her hands tangled in Beth's hair.

"Just realizing how lucky I am," Beth said softly, reaching up to stroke Janice's cheek. "And I'm just really-"

"Horny?" Janice supplied, and Beth laughed.

"Well, yes, that too."

Janice grinned at her and was leaning down to kiss her again, when there was a sudden knock on the door. ""Oh, you've gotta be kidding me," she muttered. "Let's take a guess at who's at the door, shall we? I'm gonna say her name begins with T."

"Hey, guys!"

"Ding, ding, ding," Janice said, as Tracy's voice floated into the room.

Beth snorted and pressed a hand to her mouth. "Yeah, her timing has been pretty stellar on this trip, hasn't it?"

Janice sighed and rolled off of Beth, laying beside her on the bed with her arms flung out dramatically. "What is it, Tracy?"

"Sorry, are you guys busy?"

"Apparently not," Janice replied, a hint of a snarl in her voice.

"What's up, Trace?" Beth asked, putting a hand on Janice's arm.

"Amanda wants to treat us to brunch at this diner in town. She says the food is fabulous." Tracy sounded slightly apologetic as she spoke.

"I'd tell them we're still sick, but they seem to see through all our excuses," Janice whispered.

Beth snickered. "Well, they're smart ladies, our friends. Sure, Tracy!" she called. "We'll be down shortly."

"Okay, great!" Tracy's voice was bubbling with enthusiasm. "See you downstairs."

They listened as Tracy's footsteps faded away, and then Janice groaned and pulled Beth against her, burying her head in her chest. "No, I wanna stay here."

"Aww, you're cute when you pout," Beth said with a smile, running her hands through Janice's hair again. "We'll be on the road back to Los Angeles in 48 hours, and then we have all the time in the world to be alone."

"Yeah, all the time in the world until Monday," Janice grumbled. "Then it's back to work. Hmm, maybe we should call in sick next week."

"That's not happening," Beth replied, giggling at the mock glare she received from the other woman.

"Oh yeah, I forgot my boss is a hard ass," Janice teased, and Beth dug her fingers into her ribs, making her shriek.

They wrestled in the bed for a minutes, tickling each other and laughing, and Beth figured Tracy and Amanda could hear them, but she didn't care. It was nice to be so carefree for once, just having a lazy morning with the love of her life, and not being plagued by nightmares and anxiety and PTSD. She figured her usual issues would make another appearance at some point soon, since she never seemed to be able to go too long without them, but for now she just wanted to enjoy herself.

When they met their friends downstairs a little while later, Beth was surprised and concerned at how burnt both Amanda and Tracy were. It was no wonder they had had trouble sleeping the night before. Janice expressed concern as well, but they were assured by both women that while they were certainly uncomfortable, they were okay to go out.

As soon as they walked out onto the porch, they were immediately swamped in heat. The humidity was the worst it had been since they had arrived in Lake Tahoe, and it wrapped around them like a heavy, wet blanket.

"Oh wow, this is a bit nasty," Amanda said as they all climbed into her SUV and she cranked the air conditioning. "I bet we're in for a monster storm if this continues. You should have seen the storm we got here last summer. We sat in the great room and watched it through those gigantic windows. I've never seen anything like it."

Beth felt the color drain from her face and she turned her head to look out the window at the haze hanging like curtains in the sky. The sun was out, but off in the distance there was a leaden darkness. She could feel her happy mood evaporating and a sense of foreboding take over. She tried to shake it off but couldn't help remembering the last time Los Angeles had had a big storm. It was the day before she had been taken by Ray, and Janice had been staying with her at her house. The storm had been a wild, wicked one, and she had completely shut down, experiencing one of the worst panic attacks she'd ever had.

She had been away at college and it had been storming there the night her family was killed, and ever since, she had had trouble when lightening flashed or thunder rumbled. But the anxiety had been exacerbated by everything that had been going on with Ray and Perry at the time. She'd never had a reaction that bad before, and Janice had been there to witness the entire thing. Although Beth had been humiliated by the way she had behaved, she was grateful the other woman had been there, as she had been the one to bring Beth through it. It only made her love Janice more when she thought of the way she had cared for her during that storm and the entire time she had stayed with her all those months ago.

Beth hoped they could make it through the rest of the trip without bad weather, as she didn't want to experience another meltdown in front of everyone. She considered possibly asking Tracy for an anti-anxiety pill when they got back to the cottage, just in case. She had been so opposed to drugs for her entire life, but things had been so bad lately, a pill here or there might not hurt.

She felt a hand slide into her hers, fingers linking, and she turned to look at Janice who was regarding her with a worried expression. She knew the other woman was remembering what had happened during the last storm, and she gave her what she hoped was a reassuring smile. Janice squeezed her fingers and smiled back, but Beth knew she was still concerned.

They had a delicious breakfast in town, and then stopped off for some groceries and other supplies to get them through the last couple of days of vacation. Tuning into a weather station on the way back, they listened as the announcer confirmed that a storm was indeed headed their way later that day and was likely to be bad throughout the night and into the next morning.

Beth had a sinking feeling as they pulled into the gravel driveway. She could see dark clouds gathering over the lake, although the sun was still stubbornly peeking out, at least for the time being.

When they got back inside, Amanda headed upstairs to her bedroom to give Jack and Ethan a call, and the rest of them went into the kitchen to clean up from dinner the previous night. Janice and Tracy were bantering back and forth, teasing each other about various things, and Beth listened with amusement, glad they were taking her mind off of the impending storm. The two of them had a cute relationship, bickering like sisters half the time, but genuinely caring about each other, and Beth was glad that they had grown closer after their less-than-ideal introduction in a junkyard several months before. She knew that Tracy was always be grateful to Janice, and Jack as well, for finding her that night.

By the time Amanda made it back downstairs, Janice and Tracy were chasing each other around the kitchen, whipping one another with dish towels, and Beth was sitting at the table, laughing and trying to stay out of their way.

"Oh brother, I can't leave you guys alone for five minutes," Amanda chastised, rolling her eyes and ducking out of the way of a playful swat from Tracy. "Unfortunately, I need to head back out to the store, as I forgot to pick up a few essential items for the next couple of days, namely wine."

"Well, get back out there then!" Janice ordered, and they all laughed.

"We seem to have polished off all the wine and beer pretty quickly," Amanda said, shaking her head and picking up her purse.

"Hey, drinking is the main component of a cottage vacation," Janice replied. "Or any vacation, really."

"Hear, hear," Tracy agreed. "I'll go with you, Amanda."

Beth and Janice decided to stay at the cottage and continue straightening up while the others headed back out. Beth noticed the taller woman eyeing her as they stacked DVDs and folded the afghan in the great room.

"You doing okay?" Janice asked gently.

"I'm alright," Beth replied, with more confidence than she felt.

"You know it's okay if you're not," Janice said, laying a hand on her shoulder.

Beth reached up to grasp her hand and give it a squeeze. "I know," she said softly. "Thanks." She remembered the conversation they had had when Janice had stayed with her, and she had told the other woman that she had felt like it was okay to not be okay around her, that she always felt safe with her there. Janice had proven time and time again that she would always be there, no matter how hard things got or how many times Beth wasn't okay.

She felt the same love and gratitude wash over her again, like it had that morning, and she reached up to kiss Janice softly on the lips. Janice responded immediately, apparently still revved up from their unfinished business earlier, and she wrapped her arms around Beth, deepening the kiss. It quickly escalated, becoming more passionate and frantic, and they ended up sprawled across the couch, the afghan they had been folding discarded on the floor.

"We don't know how long they're going to be gone for," Beth said breathlessly, as Janice kissed along her neck, her fingers creeping under her shirt. "Maybe we should go upstairs."

"No, I can't wait," Janice gasped, and Beth murmured her agreement, realizing she couldn't either.

They undressed each other quickly, tugging impatiently on clothing, until shirts and shorts and underwear were scattered across the couch and floor and they were skin to skin, arms around each other, hands in one another's hair, kissing like they would never stop. Janice was on top of Beth and she slid down her body, mouth on her breasts, fingers lightly pinching her nipples. Beth moaned loudly, her heart hammering in her chest, and she couldn't remember when she had wanted another person so desperately. She felt awkward, clumsy, like she was fumbling everything, so she just let Janice take over.

The taller woman seemed more than eager to do so, as she kissed her way down Beth's body, reaching the juncture between her legs. She looked up at Beth, her dark eyes so dilated they appeared black, her strawberry blonde hair tumbling around her shoulders, and softly asked if it was okay. Beth nodded, too breathless to speak, anticipation and desire making her tremble.

"Open your legs for me, baby," Janice whispered, and Beth almost came right there, she was so turned on by the other woman.

She spread her legs apart and Janice lay in between them, caressing her thighs for a moment, before lowering her head to the smaller woman's sex. Beth gasped as Janice's mouth came into contact with her center and she closed her eyes, curling her hands in Janice's hair. She felt a soft tongue sweeping across the length of her slit before lips closed around her clit and sucked hard.

"Oh god!" Beth moaned, her legs falling open even further, her hands grabbing Janice's hair a little harder than she intended to, Janice's arms wrapped around her thighs.

Her body seemed to have a mind of its own and she pushed her hips wantonly into Janice's face, the other woman grabbing her legs and throwing them over her shoulders. Beth dug her heels into Janice's back, and she couldn't seem to stop the wild, desperate sounds coming out of her mouth. Janice reached up, linking their fingers together, and Beth squeezed hard, the first orgasm speeding through her like a train, followed by another and another.

Janice kept her mouth on her, riding out wave after wave of pleasure with her, until Beth lay there panting, barely able to catch her breath, her legs quivering with the aftershocks, sweat beading on her forehead. Janice placed one last kiss against her, and then crawled back up the couch and took her into her arms, holding her trembling body gently as Beth came down from the high.

"Are you okay?" she asked softly.

"Fuck," Beth panted, and Janice choked out a stunned laugh.

"Wow, I don't think I've ever heard Lieutenant Beth Davis swear before. It's kinda hot."

Beth grinned and curled herself around Janice, pressing their bodies even closer together and casually swiped a thumb over one of her nipples. "You're hot," she replied, as the taller woman arched into her, her nipple stiffening into a hard peak.

"Jesus, Beth," she whimpered, as Beth ducked her head down to take the other nipple into her mouth, her tongue swirling lightly around it. She didn't exactly know what she was doing, as she was quite inexperienced when it came to having sex with women, but Janice was already moaning, so she figured she was doing something right.

Her fingers were just trailing down the other woman's body, her heart pounding with anticipation again, when a car door suddenly slammed outside.

"Oh, shit!" Janice exclaimed, as Beth yanked herself off her body and quickly got to her feet. "That was fast!"

They stumbled around the couch, trying to pick up their clothes and dress as quickly as possible, as they heard the voices of their friends out on the driveway.

"It's okay," Janice said breathlessly, a moment later. She had just yanked her shirt on and her hair was standing on end. "They're not coming in right now. It looks like they're going down to the dock."

They watched through the windows of the great room as Amanda and Tracy headed down the hill to the beach and began dragging the jet skis and canoe onto the shore. Beth realized they were likely getting everything out of the water in case it did indeed storm, and for the first time that day, she felt relief that bad weather might be headed their way. It gave them quite a bit of extra time to finish dressing and then rush upstairs, their arms around each other, giggling madly, to take separate showers. Beth waited in Janice's room, feeling giddy but depleted, the rush of having sex with Janice and then almost being discovered, causing her heart rate to stay high. She felt like a teenager sneaking around at her parents' house.

She sprawled back on the bed, closing her eyes, listening to the shower running in the bathroom. She could hear the backdoor open downstairs and Amanda and Tracy's voices, laughing about something, and then the clink of bottles in the kitchen. She smiled, glad they had become such good friends. Beth knew that Tracy and Amanda sometimes got together, just the two of them, and she was happy that her best friend had someone she could talk to when things got rough, as she herself had been so distant for the past several months.

The off-key sound of Janice singing in the shower floated down the hallway, and she grinned, feeling so content at the moment. She wondered if and when these mood swings were ever going to stop, but always appreciated the lighter moments, which were becoming more and more frequent lately, the more time she spent with Janice and her friends. She could hear the others chuckling down in the kitchen and she guessed they could hear the singing as well.

A buzzing sound interrupted her happy train of thought, and she rolled over on the bed, seeing Janice's phone light up on the nightstand. Her own phone had been shut off in her purse for the majority of the vacation, as she didn't want to be disturbed, but she checked in once in awhile to see if there were any updates from the TAU that she needed to know about. Other than a few texts from Jack and Ben, saying things were fine in Los Angeles but that they were all missed at the office, her phone had been quiet.

Janice's phone, on the other hand, buzzed four more times in quick succession, and Beth frowned, wondering if something was wrong. She got off the bed and headed into her own room to fish around in her purse for her phone. Turning it on, she waited a moment for it to boot up, but it remained silent, no text messages waiting for her. She was curious and went back into the other woman's room, sitting down on the bed and staring at the phone. It didn't go off again, though. She knew the code to unlock Janice's phone, as she had just happened to glance over her shoulder one day while she was keying it in, but she resisted the urge to snoop.

Janice came into the room a few minutes later, wrapped in a towel, her hair dripping down her back, and she smiled at Beth. "Your turn in the shower. Too bad Amanda and Tracy are back, or we could have gotten in together."

Beth didn't smile back, but gave her a concerned look instead. "Your phone went off quite a bit when you were in the bathroom. You might want to check your text messages. I thought something was wrong at the office, but there's nothing on my phone."

Janice was silent and Beth thought she looked a little pale, and watched as the taller woman turned away, grabbing her phone and tucking it into her suitcase. "I'm sure it's nothing," she muttered.

Beth raised her eyebrows. "You're not even going to check? What if something is wrong?"

"I'll check it later," Janice said with an offhand wave, and she began pulling a brush through her wet hair, dragging it through the knots hard enough to make Beth wince.

"Is everything okay?" she asked carefully.

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?" Janice's voice was flat, and Beth got up off the bed to gently take the brush out of her hand and set it down on the nightstand. The other woman was going to rip her hair to shreds the way she was going.

"Janice, you can tell me if something's wrong," she said softly. "God knows you've been there for me enough times on this trip. Let me be here for you."

"Everything is fine," Janice insisted, avoiding her gaze. "It's probably just a wrong number or something. That's been happening a lot lately."

Beth felt hurt, knowing the other woman was lying to her and not sure why. She decided it wasn't the time or the place to be getting into it, though, and decided to drop it, figuring Janice would come to her when she was ready to talk.

"Okay," she said, trying to keep the uncertainty out of her voice. "I'm going to go take a shower."

Janice gave her a distracted smile, and Beth could see her reaching back into her suitcase she headed out of the room.

xxx

 _*Song lyrics are from Adam Lambert's "What do You Want from Me"_


	11. Chapter 11

" _I've never kissed a sweeter mouth_

 _I've never been swept away_

 _It's what dreams are made up of_

 _Don't you know I could not survive_

 _Without you in my life_

 _I would die for you."_

xxx

Janice flopped back onto the bed in her wet towel, cursing herself. Not only had she left her phone on, but she had left it right there on the nightstand, where Beth could plainly see and hear it. She had looked at the texts, all of them from Molly, as soon as the smaller woman had left the room. Molly was getting more and more insistent that Janice communicate with her by more than a few sparsely worded texts here and there. She wanted her to call so they could "talk about their future" as one of the texts had read.

Janice got up off the bed and began drying off and getting dressed, frowning as her phone went off yet again. Molly's name flashed across the screen and she grabbed it, sending a quick message telling the other woman that they would talk once she was back in the city but now was not a good time. Molly immediately wrote back, asking if she was having a good time with Beth, and Janice sighed in frustration. It was becoming more and more apparent that she had gotten herself into quite the mess by not breaking things off with Molly before moving forward with Beth, and now the situation seemed to be spiraling out of control.

She ignored the message and shut her phone off, tucking it back into her suitcase. She was angry at herself for doing this; it wasn't fair to either Molly or Beth, and her heart clenched at the thought of Beth finding out about the other woman and feeling rejected and betrayed by Janice. Just when things were starting to get better between them, their relationship progressing by leaps and bounds over the course of the week, and it was about to get screwed up by Janice's lack of honesty.

Tears sprung to her eyes and she felt a deep shame wash over her. Beth had finally broken down and told what had happened with Ray at the cabin, and Janice couldn't even tell her about the odd back and forth relationship that she had been having with a woman she had picked up at a bar one night when she had been feeling especially down and lonely. Her fear of abandonment, of ultimately being alone, had caused her to cling to Molly for longer than she should, becoming something more than just a fling after a drunken night.

Janice could usually handle herself much better than this; her issues from childhood and her broken family were normally pushed so deep down she forgot about them most of the time, and her natural confidence always broke through. She had been okay with being alone, but that was before. Ever since she had Beth had become close and she had realized the depth of feeling she had for her boss, it had been different. Beth wasn't the only one who had been changed by Ray and Perry.

Janice had never experienced such heartbreak in her life, when Beth had pushed her away. She remembered being stunned that she couldn't just shake off the bad feelings, like she usually did, and the heartbreak had continued, only lessening a bit when she could immerse herself in sex or fighting with Molly. But that had been the hardest time in her life, when Beth was physically right in front of her at work or at the rare get together they had with the girls or Jack and Ben, but emotionally she was nowhere to be found, just a shell of the person that Janice had begun to know and love over the course of the time they had lived together. That was when being alone had begun to feel different, not normal or comfortable, and she had turned to Molly more and more to try to lessen some of the ache inside her.

She sighed, leaving the bedroom and wandering out into the hallway. It was quiet inside the house and she noticed that Amanda's bedroom door was shut. Over the railing she could see through the giant windows in the great room, and she spotted Tracy outside in the hammock, swinging gently back and forth, a book held up to her face. The shower was still running in the bathroom, and she headed down the stairs, wondering how long Beth would stay in there.

She knew the smaller woman was upset with her. Beth could see right through her lies and she felt terrible for not being truthful with her. The day had been going so well, and it had been nice to see some happiness from Beth, especially after her terrible confession the other night. It had been wonderful to be so close to her, to share those intimate moments with her. The love she had for the other woman was overwhelming at times, and it killed her to think she had already screwed things up between them. She vowed to talk to Beth as soon as they got back to the city, as soon as they had some time alone. But she didn't want things to be awkward between them until then, so she hoped Beth would just forget about the text messages. She didn't think that was very likely, though.

Janice went outside, the heat immediately smothering her. The sun was mostly hidden by clouds now, and there were streaks of grey and black over the lake. She clambered down the deck stairs and headed out across the lawn to the big willow trees, where the hammock was. Tracy seemed to be quite immersed in her book and it took her a moment to notice Janice standing in front of her.

"Oh, hey," she said with a smile. "Where's Beth?"

"Taking a shower," Janice answered, squeezing into the hammock beside her. Tracy shifted over to make room for her. "What's Amanda doing?"

"She went to lie down for a bit. She had a headache. I'm sure this heat isn't helping." Tracy nudged Janice with her shoulder. "Are you okay? You look a little down."

Janice shrugged, feeling the need to talk to someone about Molly, but Tracy was Beth's best friend and might not take too kindly to the news of there being another woman in her life. "Yeah, I'm alright. Just a little tired, I guess." She wiped a hand across her forehead, already beginning to sweat. "Wow, this humidity is pretty gross. How can you stand reading out here?"

"I just wanted to spend some time outside before the storm hits," Tracy said. "It looks like we'll be stuck inside again soon enough. Amanda wanted to barbecue again tonight, but we might have to do it tomorrow instead."

Janice gazed out across the lake, watching a sailboat on the horizon. She hoped the storm would be short-lived, considering Beth's reaction to the last one they'd had. She was worried for the other woman, not wanting her to spiral downward any further than she already had. Her episodes of disassociation had been truly terrifying to behold. Between the impending bad weather and the constant texting from Molly, Janice wasn't sure that the rest of the trip was going to go very smoothly.

"Hey, Beth!" Tracy called, and Janice looked away from the water to see the smaller woman heading down the slope of grass toward them.

Her heart rate picked up just watching Beth walk across the lawn, and she shot her a tentative smile. Beth's hair was still wet from her shower and hung loose down her back. She had on a simple white T-shirt and jean shorts, and Janice thought she looked beautiful, so delicate and fragile, but there was a strength there as well.

To her relief, Beth smiled back and then squeezed into the hammock between she and Tracy, making them laugh. It was a very tight fit with the three of them in there together, but they stayed where they were, Tracy rocking the hammock back and forth with her foot. Janice laid her head on Beth's shoulder, glad the other woman seemed to be getting over her extreme aversion to other people's touch. She understood it now, and she fought to keep her thoughts from creeping to that night in the cabin, imagining everything Beth had gone through.

They stayed in the hammock for quite awhile, chatting about their trip and work and anything else that came to mind. Beth expressed concern about Amanda's headache, and Janice knew she was thinking about the night Ray had smashed the lawyer's head against the side of her car. She was aware that Beth carried a lot of guilt for the things that happened to her friends, and to Janice herself, and it made her heart ache.

It began spitting rain and they hauled themselves out of the hammock and headed back into the cottage. Amanda was back downstairs and feeling refreshed from her nap, so they decided to play a few hands of cards, with chips and beer in place of lunch. The card game started out innocently enough but ended up evolving into a high stakes competition, like it had the other day, and ended with quite a bit of money being won and lost.

They lost track of the time, and when they were finally finished playing, it was time to get dinner started. It was pouring rain by that point, and water lashed the windows as they prepared food in the kitchen, the radio cranked up and Tracy serenading everyone with her singing.

Janice was having fun and was glad that the epic tournament had taken her mind off of the situation with Beth and Molly. He phone had remained in her suitcase for the day and she hadn't turned it back on to check for any other messages. Beth seemed to be having a good time as well and ended up winning a large amount of money from Amanda, and the two of them got into a good natured argument when Beth tried to return it and Amanda wouldn't accept it.

After dinner they retired to the great room to watch movies. The rain was beating down on the floor-to-ceiling windows so hard, the had to crank the TV up to hear it. Lightning began flickering in the sky from time to time, followed by very distant low rumbles of thunder, and Janice could feel Beth begin to tense up under the blanket they were sharing on the couch. She held the smaller woman's hand, her thumb stroking back and forth soothingly, and Beth seemed okay for the remainder of the evening.

Behind they headed up to bed, Amanda dug around in the kitchen for some candles and flashlights and handed them out to everyone in case they lost power during the night. They said goodnight to each other in the hallway and made plans to do something exciting on their last full day at the cottage the next day. They would be packing up to return to Los Angeles on Saturday morning.

Janice kept glancing at Beth as they got ready for bed, wondering what the other woman was thinking. She hadn't mentioned anything about Janice's strange behavior regarding the text messages from earlier, and although she was quiet, she was being very composed despite the lightning flashing more regularly outside now.

"You don't have to keep staring at me like I'm about to have a breakdown," Beth muttered, as she pulled her short white nightie over her head.

Janice blushed. "Sorry. I'm just concerned, though. How are you doing?"

"I'm holding it together," Beth said, as they climbed into bed and got situated under the covers. "I feel a bit shaky but I'm okay."

Janice felt a swell of pride for the smaller woman; she was doing much better than she had done during the last storm. "That's great, babe," she whispered, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind Beth's ear.

They were quiet for several minutes, watching lightning streak across the sky outside the window; Janice had forgotten to close the curtains again. They listened to the rain beat down against the glass and the thunder roll, louder now than it had been during the movies. Janice could feel how tense Beth was beside her in the bed, but was impressed with how well she was doing.

Beth sighed and Janice rolled over so she was facing her; she could see Beth's profile from time to time when the lightning lit up the room. She felt the sudden need to confess everything about her relationship with Molly, but she tried to suppress the urge. Now was definitely not a good time. She thought about her phone, tucked safely inside her suitcase under a pile of dirty clothes, and wondered how many more times Molly had called or texted her. Frankly she was surprised that Beth hadn't brought up the text messages again, but she was glad she hadn't.

Lightning suddenly flashed so close it looked like it was in the room with them, and the ensuing crash of thunder was so loud it sounded like a bomb was being dropped on the cottage. Janice heard Beth gasp and then her breathing began to pick up.

"Hey, it's okay," she soothed, moving closer to her in the bed and running a hand up and down her arm. She could feel the muscles bunched tightly under her touch. "You're safe."

Thunder sounded again and this time the cottage shook from the force, and Beth whimpered, turning over and reaching for Janice. She took the smaller woman into her arms, feeling her tremble, and pressed a kiss to her head. She wanted to try to get on top of the panic attack before it got out of control, and apparently Beth had the same idea, because she suddenly pressed a fierce kiss to Janice's lips.

"Distract me," she demanded, and Janice could hear the quiver and need in her voice. "Make me forget."

She hesitated, unsure and surprised, and Beth kissed her again. _"Please."_

Despite her concern for the other woman, she was immediately overcome with desire, the need to be with Beth in a physical way never far from her thoughts. Her voracious sexual appetite always seemed to be humming just below the surface, ready to come out and play at any time. She kissed Beth back, and her boss responded enthusiastically, sliding her hand into Janice's sleep shorts and cupping her firmly.

"Jesus, Beth." Janice sucked in a sharp breath, already wet, stunned at how quickly the other woman was moving, but aroused to the point that she was about to come already. She felt two fingers penetrate her swiftly and start a quick rhythm, a thumb working her clit, circling the tingling bundle of nerves around and around.

" _Fuck."_ Before she knew it, she was coming, her walls tightening around Beth's fingers and spasming hard. Beth continued to pump in and out until Janice had orgasmed twice more in quick succession, moaning incoherently, every thought in her head completely obliterated.

"Holy shit." It took her a few minutes to be able to speak. She was panting, trying to catch her breath. "I thought I was supposed to be distracting _you_. Not the other way around. Wow...just wow."

Lightning flashed again, followed by another earth shaking roar of thunder, and Beth was suddenly on top of her, kissing her desperately, arms wrapping around her neck so tightly Janice could barely suck in a breath.

"Beth, Beth, it's okay, slow down, baby." Janice grabbed the smaller woman's arms, gently forcing her back so she could look at her. Lightning lit up the room almost every second and she could see tears streaking Beth's cheeks, her face ghostly pale, a haunted look in her eyes.

"Oh god, it's okay sweetie, it's okay." Janice sat up in the bed with Beth on her lap, holding her against her chest, Beth's head buried in her neck. She could feel the other woman's tears soaking her skin, and she banded her arms more tightly around her, rocking her back and forth. She murmured soothing, nonsense words in her ear as the weather outside continued to worsen. Beth shook in her arms and she raised her head to say something, but her words were drowned out by another crack of thunder.

Janice leaned down to press her ear against her mouth. "What was that, babe?"

"Make it stop," Beth cried. "I can't get him out of my head. Please make him go away. Make me forget."

Janice's heart broke and she had to swallow around a large lump in her throat. She blinked back her own tears and caught Beth's face between her hands, looking her in the eye. "What do you want me to do?"

Beth was straddling her, and she took one of Janice's hands away from her face, leading it down her body and underneath her nightgown. She wasn't wearing any panties. She held her hand there for a moment and then pulled away so Janice was touching her. "Just make it stop. I only want you in my head. No him."

"Oh, Beth." Janice had extreme reservations now, feeling like she was taking advantage of the other woman, as she held her hand against her. Beth wasn't the least bit wet. "Baby, I don't think that's a good idea right now."

" _Please."_ Beth was sobbing and she put her hand on top of Janice's again, pushing it against herself forcefully. "I _need_ you. Make him go away."

"Oh, god. Okay," Janice began rubbing her very gently, staying on the outside, her touch very hesitant.

" _Harder,"_ Beth insisted, and she began to grind herself against Janice's hand. "Go inside."

Janice couldn't help it; she began to get turned on again as the smaller woman moved against her. She stroked her clit, relieved to feel Beth becoming wet under her touch. She slowly pushed one finger inside and then another, and Beth rode her hand, hips gyrating against her, lips parted slightly, head thrown back.

If she made any sounds, Janice couldn't hear them over the force of the storm, but she was taken aback by how beautiful and ethereal Beth looked whenever lightning lit up the room, her eyes closed, tears drying on her cheeks. Her long hair was flowing over her thin shoulders in rivulets, one hand grasping Janice's shoulder to keep her balance, the other softly stroking her own breasts. She felt Beth's inner walls tightening and a flood of wetness spill out around her fingers.

Beth's eyes flew open suddenly, and Janice immediately recognized that distant look; there was no awareness there. "Hey, it's okay," she murmured, gently slipping her fingers out from inside of her and holding onto her upper arms. "You're safe. You're not at the cabin. You're at the cottage with me. Amanda and Tracy are just down the hall. You're not with him. It's okay."

She kept repeating those words over and over until Beth lost that remote look in her eyes and fixed her gaze on Janice, unshed tears clinging to her dark lashes. "Hey," Janice said, her hands rubbing up and down the smaller woman's arms. "Are you here with me?"

Beth nodded slowly and then shuddered as another crash of thunder sounded. Janice took her into her arms again, tucking them back underneath the covers, a wave of guilt washing over her as she thought about what she had just done. "I'm sorry," she said, the lump in her throat rising again. "I shouldn't have done that, Beth."

"No, it's okay, I wanted you to. Thank you." This time it was Beth soothing her, stroking a hand down her cheek and then her arm. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I didn't mean to be so forceful. I just can't stand him being in my head every time there's a storm. It always makes me think of my family and how they died, and now it makes me think of..."

Janice hugged her tightly as her voice trailed off. "It's alright. I'll always do whatever I can to make you stop thinking about him and what happened at the cabin."

"Thank you," Beth said again, her voice barely above a whisper.

The storm raged on outside, showing no signs of stopping anytime soon. Beth still seemed unsettled, as Janice lay there holding her, and she wondered how long the bad weather was going to last. Her heart was beating too quickly and she tried to calm down, still very unsettled herself by what had just happened between them. She tried to shake the uneasy feeling that had enveloped her, but it refused to dissipate.

Janice clutched the smaller woman to her, and couldn't help wondering if anything else was going to happen that night.

xxx

 _*Song lyrics are from Jann Arden's "I Would Die for You"_


	12. Chapter 12

" _Ouch, I have lost myself again_

 _Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found_

 _Yeah, I think that I might break_

 _Lost myself again and I feel unsafe."_

xxx

Beth lay in bed, snuggled up in Janice's embrace, but every limb was taught with stress, and she could feel the other woman's heart beating as quickly as her own. She knew Janice wasn't entirely comfortable with what had just happened between the two of them, but she had been so desperate for some relief; Ray was in her head and she couldn't get him out.

Even now, he remained there, her brain taunting her by replaying the degradation and humiliation of her time at the cabin over and over on a loop. And her family's faces were stuck in her mind; she imagined what it was like for them on their last night alive, how terrified they must have been, how it would have felt to die like that. The content feeling from earlier was definitely gone and she wanted it back.

Lightning flickered again but this time it wasn't quite as intense and the answering call of thunder sounded a little softer. A bit of relief began to creep into her dark thoughts and she entertained the idea of possibly having a peaceful night after all. She could hear movement out in the hallway and she figured no one else in the cottage was sleeping through this either. She hoped Tracy was doing okay, but was still too frightened to get out of bed to check on her.

The usual shame she felt whenever there was a storm began to seep into her already black thoughts. She just wished she could go back to the person she used to be; the person she was now, this weak, petrified woman that was holding onto her colleague for dear life, made her angry, made her wish she could turn back the clock so she hadn't followed Perry that night, hadn't taunted him and kicked him around in that parking lot, hadn't gotten the ball rolling on this whole mess. She knew there was no point in blaming herself; what was done was done and she could only try to move on from it. But it had been months now, and things were just getting worse. Every time she felt like she could finally pull herself out of this yawning pit of despair, something would happen to suck her back in.

She held onto Janice tightly, one of her hands clutching her around the waist, her thumb rubbing back and forth along her hip. She wanted to bring the other woman comfort, like Janice had brought to her. She couldn't imagine not having her in her life; although she was mortified by the way she acted around Janice sometimes, she was so relieved not to have to go through all these terrible times alone anymore. There had been so many nights in the past that she had woken up and reached for her, only to find her bed cold and empty. At work she could feel the other woman's eyes on her constantly, hurt and worried, and she had wanted nothing more than to just throw herself into Janice's arms and weep, but that familiar wave of revulsion would sweep over her, and she would remind herself that she couldn't be touched, didn't want to touch anyone else or let anyone in. She was so damaged and she couldn't inflict that on Janice or anyone else.

She was glad that Janice had broken down some of her walls on this trip. Being with her, physically and emotionally, felt so amazing. She had never had a relationship like this with anyone else in her life, had never been this close to anyone. She often wondered if it would become too much for Janice at some point and she would leave her, and the thought was so devastating, it left her reeling. She couldn't imagine the other woman not being there with her now, couldn't imagine being all alone again. She wanted to be with Janice all the time, never wanted to let her go.

In response to her thoughts, her arms tightened unconsciously around the taller woman, and Janice responded instantly, her own arms tightening around Beth. She pressed herself as close as she could against her, until there was no space at all between them, their bodies melding together like they were one person.

"I love you," Janice whispered, and Beth heard a catch in her voice. "God, I love you so much."

She felt overwhelmed with her need for Janice, and she pressed her hand to the other woman's heart, feeling the rapid beat against her palm. "I love you too. More than I've ever loved anyone." She raised her head to look at Janice. The taller woman was staring back at her intently, her dark eyes wide. "Please don't leave me. I'm really sorry for everything I've been putting you through, especially tonight."

Janice frowned and she opened her mouth but didn't speak for a moment. "Beth, why would you say something like that? I'm not going anywhere. Ever."

"Okay," she replied doubtfully, laying her head back on Janice's chest.

" _Beth."_ Janice put a finger under her chin and lifted her head so they were eye to eye again. "When are you going to believe me when I say that I'm always going to be here? I'm not leaving you ever, no matter what happens. I think I've proven that several times over by now."

Beth felt a stab of guilt for making things harder than they needed to be. Janice already had to put up with so much. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "Sometimes I just get scared."

Janice pulled her back down, so they were pressed against one another again. "Well, I'm never going to stop trying to prove to you that I'm not going to leave." She kissed Beth's forehead, her lips lingering on her skin.

They were silent again, listening as the storm finally began moving farther away. The flashes of lightning and rumbles of thunder were less frequent now, and Beth could feel a loosening in her chest, the anxiety calming. She could hear faint voices down the hall; it sounded like Amanda and Tracy were up and chatting, not able to sleep either.

Janice kissed her forehead again and then gently began pulling away from her. "I just need to run to the bathroom for a minute. Are you going to be okay while I'm gone? I hear the girls up; do you want me to ask them to come in here?"

"No, I'll be fine," Beth replied, the embarrassment rising again because she really wouldn't mind Amanda and Tracy coming in here to stay with her, but she didn't want to admit that she wasn't alright to be on her own for the duration of Janice's trip to the washroom.

"I'll be quick." Janice smiled at her and then hurried from the room, and Beth could hear her talking in the hallway with the others.

She rolled over and switched on the lamp, not wanting to be alone in the darkness. She lay on her side, staring out at the room, and then realized her eyes were fixed on Janice's suitcase. She hesitated for a moment, and then swung her legs over the side of the bed, curiosity getting the better of her. Glancing quickly at the bedroom door, which was half open, she rifled through the suitcase, pulling Janice's phone out from underneath a crumpled blue T-shirt. She held it in her hand, gazing down at it, knowing that this was a total violation of the other woman's privacy, but unable to stop herself from turning it on. It was password protected, but since she knew what it was, she quickly typed it in and the phone dinged several times in a row, indicating there were texts and calls waiting.

Beth frowned, confused, wondering who the mystery person on the other end was and why Janice didn't want to talk about it. The doubt she was feeling earlier about the longevity of their relationship began creeping in again, and she had a bad feeling, as she stared down at the phone. As if she had conjured the mystery person up, it suddenly began ringing, the sound shrill in the silence of the room.

Beth was startled and her frown became deeper as the name "Molly" flashed across the screen. The name sounded familiar, and she suddenly remembered the night at her old house, shortly before she was taken by Ray, when Janice had been staying with her and they had had Jack and Ben over for a barbecue and drinks. Janice had received a call from someone named Molly and been embarrassed about it; it hadn't helped that the guys had teased her afterwards. Beth remembered feeling jealous because she had been starting to develop feelings for her co-worker, but it was obvious that Janice had another woman in her life. They had talked a bit about it the next day, but after that she hadn't heard the name again, and Janice hadn't mentioned her. Beth had forgotten about Molly long ago, occupied with more pressing matters.

The phone stopped ringing and it was quiet for a moment before starting up again. She didn't want Janice to hear it, and for some reason, instead of turning it off, she answered it. "Hello?"

"Hey, slut," a high female voice, sounding quite inebriated, answered.

"Excuse me?" Beth's eyebrows were raised.

"Janice?"

"No, this isn't Janice."

There was silence for a beat. "Is this Beth?" The words were slurred and there was a hint of a snarl in the other woman's voice.

Beth was too surprised to answer for a second. "Yes, this is Beth. I'm assuming this is Molly."

"Right you are." Drunken laughter now. "So Janice has got you answering her phone for her now? Too much of a chicken shit to pick it up herself, huh? She's been playing the avoidance game pretty well since going away with you and those other chicks."

Beth didn't say anything, dread blooming inside her.

"Hello? You there, Beth? Cat got your tongue?" More laughter. "Don't tell me Janice hasn't told you about me. Wow, I don't even rate a mention to her boss, even though we've been dating since last winter?"

Beth froze, staring blankly at the wall in front of her, feeling the colour drain from her face. Her heart skipped a beat and she struggled to stutter out a response. "N-no, she didn't tell me."

A derisive snort. "Well, I guess I'm not really surprised. I think she's been trying to keep us a secret from each other. But I figured it out a long time ago, her infatuation with you. She said she didn't have feelings for you anymore, not since you got kidnapped by that dude, and you turned into such a cold, unfeeling bitch, but I knew better. Janice doesn't hide things as well as she thinks she does."

Tears welled up in Beth's eyes and spilled over, and she pressed a hand to her mouth to hold in the wail that was threatening to break loose. She couldn't agree less with Molly's last statement. Apparently Janice was brilliant at hiding things, like secret relationships.

"I figured out why she picked me up that night in the bar, you know." Molly continued talking as if Beth's world hadn't just come crashing down around her. "We bare a striking resemblance to each other, Bethie. I noticed it when I saw a photo of you at her place." A sneer floated through the phone. "She was trying to replace you with me. And she didn't have the balls to admit that from the get go. And now that I'm trying to move our relationship forward, she won't admit that she's in love with you and that's why she's avoiding me. Real nice, huh?"

Beth couldn't speak, she was too choked up from the tears clogging her throat.

"Oh, you don't believe me? Hold on a sec, and I'll send you a pic. Just wait for it." There was a sniff and then a hiccup, and the line abruptly went dead.

Beth held the phone limply in her hand, her arm hanging down, and then it buzzed, signaling a message. She didn't want to look, afraid what she would see, but she couldn't seem to stop her arm from raising and holding the screen up to her face. She clicked on the message and the words "I told you so" and the picture of a smiling dark haired woman came up on the screen. She wasn't Vietnamese American, like Beth herself was, and she looked several years younger, but the similarities were striking. She and Molly shared the same colour hair and eyes, both slightly built with similar skin tone.

Beth stood there, staring in disbelief at the picture, stunned at how quickly things had changed in just a few minutes. She could hear Janice coming back down the hall but she didn't make a move to hide the phone. She just stood there, frozen, the tears streaming unchecked down her face.

"So the girls are having a slumber party in Amanda's room," Janice chuckled, and Beth heard her close the door but didn't turn around to face her. "They invited us to come join them, but I said I'd have to ask you first."

Beth remained where she was, head down, eyes fixed on the picture of Molly.

"Beth? Hey, are you alright? Sorry, I was a little longer than I thought I was going to be. Amanda and Tracy wanted to chat for a minute. But if you don't want to join them, it's fine, they understand. I'm all yours for the night."

A sudden fury rose up inside Beth and she whirled around, eyes blazing, thrusting the phone out in front of her.

Janice appeared confused for a second, squinting to see what was on the screen, and then recognition seemed to dawn and she looked completely stricken. "Oh my god."

"Apparently I'm not all yours!" Beth spat out, her voice rising. "How can I be when you already belong to someone else?!"

"I-I don't belong to her," Janice stuttered, her usually pale skin now sheet white.

"Oh, really?" Beth snapped. "Well, she seems to think differently. I just had a conversation with her."

"Wait-what? You talked to Molly? Just now?" Janice still seemed confused.

"Yes, she called when I turned your phone on," Beth replied, swiping roughly at the tears on her cheeks. "You have a lot of messages and missed calls from her."

"Why did you turn my phone on?" Janice sounded angry herself now. "That was buried in my suitcase. You went rifling through my stuff to find it?"

"I don't think that's the issue we need to discuss right now," Beth said coldly.

"What gives you the right to invade my privacy?" Janice had her arms crossed in front of her and Beth could see her rapidly blinking back tears.

"What gives you the right to have a relationship with another woman for the past several months and not even bother to tell me about it?" Beth's voice was like ice. "It makes your declaration of love for me seem kind of like a moot point."

Janice covered her face with her hands but a muffled sob broke through. "I love you, Beth, not her. It's been you the whole time. It's just that you were so distant and-"

"Yes, I know," Beth cut in swiftly. "She told me that you said you no longer had feelings for me because my kidnapping had turned me into such a cold, unfeeling bitch." Fresh tears welled up and spilled over and this time she didn't bother trying to wipe them away. "But it's okay because you had a look-a-like to date this whole time. It's nice to know that you weren't so lonely after all, while I was going through hell."

"Beth. Oh, god." Janice was staring at her and then bent over, hands on her knees, and a loud sob broke through. "Look, you don't understand, okay? Let me just explain things to you."

"I understand perfectly." Beth dropped the phone and began digging through her own suitcase, yanking out a sweatshirt and a pair of jeans, and she whipped her nightgown off, tossing it to the floor, and started dressing. "You lied to me. That's what I understand."

"Hey, what are you doing?" Janice stood back up, frowning, her face awash in tears. "Why are you getting dressed?"

"Because I need to get out of here." Beth knew there was nowhere else for her to stay at this late hour, so she would have to return at some point, but for now she needed to get out of the cottage. She couldn't stand to be around Janice for a moment longer and the storm had stopped, so she would have to settle for a walk. "I'm going out for awhile. I'll sleep on the couch when I get back."

"Beth, no, that's not a good idea-" Janice reached out an arm to stop her, and Beth shoved her hard, surprised at her own strength when the other woman staggered backwards.

"Don't touch me!" she shouted, pushing past her and storming from the room. "Just leave me the hell alone, Janice."

The door to Amanda's bedroom swung open as Beth marched past with Janice quick on her heels, protesting, and Tracy stepped in front of her. "Beth, what's going on? We heard you guys yelling at each other. What happened?"

Amanda came out of the room behind Tracy, and the four of them were crowded into the hallway in a mass of confusion and noise. Beth felt trapped and her throat began to close in panic, and she roughly pushed past everyone and sprinted down the stairs. She just needed some air, some time to herself to come to terms with what had just happened.

"Beth!" Tracy called, and she could hear them all hurrying down the stairs behind her. "Talk to me! What the hell is going on?"

"Ask Janice!" Beth snapped back, and pushed her feet into her sandals, flinging open the sliding glass door so hard, it almost shattered.

"What happened? Where is she going?" Beth could hear Tracy's panicked voice mingling in with Janice and Amanda's, but she didn't stop. She knew Janice was going to try to follow her so she picked up her pace, not even knowing where she was going, just that she had to put a great deal of distance between herself and the cottage. She ran blindly in the dark, slipping on a patch of wet grass and righting herself quickly. It was still raining, but only slightly now, and the humidity had broken, leaving behind damp, cool air.

She could hear Janice shouting her name in the distance, so she picked up the pace again, reaching the boundary of the property and crossing over into the next door neighbor's yard. Their giant sailboat was silhouetted against the grayish black of the night sky, bobbing up and down on the waves. She kept moving, no particular destination in mind, and before she knew it she had entered the woods that bordered part of the lake. If it had been dark before, it was now pitch black, and she let her eyes get adjusted as she continued to walk swiftly. Her sandals slapped the ground, still very wet from all the rain, and mud oozed onto her feet, pooling between her toes.

It suddenly occurred to Beth that she had not been in woods of any kind since being taken by Ray, and she stopped for a moment, overcome by a memory of running for her life through the trees, Ray chasing her, shooting at her with her own gun. Her heart rate, which was already high, picked up even more, and she sat down on a rock, trying to catch her breath. Anxiety suddenly swamped her, and she looked wildly around the forest, trying to remember which way she had come in.

She had been so intent on putting some distance between herself and Janice, that she had just stupidly run. She leaned over on the rock, head in her hands, and the tears that had begun to dry on her cheeks started up again. She was so consumed by the betrayal of the person she loved most, and flashbacks of the person she hated most, she could barely breathe.

How could Janice have laid there next to her in bed, holding her and assuring her that she loved her, that she would never leave? How could Molly have been in the picture the whole time and Beth had never even had a clue? She was devastated, absolutely gutted. She had been right the whole time. She was always going to be alone.

Lightning suddenly flashed overhead above the trees, and Beth looked up, her heart in her throat, the realization dawning on her that things were about to get a whole lot worse.

xxx

 _*Song lyrics by Sia's "Breathe Me"_


	13. Chapter 13

" _Please don't let this turn into something it's not_

 _I can only give you everything I've got_

 _This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long_

 _Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong."_

xxx

Janice stood on the back deck, screaming Beth's name until she was hoarse. She has chased her out the door and then slipped on the slick wood, puddles everywhere, and all of a sudden Beth was nowhere to be seen, swallowed up by the night. It looked like she had been running over to the next door neighbor's property, but it was so dark out, it was hard to tell.

She doubled over on the deck, sobbing, and was suddenly pulled to her feet by Amanda, who wrapped her up in her arms. "Janice, what's going on? Why did Beth run off like that?"

Janice clung to her tightly, shaking and crying, and she could feel Tracy embracing her from behind. "I screwed up. God, I screwed up so bad."

"Okay, just slow down and take a deep breath." Amanda ran her hands soothingly through her hair and then led her back inside, lowering her down to sit on the couch and then sitting down beside her.

Tracy sat on her other side, looking anxious. "Janice, we need to find Beth. She shouldn't be out there all alone in her state of mind. It's dark and she doesn't know her way around."

"I know," Janice said, scrubbing her hands over her face and trying to get a hold of herself.

"Did she bring her phone? Maybe she'll answer if we call." Tracy was rubbing her back in slow circles and Janice felt awful for taking comfort from Beth's best friend after what she had done.

"No, she doesn't have it." Janice looked at Tracy, seeing her anxiety mirrored in the blonde woman's face. "Oh god, what have I done?"

"I'm sure you haven't done anything that can't be fixed," Amanda said calmly. "Why don't we head out in the SUV to look for her? You can tell us what happened while we drive."

"Do you think it would be better if we split up?" Tracy asked, as they all got to their feet. "One of us in the SUV, one of us in the truck, and one of us on foot?"

"I think that would be a good idea if you guys knew the area a little better," Amanda answered. "But pretty soon there's going to be three of you lost in the dark instead of just one, so it's probably better that we stick together, at least for the time being."

They made sure to bring a few things they might need while they were out, like their cell phones, flashlights, towels, blankets, and umbrellas. Janice asked Tracy to tuck some anti-anxiety pills into her pocket, just in case. The rain was coming down harder again as they got into the SUV, and just as they were backing out of the driveway, chain lightning zigzagged across the sky over the lake, followed by a rumble of thunder.

"Oh, shit," Janice said, staring at the sky in horror. "We need to hurry up and find her fast. Beth doesn't do well in storms." She was terrified for the other woman; Beth was practically catatonic during bad weather while she was indoors, and Janice couldn't imagine how bad she would be now that she was actually outside in it. Plus, there was the very real threat of getting struck by the lightning that was flashing almost constantly again. The weather was gearing back up to be as bad as it had been earlier.

Tears continued to stream down Janice's cheeks as they cruised slowly down the street, the windshield wipers sweeping madly back and forth. She wiped them away impatiently, plastered against the passenger side window, desperate for any sign of Beth. The guilt was eating her alive and any anger she had felt toward the smaller woman had faded away almost as soon as it had started. It was her fault that Beth was out here now, all alone in this awful weather, most likely having a massive panic attack. The fear she had for the other woman's well being felt like it was choking her, and she pressed herself against the glass, straining to see through the sheets of rain and darkness, hoping for a glimpse of her.

"Janice, what happened between you two?" Tracy asked softly from the backseat. "We talked to you in the hallway just a few minutes before Beth went running out of the cottage and you seemed fine."

Janice took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. "Beth turned my phone on when I was in the bathroom and someone called as soon as it came on. She answered it and they had a conversation."

"Okay...why would Beth go into your phone like that? That doesn't sound like her."

"She did it because I wouldn't tell her who kept calling and texting me," Janice said quietly. "She was worried."

"Who was calling and texting you?" Tracy asked, sounding suspicious.

"Molly."

"Who's Molly?"

Janice closed her eyes as more tears trickled down her face. "Someone I met at a bar while Jack, Ben, and I were taking turns staying at Beth's place after Perry got Ray out of the hospital. We started up an on again, off again relationship."

"What?" Tracy sounded stunned. "You mean you're still seeing her now? I'm confused; I thought you and Beth were in love with each other and were moving forward with things."

"We are," Janice replied, covering her face. "But things happened so quickly between us once we got here that I didn't have time to end things with Molly. After months of barely talking to each other or seeing each other outside of work, all of a sudden we had all this time together and things progressed so fast. But Molly wanted to take our relationship to the next level, and apparently she had figured out what was going on between Beth and I, and she hasn't stopped messaging me this whole week. Beth hasn't been doing well, so I didn't want to tell her until we got back to Los Angeles. I was also going to break things off with Molly once we got back. It just didn't work out the way I had planned it."

"Oh, Janice." Tracy didn't sound angry, just sad.

"I didn't mean for things to turn out this way," Janice sobbed. "It all just got out of control. I started seeing Molly in the first place because I felt rejected by Beth on one of the days I was supposed to stay at her house, and Molly reminded me of her. I fell for Beth so hard and fast once we started spending time together outside of work and I think she was falling for me too. I was head over heels in love with her and I still am. After the abduction, she was just gone...in so many different ways. I could hardly deal with things. I missed her so much and I knew she was going through such a bad time and I just needed someone and Molly was there. I'll admit that I knew all along that Molly's feelings were deeper than mine, but I didn't know just how deep until recently. I honestly thought we were just having fun. She was a distraction and I knew it was bad, but I couldn't help it." She continued staring out the window as she spoke, trying to see through the rain and tears. "I lied to Molly too, and I told her I didn't have feelings for Beth anymore because she had changed so much. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Janice was shocked when Tracy reached over from the backseat and put an arm around her. "It's okay. We're going to find her and you guys are going to work through this. What you did was wrong, Janice, but I can understand it, at least to some degree. I know how bad things have been with Beth these last several months. I've often felt the same way you have, that she's just not there anymore. I think after all this time of being so alone, she finally realized what she had with you, and that's why she's taking this so hard."

Janice clutched Tracy's arm tightly. "You guys don't know everything, but I know she's also acting like this because of other things that have happened. I can't talk about it, but she's really vulnerable right now." She felt Amanda squeeze her other hand.

"I know she is," Tracy said softly. "And I'm glad she's finally been able to talk to you about some stuff. I know she's been holding a lot in about what happened with Ray and it's been causing the nightmares and other stuff. I know she's going down a bad road. And she's been going down it for a long time now."

"I think we're almost at the end of the bad road," Amanda murmured. "We're going to get this situation sorted out tonight, and then things are going to change when we get back to the city. She can't go on like this, and neither can any of us."

"I'm afraid we won't get to her in time," Janice choked out. "I'm afraid some real damage is going to be done, that she won't be able to come back from. The psychological toll that this is likely taking on her right now...well, it's going to be bad."

xxx

" _The station pulls away from the train_

 _The blue pulls away from the sky_

 _The whisper of two broken wings_

 _Maybe they're yours, maybe they're mine_

 _This is my least favorite life_

 _The one where I am out of my mind..."_

xxx

Beth stumbled through the woods, soaked to the bone and shivering hard. Her hair was plastered to her head and neck and she could barely see through the sheets of rain teeming down on her. Her clothes clung to her body, sopping wet and weighing her down. She had fallen several times and was covered head to toe in mud.

She was completely disoriented, shuffling along blindly, not knowing where she was and which way was out. She thought she had veered away from the lake and was closer to the road now, but she couldn't be sure. She should have just stayed where she was, sitting on that rock, and waited until the storm died down or one of the girls found her. The lightning made her jump and shriek every time it flashed, and each answering roar of thunder was deafening. Her breath was coming in short pants and she felt like she was being strangled, the panic was so all encompassing.

Thoughts of Ray, Janice, and her family were all mixed together in her mind and she couldn't make her brain slow down, couldn't make it all stop. Memories and flashbacks whirled together in a vivid dark swirl of emotion. She wished she had given it some thought before leaving the cottage so abruptly, instead of just running headlong into another nightmare that wouldn't end. She felt like a child, running away from her problems, instead of just facing them head on like she used to.

Her foot snagged on a tree root and she tripped again, falling to her hands and knees in the thick muck. She remained there for a moment on all fours, tears mixing with the rainwater streaming down her face, trying in vain to catch her breath. It was like breathing through a straw, it was so shallow.

She raised her head just as lightning flashed again, and a dark shape hovering beside a nearby tree suddenly caught her attention. She stared at it, trying to wipe the water out of her eyes enough to see. It looked like a person standing there, and for a moment she was overcome with joy, thinking one of the girls had found her, but then she realized it was a man. Her heart stopped as the shape detached itself from the tree and began walking toward her.

"Oh my god, oh my god," she panted, crawling backwards in a frantic crab walk and slipping again the mud. "No, it can't be..."

"Hello, Michelle."

 _Ray?_

How could that be possible? He had died in the fire that night at the cabin; his body had been recovered the next day. Beth had seen him with her own eyes, had seen him lying dead in the morgue, covered in burns and black smoke. So how could he be standing in front of her now?

It occurred to her briefly that what she was seeing wasn't really there, wasn't real, but she continued to stare up at him in stunned disbelief. He stood over her, looking exactly as she remembered, looking as real as she herself was.

"Oh god, oh god, please go away, please leave me alone."

"I've missed you, Michelle." Ray grinned down at her, advancing another step. "Have you missed me? It's been awhile."

"Someone help me!" Beth screamed in desperation. She was lying on her back on the saturated forest floor, raised up on her elbows, frozen to the spot. She couldn't move.

"No one's coming, Michelle," Ray said. "It's just you and me here. Just like it was in the cabin before you had to be a bad girl and escape. But it can be like that again. Remember our time together in the cabin?" He smiled at her, baring his teeth. "I remember it well."

Beth screamed again as he got down on the ground beside her. The terror was so consuming it felt like her heart was going to beat right out of her chest. Her vision was murky, growing dark at the edges, and she blinked rapidly, trying to keep from passing out. "Help me! Please help me, Janice!"

Ray laughed evilly. "Janice isn't coming for you, silly girl. She left you all alone out here with me. Just like you knew she would. You knew all along you couldn't be together. You're too disturbed, too dark, like me. We belong together, Michelle. You're going to be out here until you rot. We can rot together, in the ground."

Ray lowered his lips to hers, and lightning flashed again, just in time to see the gleaming white skull that had replaced his face. Beth's eyes widened and an inhuman wail ripped itself from her throat. She had been balancing herself on shaking arms, but her strength gave out and she lay helplessly on her back in the woods, screaming like she would never stop.

xxx

 _*Song lyrics are from Snow Patrol's "Make This Go On Forever" and Lera Lynn's "My Least Favorite Life"_


	14. Chapter 14

" _And I don't know where to look_

 _My words just break and melt_

 _Please just save me from this darkness_

 _Please just save me from this darkness."_

xxx

Janice stared out the window, desperate for any sign of Beth, but there was only darkness and rain. It seemed like they had been driving forever, circling slowly through the streets, keeping their eyes peeled. She had rolled the window down because the glass had fogged up so much, she could barely see through it. Rain pelted her, and her entire right side was soaked but she didn't care. She didn't care about anything except finding Beth. Even if the other woman never spoke to her again, she just needed to know that she was safe.

The thought that this might be it for she and Beth made her want to burst into tears again, but she tried hard to control her emotions, knowing she needed a level head right now. She kept her eyes on the trees as the cottages gave way to woods on either side of the road. She hoped Beth wasn't in there.

"I think we need to call the police," Tracy piped up from the backseat. "She's been gone for awhile now and this storm is crazy. The two of you can use your connections."

"Tracy, you know they won't do anything," Amanda said gently. "She has to be missing for twenty-four hours. I promise we will not go back to the cottage until we find her. She couldn't have gotten that far. If she's in the woods, she's probably disoriented and walking in circles. Or she just sat down in one spot is waiting for us to find her. I think we would have seen her if she was in any of the neighbourhoods."

"But if she's in the woods, how are we supposed to find her?" Tracy was crying now. "They're huge and it's pitch black and pouring rain."

"If we have to get out and search through them with our flashlights, then that's what we'll do," Amanda said firmly.

Janice was about to turn around in her seat to comfort Tracy, when a sudden faint noise caught her attention. "Stop!" she yelled, and Amanda slammed on the breaks, skidding on the wet road.

"What? Do you see her?" Tracy asked eagerly, leaning forward into the front seat and craning her neck to see out the window.

"No, I thought I heard something." Janice squinted into the downpour, but she couldn't see anything through the dense trees. She had to wait for the latest rumble of thunder to stop rolling, and then she listened carefully. The noise came again, very faint, but definitely there. "I heard it again!"

"Are you sure?" Amanda asked, the three of them staring out the window.

"I'm sure," Janice replied, leaning down to pick up one of the flashlights from the floor of the SUV. She switched it on and shined it into the trees. She still couldn't see anything but she felt a sharp spike of hope now. "I'm going in there."

"Me too," Tracy said, and Janice passed her a flashlight.

They scrambled out of the vehicle, leaving the umbrellas behind because it was lightning, and started across the slick ground into the woods. They were immediately saturated by the rain. Janice looked around eagerly, her head swiveling in all directions, but there was nothing to see except forest. The noise sounded again, more clearly this time, and it made the hair on the back of Janice's neck stand on end. She knew that noise all too well. It was the sound of Beth screaming.

"Okay, I heard it that time," Amanda said, and they all took off running toward the sound, their flashlights bouncing around wildly, mingling with the lightning.

Janice was in a full out sprint, dashing through the woods as quickly as she could, with Amanda and Tracy right on her heels. Each of them stumbled and tripped several times, but they picked themselves up and kept going. Beth's screaming was very loud now, despite the noise from the storm, and Janice's flashlight finally picked up the shape of the other woman lying on the ground, her arms up over her head, so covered in mud they could barely see her.

"Beth!" Janice shrieked, dropping to the ground beside her, the flashlight bouncing away into the muck.

They all gathered around her, pulling her into a sitting position. Beth was moaning now, and Janice thought she heard the name "Ray" but couldn't be sure.

"Beth, it's us. We're here, you're safe," Janice gasped as lightning flashed again, right overhead. She leaned forward to cover the smaller woman protectively.

"We need to get her back to the car," Amanda was saying, but her words were drowned out by the crash of thunder that immediately followed.

Janice couldn't tell if Beth was injured or not, but the other woman refused to open her eyes, even as they all quickly yanked her to her feet. She didn't know if Beth even knew they were there. She put her arms around her, trying to keep her upright and make her walk, but she kept losing her grip, her hands sliding off her, the mud and slime making it difficult to hold on.

"Come on, Beth, we need to hurry, you can do it," Tracy urged, all three of them trying to get a grip on her and herd her toward the SUV.

Amanda had left the headlights on and the vehicle running, and Janice could see the lights shining faintly through the haze of rain and trees, but it still seemed a long way off. Beth's legs suddenly gave out from under her, and Janice felt her slip out of her grasp, and tried to keep a hold of her as she fell to the ground again.

"Beth!" Tracy shrieked in panic.

"I think she passed out," Amanda said grimly. "Come on, let's pick her up. We need to get out of here."

Janice and Tracy bent down, one on each side of Beth, hauling the smaller woman into their arms, with Amanda grabbing her legs. Everyone had dropped their flashlights and Janice felt like she was stumbling along blindly, but Amanda seemed to know where she was going. They trudged through the muck as fast as they could, their feet getting stuck from time to time. At one point Tracy slipped, almost bringing the whole group down with her, but managed to right herself at the last second.

The SUV finally appeared through the curtain of rain, and Janice and Tracy clambered into the backseat with Beth stretched out across them, wrapped in a blanket. Amanda helped them all get situated and then hurried about to the driver's side door, climbed inside, and quickly peeled away from the curb.

It was so dark inside the vehicle and Beth was so completely filthy, that Janice was having trouble seeing much, but she knew the other woman wasn't doing well. Tracy had her best friend cradled on her lap, Beth's head laying heavily against her chest, her legs slung haphazardly over Janice's knees. She appeared to be more alert now than she had been in the woods, but her breathing was erratic, coming out in quick, sharp puffs of air, and Janice could feel her legs and feet twitching from time to time. She was shivering violently, and Amanda had closed all the windows and cranked the heat. They had each tried speaking to her, but she wouldn't talk to any of them.

"Do you think we should take her to the hospital?" Tracy asked worriedly, smoothing her hand over Beth's sopping wet hair.

"I think she's having a major panic attack and PTSD episode," Janice responded. "I know the hospital is the last place she wants to go, so let's see what we can do for her first. We'll get her calmed down and clean and dry and then assess the situation." She was doing her best to try to remain calm, but she was terrified. She leaned over, fishing Beth's tightly curled fist out of the drenched pocket of her sweatshirt, and gripped her hand hard, wanting the other woman to respond to her. "Beth, Tracy brought some anti-anxiety medication with her. She says these are the same ones you have at home, they're the exact same prescription, so we're going to give you one, okay? I know you're having trouble breathing and things are really bad right now, so this is going to make you feel better."

Tracy had stashed a little baggie of the pills in the backseat so they didn't get wet, and Janice fished one of them out and held it out to Beth. "Here, sweetie, open up your mouth and put this under you tongue." Beth whimpered as she held her hand in front of her face, and Janice's heart ached, wondering if she was scared of her. Beth closed her eyes tightly but opened her mouth enough for Janice to slide the pill under her tongue. "Okay, there you go. You should be feeling better soon. If this doesn't work fast enough, we can give you another one." She wanted to take the smaller woman from the comfort of Tracy's lap and hold her, but she didn't think Beth would appreciate that right now.

Amanda drove back to the cottage as fast as the slick roads would let her, and soon they were bumping up the gravel driveway. Janice breathed a sigh of relief when she saw that all the lights in the cottage were still on; she had been worried that they would lose power while out on the hunt for Beth.

Amanda and Janice got out of the car and went around to open the door on Tracy's side. They slowly eased Beth out of her lap and set her on her feet, holding her tightly. Beth wobbled unsteadily and listed to the side, and Janice caught her quickly, helping her stay upright. The smaller woman was still breathing too rapidly and her eyelids drooped tiredly. The inside of the SUV was an absolute mess, mud and dirt and water everywhere, but if Amanda was upset about it, she didn't give any indication.

"Okay, honey, we're going to get you inside and up the stairs to the bathroom," Tracy said patiently. "We need you to try to walk and we'll be right beside you."

It was very slow going, but the three of them somehow got Beth into the cottage and upstairs into the bathroom with minimal fuss. Beth seemed a little more focused now, but still had not uttered one word. They left behind a trail of brown water and clumps of mud and wet gravel, but no one was concerned about the mess at the moment. They lowered Beth to sit on the floor, her back against the wall, and they all knelt down in front of her.

Now that they were in full light, Janice was stunned by how bad the other woman looked. She was still shivering, her teeth chattering, and her lips white. Her saturated hair was plastered to head, streaming water onto her soaking wet sweatshirt and jeans. She had streaks of mud and dirt clinging to her from head to feet.

"We need to get her out of those clothes and into a hot shower," Amanda said. "Beth, are you feeling a little better?" she asked, swiping her thumb gently across the other woman's cheek to remove a chunk of dirt.

Beth was staring straight ahead, her gaze looking unfocused, and she still didn't speak.

"Maybe we should have taken her to the hospital," Tracy said worriedly.

"No," Beth murmured, and they all looked at her in surprise. "No hospital."

"We're not going to take you anywhere you don't want to go," Janice assured her, squeezing Beth's arm and inwardly flinching when the other woman winced and pulled away from her. She was usually the one Beth wanted to take comfort from when she was going through one of her episodes, and it hurt Janice deeply that the smaller woman didn't want anything to do with her now, but she understood why.

"Okay, honey, we're going to help you out of your clothes and check to see if you have any injuries," Amanda said, turning Beth's head so they were eye to eye. "Then we're going to get you in the nice warm shower and tuck you into bed. Does that sound good?"

Janice expected Beth to protest, but the smaller woman just nodded her head slightly. She sat back while Amanda and Tracy very gently guided her sweatshirt over her head and set it on the floor. Tracy unclasped her bra and Beth leaned forward, folding her arms over her chest and hiding her face in her knees. Janice's heart clenched and she wanted to reach over and take the other woman into her embrace; she looked so tiny and vulnerable, but she held back.

"It's okay," Amanda said softly, stroking back her sopping wet hair. "We just need to look for a minute, sweetheart." They checked her back while she was still bent over, and then eased her back up against the wall and Tracy gently lowered her arms away from her body.

Beth whimpered and Janice couldn't take it anymore. She slid closer to the smaller woman on the floor and took one of her clammy hands into her own. Beth didn't pull away this time, and she sat still while they quickly looked over her chest and stomach.

"Okay, good, everything looks fine," Amanda said. "Beth, can you take your jeans off or do you want some help?"

Beth reached down and clumsily unbuttoned her pants, but after several attempts, she was unable to get the zipper down.

"It's alright," Janice whispered. "Let me do it." She unzipped Beth's jeans, and the others pulled them down and off, and Janice quickly reached out to grasp the waistband her soaked panties and remove them.

Beth looked so small, huddled naked and filthy on the floor, a large puddle of water spreading out around her. Janice blinked back tears as they looked over her legs, not finding any injuries other than a couple of small scrapes and bruises. She grabbed a large fluffy towel off the rack and draped it around the smaller woman to give her some privacy, while they discussed the best way to help her with the shower.

"Beth, are you feeling any better?" Tracy asked, crouching down next to her friend. She, Janice, and Amanda were so wet, they were creating their own puddles on the floor, the dirty water mixing in with Beth's.

Beth didn't say anything but she nodded, her head resting on her knees again, snuggled up inside the towel. It looked like she was struggling to keep her eyes open.

"The medication has definitely kicked in," Tracy said, stroking her hair. "It can make you really tired if you're not used to it. I definitely don't think she should be showering by herself, though. Sorry, Beth, I don't mean to talk about you like you're not here. Is it okay if someone helps you shower?"

Beth shrugged and then nodded again, her head still down.

"I can help her," Janice said quietly, feeling sad and depleted, and not able to shake the guilt that was gnawing at her. "I think she needs someone to be in there with her."

"I think you're right," Amanda replied. "Beth, is that okay with you?"

Janice stared down at the floor as they waited for a reply. There was silence for several seconds before a softly whispered "yes" from Beth. She sighed in relief as Tracy and Amanda helped her stand. Beth was still a little wobbly on her feet, but seemed steadier than before.

Amanda reached in to turn on the water and get it to a nice warm temperature, and Janice struggled to shed the wet clothing that was sticking to her. She didn't have many hangups about her body and didn't care who saw her naked. The others didn't seem perturbed by it as they led Beth over to the shower and gently divested her of the towel. Janice climbed in first and reached out to help Beth inside as well.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay with her?" Amanda asked with concern, as Beth tripped slightly while stepping into the stall. She and Tracy still had a grip on each of the smaller woman's arms.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," Janice replied, with more confidence than she felt. "You guys go get cleaned up. Thanks so much for all your help tonight; I really appreciate it. We can clean up the bathroom afterwards."

"Okay, just call us if you need us," Tracy said, squeezing Beth's arm and shutting the stall door.

The left the bathroom a moment later, and Janice looked at Beth who was standing there with her head down, watching as mud and water swirled down the drain.

"Beth, I am so sorry," she whispered brokenly, willing herself not to break down. "Are you okay?"

"I don't want to talk to you," Beth muttered, still not looking up.

Janice sniffled and nodded. "That's fair. I understand. I'm going to help you in here and then I'll leave you alone for the night, if that's what you want."

Beth looked like she was about to answer, when she suddenly slipped again, and Janice grabbed her quickly, holding onto her tightly to keep her from falling. "Are you alright?" She could feel Beth's legs buckling, so she gently lowered her down to sit on the tiled floor, crouching down beside her. "Is it easier for you to sit down here?"

Beth nodded and pulled her knees up to her chest again, resting her head against them and closing her eyes. Janice reached out to smooth a hand over her hair and then stopped herself. Her heart felt like it was breaking as she stood back up and detached the shower head to pull it down so it would reach the smaller woman.

The water was warm and soothing, and she ran it over Beth's hair and the parts of her body that weren't all folded up protectively. An incredible amount of dirt was becoming dislodged from her hair and skin, and the bottom of the shower stall was turning brown. Janice let the shower head hang down on its own while she poured some shampoo into her hands and lathered it up. She began working it into Beth's hair, and the other woman leaned her head back, her eyes still screwed shut. She couldn't help gently massaging Beth's head as she washed her hair, just wanting her to relax and be more comfortable. What they were doing felt so intimate and Janice wished that Beth would open her eyes or talk to her. She just wanted them to connect, but they seemed further away from each other than ever now.

She rinsed the shampoo out and dribbled some conditioner into her hair. It smelled lovely in the shower stall now, like freshly bloomed lilacs, and there was a little less mud being washed down the drain. After she rinsed the conditioner out, Janice grabbed the wash cloth that Amanda had left for her and lathered it up with soap.

"Hey, Beth," she said softly, crouching down next to her again. "I need to wash your body now. Your hair's all done. Or do you want to do it yourself?"

Beth finally opened her eyes and lethargically unfolded herself, leaning back against the tile wall and stretching her legs out in front of her. She didn't answer and kept her gaze on the floor, making no move to take the cloth from Janice.

"Okay, I'll do it," Janice whispered, and gently picked up one of her arms and began running the cloth over it. She washed the other arm, and her chest, stomach, and legs, trying to be quick but thorough, as there seemed to be mud lodged everywhere.

"Okay, here, lean into me." Janice sat crossed legged on the floor in front of Beth, and gently guided the smaller woman closer to her, so she could reach behind her and wash her back. She was rubbing the cloth down her spine and across her ribs, when she felt Beth start to shake.

"Hey, are you okay?" She put the cloth down and gripped her arms, wondering if she was having another panic attack, but the medication had been keeping her pretty mellow, so she wasn't sure if that was the problem. Beth was still leaning into her, her head practically against her chest, so she took the chance and lightly wrapped her arms around her back, drawing her closer. "Please talk to me."

Beth hadn't shown a lot of emotion since the anti-anxiety medication had kicked in, but now she raised her head to look Janice in the eye. "How could you do this to me?" she whispered, and Janice had never heard so much hurt packed into such a short sentence.

She bit her lip and had to look away, as the smaller woman's gaze was quite intense despite the drugs, and the familiar wave of guilt and shame washed over her again. Beth was huddled in the bottom of the shower stall, soaked and still shivering even though the water was hot, looking frail and tiny, but somehow she was still an imposing figure. Her words cut Janice to the bone.

"I'm so sorry," she said again, her voice low and gravelly. "What I did was wrong, but I need to explain it to you, Beth. Please let me. Maybe now is not the right time, but we need to have a discussion about it at some point."

Beth lowered her head again; her strength seemed sapped by uttering that one sentence. "It doesn't matter, Janice. Nothing matters anymore."

Janice got a cold feeling in the pit of her stomach and she grabbed the other woman's arms again, this time a little more firmly. "It does matter, Beth. When you're feeling up to it, we need to talk. And I'm sorry, but I'm taking back what I said before. I'm not leaving you alone tonight. You can sleep in your own bed and I'll sleep on the floor, but we're staying in the same room whether you like it or not."

Beth sighed in resignation, turning away from her to rest her head against the wall. It was all Janice could do to stop herself from reaching out and pulling the smaller woman into her arms and holding her. She wanted so badly to soothe away the hurt, like she usually did, but she didn't know how to fix it this time.

Beth remained in that position, not saying anything, her eyes closed again, so Janice took the opportunity to wash her back properly this time. Now that she was clean, she was noticing some more scrapes and bruises that had been hidden by the mud and dirt beforehand. She trailed her fingers down part of a particularly long scrape starting halfway down her back and disappearing under her butt. "Beth, what happened out there?" she asked softly. "Did you fall a lot? How come we found you lying on the ground?"

Beth put her hands up over her ears and began rocking back and forth slowly. "No, stop."

Janice frowned in concern and reached out to take one of her hands down and squeeze it. "It's okay, we don't need to talk about it right now. But we need to soon, Beth. We need to talk about a lot of things."

"I want another pill," Beth said quietly.

Janice raised her eyebrows, surprised. "Okay, I'll get another one from Tracy when we're done in here. Is the anxiety still bad? You seem better than you were."

"I just need to get it out of my head," Beth replied, still rocking, and Janice put a hand on her back to make the motion stop. "I just want to get some sleep. I just don't want to think about anything."

"You need to get what out of your head, honey?" Janice wasn't sure if the other woman was referring to Ray or what had happened with Molly earlier.

"It hurts," Beth whimpered, and Janice reached up to quickly turn the shower off. She could tell they were headed down a bad road again, so it was probably best to get the smaller woman dried off and out of the bathroom and into bed.

"What hurts, Beth?" she whispered, leaning over to open the door and grab one of the towels that Amanda had left for them. She wrapped the small woman inside, the large towel dwarfing her, and rubbed her hands vigorously up and down her arms to try to warm her up.

"Everything." Beth's voice was broken and Janice swallowed around the sudden lump in her throat. She pulled a towel around herself and then led her out onto the wet floor, sitting down on the closed toilet lid and bringing Beth down onto her lap. She couldn't stop herself anymore; she needed some physical contact, and despite everything they had been through that night, she knew Beth did too.

"I'm sorry, babe," she said softly, rocking her gently.

Beth was stiff in her arms, and Janice worked one of her hands underneath the towel to massage along her spine, trying to get her to relax. Although the smaller woman was quiet, she seemed very ill at ease.

There was complete silence in the bathroom for several minutes, and Janice listened as the storm died down outside and Amanda and Tracy took turns using the shower in the master bathroom. She looked around at the mess they had made, wet towels and muck strewn all over the floor, and she sighed in exhaustion, just wishing she could curl up in bed with Beth and they could both have a peaceful night's sleep. She had no idea what time it was at that point, but she figured it was sometime in the wee hours of the morning.

A soft knock sounded at the door, and Tracy poked her head in, giving them a worried smile. "Hey guys, how's it going in here?" Her long blonde hair was wet and combed out down her back and she was clad in a large green sweatshirt with black leggings.

"It's okay," Janice murmured, glancing at Beth, her head slumped down and her eyes closed. She didn't seem to be happy on Janice's lap, but she wasn't trying to pull away either. Janice figured she was just too tired to put up much of a fight, and was torn between needing comfort and wanting nothing to do with her. "I'm just going to help Beth get dried off and dressed and then we'll head to bed. I'm going to stay in her room, but on the floor. And she mentioned needing another pill."

"Oh yeah, no problem," Tracy replied. "I can go get one right now."

"I want to go with you, Tracy," Beth mumbled, raising her head, her eyes looking unfocused again. "You can stay in my bed with me tonight. Please?"

"Oh, uh, sure," Tracy said slowly, looking at Janice with a hesitant expression.

Janice nodded sadly, unsurprised, and gave Tracy a wan smile. "Sure, Beth, if that's what you want. I'm still sleeping on your floor, though. I'll go put some pajamas on and help Amanda clean up in here while you guys get situated." She didn't feel the need to tell Tracy why she still wanted to be close to Beth after all that had happened. She didn't need to know the disturbing comment Beth had made earlier in the shower. Janice would be there to watch over her and make sure she was safe. It was the least she could do.

Tracy helped Beth to her feet and wrapped an arm around her waist, leading her slowly from the bathroom. As they left, she looked back at Janice in concern, but Beth didn't even spare her a glance. Janice sat there for a moment, staring blankly at the wall, her thoughts in complete turmoil. This whole vacation had been insane roller coaster, the highs and lows never seeming to end, and she was bone tired. Guilt and worry gnawed at her brain, but so did the desperate need for sleep.

She wearily trudged back to her own room, which seemed empty without Beth there, and began digging through her suitcase for some warmer nightwear. The storm had cleared out all the heat and it was quite cool now, especially since the air conditioning was still running. She glanced at her phone lying on the bed, and had a half a mind to call up Molly and scream at her for what she had started that night, but was too tired to even check if the other woman had called or texted again.

When she returned to the bathroom, Amanda was already in there on her hands and knees on the floor, gathering up saturated towels. Her long wet hair was pulled into a ponytail that hung down her back, and she had a robe on over blue pajamas.

"Hey," she said gently as Janice joined her on the floor. "I saw Tracy getting Beth settled back down for the night. How's she doing?"

Janice shrugged. "She's calm, at least, so that's good. Other than that, not so well. I think something happened when she was out in the woods, something other than just getting caught in the storm. And she's furious with me and just plain sad, I think. She doesn't trust me anymore. I can't believe how badly I've screwed things up."

Amanda laid a sympathetic hand on her shoulder. "You'll work it out. Just give it some time. The situation is exacerbated by everything else that she's going through right now. I don't know the details but I know it's been very traumatic and life-changing for her."

"I think we all need to talk tomorrow," Janice said firmly. "Beth and I have a lot to talk about, and she needs to talk to you and Tracy as well. Obviously we're not going to force her to do so and if she doesn't want to, that's her choice. But I think you guys need to know what's going on. I know you must be really confused about the stuff that's been happening since we've been here. I was confused too, but I understand better now. And she needs all the support she can get, especially since..." Janice swallowed hard and looked away. "Especially since I might not be in the picture anymore."

"Oh, Janice," Amanda dropped the pile of towels she was holding and pulled her into a hug.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm not really going anywhere," Janice said, wiping her eyes quickly. "I told Beth I would never leave her, no matter what. But she might want me to back off for awhile. And even if we can't repair our relationship, I'm still going to be there for her."

Amanda tightened her arms around her for a moment before pulling away and swiping at her own eyes, which looked a little teary. "Just give it time, Janice. We'll see what we can sort out tomorrow, after everyone's had a good sleep. We don't leave until Saturday morning, so we'll have the whole day to deal with this."

Janice sighed. "I'm really sorry, Amanda. I know this wasn't what you had in mind for a fun getaway with the girls."

"It's okay, Janice," the blonde woman replied softly. "I knew what I was getting into. I figured some stuff might come up once we got Beth away from the office and the non-stop work, and she had time with you. There's lots of time to think here, and I know she's trying to process a lot and work her way through some things. I just wanted to give her a break from the daily grind and let her have a bit of rest. And that goes for all of us. We all needed a break from things. And if we had some fun in the process, which I think we have, then even better."

They smiled at each other. "Thank you, Amanda. You're a good friend. Beth is lucky to have you. And Tracy too. And I'm so glad you and I have become closer. I really appreciate everything you've done this week for all of us."

They embraced each other again, and then continued with the clean up, which proved to be quite the task. They decided they wouldn't even bother trying to tackle the rest of the cottage and the inside of the SUV until the next day. They were exhausted by that point and bid each other a weary goodnight before heading into their respective rooms.

Janice grabbed a pillow and blanket from her bedroom and crept next door into Beth's room, her heart seizing painfully at the sight on the bed. Beth and Tracy were curled up under the covers together, Beth's head on Tracy's chest, Tracy's arms wrapped protectively around her best friend. They were both sound asleep and looked peaceful.

A tear ran down Janice's cheek as she quietly set up a little nest for herself on the floor and buried her head in her pillow, pulling her blanket up over her head. She was glad that Beth had someone there for her during this time, but she ached to be the one holding her and soothing her pain. She felt more alone than she had for a long time, and impatiently brushed away more tears that threatened to fall. All she wanted was to be sucked into the sweet oblivion of sleep. Maybe everything would look a little more hopeful in the morning.

There was sudden movement in the room and something being tossed onto the floor beside her, and Janice raised her head, squinting into the darkness. Amanda was kneeling on the floor next to her, arranging pillows and blankets.

"What are you doing?" Janice whispered, a smile quirking her lips.

"Having a slumber party," Amanda whispered back with a chuckle. "And I didn't want you to be all alone down here. I figured you could use the company."

This time the tears did fall, and Janice was glad it was dark. "Thank you so much, Amanda."

The blonde settled down beside her, getting comfortable, and then ran a hand through Janice's hair. "Have a good sleep."

"You too," Janice said softly. She closed her eyes and relished in the comfort of Amanda snuggled up beside her, and the deep, even breathing of Beth and Tracy in the bed above her. Sleep came quickly.

xxx

 _*Song lyrics are from Snow Patrol's "Make This Go On Forever"_


	15. Chapter 15

" _Existence well what does it matter?_

 _I exist on the best terms I can_

 _The past is now part of my future_

 _The present is well out of hand."_

xxx

Beth rolled over in bed, feeling groggy and out of sorts. She was confused and disoriented before realizing that she was not in her own room, and the person pressed up against in her back was Tracy, not Janice. She frowned as she stared up at the dark ceiling, the events of the evening coming back to her in a rush. There was a hint of light in the window, so she figured she had been able to sleep for a few hours. She could still feel the effects of the medication she had taken, and was able to remember what had taken place earlier without another panic attack threatening. She was overcome with feelings of sadness and hopelessness, but they felt controlled somehow, as she mentally went through everything that had happened.

She rolled onto her side and glanced at the floor, surprised to see Amanda lying beside Janice, both women bundled up in blankets. Amanda was dead to the world but Janice was sighing off and on and moving restlessly under the covers. Beth watched her for a few minutes, part of her still in disbelief at what had occurred between them during the storm. On the one hand she felt like she had been a silly melodramatic teenager running off the way she had and making the others search for her in the middle of the night during the horrendous weather. But on the other hand, she was stunned that Janice had lied to her for so long, that things between them had become so intense so quickly over the course of their vacation, and she had not said a word about Molly. The fact that the whole situation had come about in the midst of Beth's breakdown and right after telling the first person she'd ever told about the rapes, was definitely a contributing factor. The betrayal she felt was so strong it took her breath away.

She felt like she had come to a fork in the road and didn't know where to go from here. The love she felt for Janice was still so strong it consumed her, but she didn't know how she could trust the other woman again. It was like she had known all along that something like this would happen, that she was just too dark and damaged to be with anyone at all, let alone someone like Janice. She had the urge to just pack up her things and leave; cut her loses and run. She needed a fresh start, a new beginning elsewhere, a place where she could put her past behind her and could be whomever she wanted to be. Janice would eventually forget about her, like a bad dream, and move on with her life, with Molly, or someone more stable, someone who wasn't prone to insane drop-of-the-hat anxiety attacks and PTSD episodes, someone who didn't hallucinate being raped by a dead man in the middle of the woods.

Her stomach dropped as she thought about what had happened out there alone in the storm. It was more obvious than it had ever been to her that she needed help and she needed it now. As bad as things had been over the past several months, what had occurred in the forest was rock bottom. Even though she knew now that it hadn't happened, everything she had seen, heard, and felt was so real, that even now she was reliving it in her brain, second by second. She had been alone in the drenching rain and never ending flashes of lightning and rolling thunder, and all of a sudden Ray had been there. She had watched as he had advanced upon her, as the skin had melted from his bones, as he had ripped off her clothes and pushed himself into her.

She didn't know how long it had gone on for and had been so wrapped up in the delusion, it had taken her a few minutes to realize that Amanda, Janice, and Tracy had found her and were there to take her back to the cottage. Ray was nowhere to be seen, of course, and she was fully clothed in her saturated sweatshirt and jeans, her flip flops stuck in the mud. She didn't have a clear picture of everything that had taken place after the girls had located her in the woods, just sheer terror and exhaustion and wanting nothing more than to be clean and warm in bed. She remembered being in the shower with Janice and simultaneously wanting the other woman to comfort her and leave her alone.

The hallucination with Ray had never happened before and Beth knew the time had finally come to stop talking about getting help and to actually get it. It terrified her on a level that she hadn't been since being rescued. To realize that her mind was capable of such things shook her to the core. She also knew that it was time to come clean to Amanda and Tracy about what had happened at the cabin and what had been happening since. A lot of thing needed to be said to everyone. She didn't even know how to begin talking to Janice.

A tiny part of her had to admit that could see it from Janice's point of view and why the other woman had done what she had done. She knew it had been awful for Janice to watch her go through everything and even worse for her when Beth had just pushed her away and locked her out of every aspect of her life. She now knew that Janice had abandonment issues stemming from her broken childhood. She was struggling with all these separate pieces that were all somehow connected. It was too much; she was still way too tired, the medication that was still in her system begging her to sink back down into oblivion. She closed her eyes, hoping dreamless sleep would come again quickly. She just couldn't deal with all of this right now.

Just as Beth was drifting off, she heard a rustling on the floor and cracked an eye open, peering over the edge of the bed. Janice was curled into a tight ball on her side, her back to the bed, her knees pulled up to her chest, her arms locked over her head, shaking hard. Beth didn't know if she was awake or having a nightmare, but her heart ached as she stared down at the woman she loved. Her emotions were so mixed, her feelings all over the place, but no matter how upset she was, it killed her to see Janice suffering.

She sat up in the bed and waited a second for her head to stop spinning. She pushed back the covers and slipped her legs over the side, making sure her feet were firmly planted on the floor before kneeling down next to the taller woman. Placing a tentative hand on Janice's back, she could feel her trembling. Janice didn't roll over to face her but she lowered her arms away from her head and seemed to relax a bit. Beth figured she was having a nightmare, so she sat down cross legged on the floor beside her, softly stroking her back. Janice was quiet and still after a few minutes, her eyes closed, her breathing evening out, and Beth's hand stilled on her back. She sat there, staring into the gloom of the room, feeling too exhausted to get back up into the bed with Tracy. She glanced over at Janice again and then laid down on the floor beside her, pulling a corner of the blanket over herself and closing her eyes. She was asleep immediately.

When Beth awoke again sometime later, it was still silent in the bedroom but weak sunlight was filtering through the window. She had been unconsciously spooning Janice from behind, and she felt someone pressed up against her own back, an arm wrapped her stomach. She struggled to sit up in the nest of blankets on the floor, and allowed herself a second of amusement when she saw her friends. Sometime over the last few hours, Tracy had found her way down to the floor, and was snuggled up behind Beth, who was pressed up against Janice. And Janice was spooning Amanda, her arm around the blonde lawyer's waist. A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth as she looked at them, a train of bodies underneath the covers, each person trying to bring comfort to the next.

A soft noise suddenly sounded in the corner of the room and Beth turned her head sharply, trying to see through the mid-morning gloom. The pale sunlight didn't quite reach the corners of the bedroom, and she squinted her eyes, but still couldn't see anything. The scraping of something across the floor, like the scuffing of a shoe, suddenly had the hair on her arms standing on end. Each of her friends were lined up on the floor with her, so either someone had broken in while they were sleeping, or...

" _Michelle."_

Beth's breath caught in her throat and she squeezed her eyes shut. "You're not real," she whispered.

Deep male laughter answered her. She heard heavy footsteps start walking in her direction and then abruptly stop. "Open your eyes, Michelle."

"No. _No._ Please leave me alone."

More footsteps, which sounded like they had stopped right in front of her. Hot breath ruffled her long hair, and then the breath was right in her face, sour and stinking of rot.

"OPEN YOUR EYES, BITCH."

Beth gasped, her eyes flying open. No one was there.

She looked around wildly, her heart racing, but the room was empty, other than the four of them. She clutched a hand to her chest, her head bowed and sweat beading on her forehead, and tried to catch her breath. Glancing quickly around at her friends, she was relieved to see them all still sleeping.

Beth slowly eased herself out from underneath the blankets, wincing as her foot grazed Tracy's shoulder. She got to her feet and shuffled unsteadily over to the nightstand where the baggie of anti-anxiety pills were. The ones she had taken the night before had worn off, and she clearly needed another one. She looked over at Tracy and hoped her friend didn't mind how many she was taking. She popped one under her tongue and tucked a couple more into the pocket of her sweatpants.

"Are you okay, Beth?" a soft voice asked.

Beth whirled around to see Janice sitting up in the nest of covers, rubbing her eyes, and looking like she hadn't slept a wink. Her strawberry blonde hair was sticking out in all directions and her sleep shirt was rumpled and hanging loose like she had lost weight.

"I'm fine," she muttered, trying to surreptitiously replace the baggie without the other woman noticing.

"I can see what you're doing," Janice said quietly, one eyebrow raised. "You don't have to hide it from me. I know you're having a rough time. It's okay if you need to take more."

"Well, thanks for giving me your permission," Beth snapped, her eyes narrowing. "Even though they're Tracy's, not yours." She felt like a belligerent teenager, snarling at Janice like that, but the blind hurt and anger she had felt the night before was bubbling to the surface again, and she knew she needed to leave before she woke up their friends. She figured Amanda and Tracy had witnessed enough drama between the two of them the previous night, and probably weren't eager to see more.

Janice rubbed her hands over her face and sighed. "I'm sorry, Beth. I'm sorry for everything, okay?" Instead of sounding distraught, like she had earlier, Janice just sounded resigned and beaten down.

Beth looked at her intently for a moment, trying to swallow down a wave of sympathy, resisting the urge to just walk over to her and give in, throwing herself into the other woman's arms and forgiving her transgressions. But then the conversation she had had on the phone with Molly replayed itself in her head, and the horrific situation that her mind had created in the woods, and she took a step toward the bedroom door, desperate to get away. She couldn't deal with Janice's guilt.

"I'm going outside to the dock," she said calmly, looking away from the taller woman. "Please don't follow me this time."

"Beth, I don't think that's a good idea-"

"I didn't ask for your opinion," Beth cut in swiftly. "I'm a grown woman and I want to go sit outside on the dock and spend some time alone. I don't need your damn permission, Janice."

The other woman was silent for a moment. "Okay," she said softly. "You're right. You don't need anyone's permission. But if you need me, I'm here."

"So you keep saying," Beth muttered. "See you later, Janice." She closed the door quietly behind her, even though she wanted to slam it shut as hard as she could, and then yank it open just so she could slam it shut again.

She hurried down the stairs, stopping short when she saw the dried muddy footprints and clumps of dirt all over the floor, the trail leading to the front door. She remembered lying in oozing muck on the forest floor, the hallucination of dead man over top of her, and she pressed her fingers to her eyes, willing the medication to kick in faster. She didn't want to think about anything; she just wanted to be quiet and calm and still.

Her flip flops were lying by the front door, caked in so much mud, they looked like they had turned brown, so she slid her feet into her sandals and walked across the great room and out the sliding glass door, leading onto the deck. She took a deep breath, the air fresh and cool, everything washed clean by the storm. The sun was struggling to come out from behind the clouds, but it was beautiful outside, the wind low and the birds singing.

The lake was very calm as she down cross legged on the dock, picking up a stone that was nearby and tossing it into the water. She rested her chin in her hand, watching the tiny ripples of water widen and disappear. Her gaze drifted out to the middle of the lake, and she fixed her eyes on the line where sky met water, feeling the effects of the medication start kicking in and willing her mind to just stay blank, no emotion of any kind welling to the surface.

She heard footsteps in the sand behind her and immediately tensed, reading to snap at Janice for not respecting her alone time, but then Amanda's kind voice asked "Is there room for one more?"

Beth turned her head to see the blonde woman standing there in jeans and a T-shirt, holding a sweater in one arm and a blanket in the other. The lawyer was looking at her with warmth and sympathy, no hint of judgment or pity.

"Sure," Beth replied, moving over on the dock to make space for her.

Amanda sat down beside her, pulling the sweater on, and draping the blanket over both of their laps. "Wow, I can't believe how much cooler it is out here today. It's such a nice break from all the heat."

Beth nodded in agreement, not saying anything, and she felt the taller woman softly touch her shoulder.

"Look, Beth, I was talking to Janice inside and she told me you wanted some time to yourself, but I really wanted to talk to you when the others weren't around. I hope you don't mind. I know you don't want to talk about the situation with Janice right now, so we won't."

Beth cocked her head to the side, curiosity getting the better of her. "Okay," she murmured.

Amanda took her hand under the blanket and gripped it firmly. "I was trying to think of a way to ask you this delicately, but I can't, so I'm just going to ask."

Beth stared at her, feeling a sudden knot in her stomach, despite the medication she had taken. Amanda was looking at her like she knew all of her secrets.

"Beth, honey, were you raped?" she asked, her voice very gentle. "Was that what happened in the cabin with Ray?"

Beth was stricken, her heart clenching painfully in her chest, and she tried to pull her hand away from the taller woman, her other hand in the pocket of her sweatpants, fingering one of the pills that she had put in there. She rolled it around in her fingers, fighting the urge to slip it under her tongue. She let the pill go, realizing she was going to crush it, and decided to see if she could get through this conversation without medicating herself even further.

Amanda held fast to her hand, linking their fingers together, and giving it a squeeze. "You can tell me."

"H-how did you know?" Beth choked out, feeling her palm start to sweat in the lawyer's grip.

Amanda gave her a gentle smile. "I know you try to hide things, Beth, but since we got here, there have been some things that I've recognized, some things that are familiar. We didn't spend enough time together before this vacation for me to pick up on them."

Beth frowned. "What do you mean, 'recognized'?"

Amanda sighed and looked away for a moment. "When I was a teenager, my younger sister was date raped."

Beth put a hand to her mouth, emitting a small gasp. "I'm sorry, Amanda."

The other woman looked back at her, her expression thoughtful. "She was only sixteen when it happened. I won't go into every single detail, because they're private, and it's not my story to tell. I will tell you that she didn't go to the hospital afterwards, didn't seek medical attention, and tried to pretend it didn't happen. She didn't tell anyone and was living in a state of denial. My family and I had no idea what was going on; just that this bright, smart, happy-go-lucky girl was changing day by day, before our eyes, and we didn't know how to help her. She stopped eating, lost weight, started missing day after day of school, dropped out of cheerleading and other activities she was involved in. She had night terrors and would flinch anytime one of us got too close. We didn't know what was happening until she started throwing up everyday and her belly grew bigger."

Beth watched her as she spoke, dark eyes wide, and found herself gripping Amanda's hand harder now, instead of trying to pull away.

"Long story short, when it became obvious that she was pregnant, the whole story came out. The boy was charged and there was a court case that didn't amount to much more than a slap on the wrist. She had a little girl and decided to give her up for adoption." Amanda quickly swiped a hand over one of her eyes. "I have niece somewhere out there that I think about every single day. She and my sister are the reason I became a lawyer."

Beth's eyes welled up and she blinked rapidly, looking away, and she felt Amanda lightly tugging her arm to get her to turn back around.

"I didn't tell you this to make you even more upset," she said quietly. "I told you because over the course of the past week, some things that were happening to you reminded me of what my sister had gone through. Some things were different, of course, but there were enough similarities to make me start to wonder."

Beth swallowed hard and fixed her gaze on Amanda's misty eyes. "Yes, Ray raped me in the cabin. More than once. And I became pregnant but I lost the baby."

Amanda nodded and the tears trickled down her cheeks. "I am so sorry that you went through that, Beth. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me."

"Thank you for caring," Beth whispered. "I'm sorry for what happened to your sister."

Amanda put an arm around her, pulling her close, and instead of shrugging away, Beth melted into her embrace, burying her head in the older woman's shoulder. Amanda rested her cheek against Beth's forehead, and they held onto each other for several minutes, not speaking, just looking out at the turquoise water and the rays of sunlight peeking through the clouds.

"Things will get better," Amanda finally whispered. "You have people who love you and are on your side and will do anything to help you. You aren't alone in this."

Beth nodded against her, not trusting herself to respond. The medication was holding the worst of her raw emotions at bay, but she felt like weeping. After so many months of holding everything inside, it was strange and somehow cathartic to be having this conversation for the second time in a few days. She was revealing more and more of herself to the people who loved her, and maybe that wasn't such a bad thing.

"Hey, can anyone get in on that hug?" Tracy's voice, half teasing, half concerned, sounded behind them.

Beth turned around in Amanda's embrace and smiled when she saw her best friend. Tracy was standing there uncertainly, twisting her hands around one another, and Beth wondered if her anxiety was bad as well.

"Come sit down with us," she said, holding out an arm to the other woman.

Tracy sat down on the other side of Beth, and they shared the blanket with her, draping it across her lap.

"How's it going out here?" she asked softly.

Beth glanced over at Amanda who smiled encouragingly at her, and then reached over to take her best friend's hand into her own.

"Tracy, I have something I need to tell you."

xxx

 _*Song lyrics are from Joy Division's Heart & Soul"_


	16. Chapter 16

" _Wait_

 _I'm coming undone_

 _Irate_

 _I'm coming undone_

 _Too late_

 _I'm coming undone_

 _One looks so strong_

 _So delicate_

 _Wait_

 _I'm starting to suffocate_

 _And soon I anticipate_

 _I'm coming undone_

 _One looks so strong_

 _So delicate."_

xxx

Janice stood at one of the gigantic windows in the great room, with her arms crossed, watching everyone down at the dock. It looked like a pretty intense, emotional conversation was going on, one to which she had not been invited. Amanda had her arm wrapped around Beth's back, and Beth had her face turned toward Tracy, whose shoulders were shaking. At first Janice had thought they were discussing the events of the previous night, but when she saw how upset Tracy looked, she straightened up, wondering if Beth was actually telling them about Ray.

The longer she stood there and watched, the more convinced she became that Beth was finally telling them. Even though it was Beth's story to tell, she couldn't help feeling a little shocked and betrayed, as she had just assumed she would be present when Beth finally told everyone, to lend moral support. She knew how hard it was for the other woman to talk about it, so she had figured that Beth would want her there if it got too hard, if it was too much.

Tracy was bent over at the waist now with Beth leaning over her back, holding onto her, and Janice's shoulders sagged. She had wanted to be present for the conversation, both to support Beth and to be there for her friends, whom she knew would have a hard time listening to it and taking it all in, especially Tracy.

She stood there with one hand pressed against the window, feeling forlorn and very, very alone. If only the events of the previous night had not taken place, she would have been out there with everyone right now. If only Beth could have controlled her curiosity and Molly could have controlled her constant need to text and call. If only Janice could have been honest in the first place.

She continued to watch the scene on the dock intently, even though she knew she probably shouldn't be. Every one of them looked like they were crying now, and she was desperate to go out there and lend her comfort where it was needed, but she knew it wouldn't be welcome, at least by Beth.

She stared at the woman she loved, and despite feeling so hurt and left out, she was so very proud of her. She was taking a huge step right now, one which Janice hadn't been sure she was ever going to take. And if she was being honest with herself, it was a relief not to have to carry such a huge secret alone anymore, being the only one who knew what had happened between Beth and Ray. Now that Amanda and Tracy knew as well, they could support each other. Janice would have someone to talk to.

And based on what had happened earlier that morning, she knew she needed to talk to someone. She had heard Beth's one-sided conversation when she was laying in the nest of blankets on the floor with their friends. She had awakened to Beth's whispering voice, and had at first thought she was talking to one of the girls, but there had been no response from either of them, and Beth had continued to talk, like someone else was in the room. Then she had jolted up from the floor like something had terrified her, and when Janice had opened her eyes, she had been digging around for more pills.

She needed Beth to try to put her anger behind her, at least for the time being, and sit down and have a conversation, because Janice was beyond concerned now. Her thoughts flashed back to the night before, to Beth laying on the ground in the woods, the screaming, the terror, and then the silence, like whatever had happened was too horrifying to speak of. If Beth was seeing and talking to someone who wasn't actually there, this went beyond anything that any of them were capable of handling. Beth needed help and she needed it as soon as possible.

Tracy suddenly stood up from the dock, her face awash in tears and said something to Beth, hugging her quickly before pulling away and starting to walk back toward the cottage. Beth said something back, holding out an arm to her, and she and Amanda watched her for a moment before sitting back down again. Janice stepped away from the window and went to sit down on the couch, not wanting Tracy to know she had been spying on them. She picked up a magazine from the coffee table, spreading it across her lap, and sat there, waiting for the blonde woman to come back inside.

There were no footsteps on the deck and no one came to the sliding glass door and Janice wrinkled her nose in confusion, looking around. A noise sounded on the porch, and she stood up and walked to the front door, peering through the screen and spotting Tracy bent over on the ground, retching onto the soaking wet lawn.

"Oh, shit." Janice hurried outside, the door swinging open so hard, it slammed into the outside of the cottage and swung shut again. "Tracy!"

She squatted down next to the other woman, pulling her long hair away from her face while she continued throwing up. "It's okay, Tracy, just take it easy." She rubbed her back soothingly and winced while her friend choked again, bringing up nothing but bile now.

She realized that Tracy was sobbing so hard she could hardly catch her breath, and she hugged the other woman against her chest, holding her tightly. "I know Beth told you, Tracy. I'm so sorry, honey. I know that must have been hard to hear."

Tracy clung to her for a moment before pulling away abruptly, and dry heaving again. She couldn't seem to stop and Janice held her hair and rubbed her back again, until it seemed like she was finally done.

"Are you okay, Trace?" she asked softly, as she helped the other woman to her feet. Tracy was shaking so badly she could hardly stand, and Janice led her over to the porch swing and sat her down gently before taking a seat beside her and putting an arm around her trembling form.

"How did I not know?" Tracy choked out. "I'm such an incredible idiot. What kind of best friend am I? I _lived_ with her for a month afterwards, and I didn't know. She went through so much and suffered alone for all this time. I was so proud of myself for getting help and trying so hard to get on with my life, and from time to time I wondered why Beth didn't seem to be capable of doing the same." She covered her hand with her mouth, looking completely overwhelmed. "Oh my god."

Janice stroked her hair back from her wet, blotchy face. "Shh, Tracy, it's not your fault. Beth chose not to tell anyone what happened to her. She had her reasons for keeping it to herself, but it was ultimately her decision. You've done everything you could for her since it happened. You've been an amazing friend."

Tracy turned to her, looking stricken. "Janice, that night in the junkyard...when Ray left me in the trunk of that car because he said he was going after Beth...oh my god, I didn't know he was going after her for _that_ reason. I knew he was obsessed with her, but..." Tracy trailed off, looking queasy again, and she closed her eyes for a moment. "I was terrified when Ray left me there, not because I thought I was going to die in that junkyard, but because I knew he was going to try to get to Beth. But I didn't think he would succeed. I thought he would be caught before he got to her place. I didn't know he was going to shoot Ben, I didn't know he was going to..."

Janice hugged Tracy to her chest again, her heart aching for the other woman. She knew all the emotions she was going through, the guilt, the anger, the shock, the sadness. It was so hard to process it all.

"If only I had kept him there," Tracy was murmuring. "If only I had done something to keep him in that junkyard. I heard him murder Perry after he locked me in that trunk. He beat him to death. After all the awful things that Perry had done, he ended up trying to save my life, and then Ray killed him and went after Beth...why didn't I stop him? I could have, I could have stopped him..."

"Tracy," Janice said sharply, cutting into her rambling. "It was not your fault," she repeated. "You had no control over the situation and you did everything you could to keep yourself alive. You kept your cool under pressure and you're here right now, with your friends, with the people who love you. What happened to Beth is the fault of Ray and no one else's, do you hear me? Ray was responsible for his own actions. He knew exactly what he was doing."

Tracy stared at her, tears streaming down her face. "Oh god, Janice, how is she ever going to get over this?"

Janice bit her lip as hard as she could to keep her own tears at bay. "I don't know, Trace. But she has all of us to help her and we're never going to give up on her."

Tracy sniffled, wiping a hand across her nose. "Janice, you need to fix things with Beth. She needs you more than ever right now. Normally I would tell you to give her her space, but you know what? Screw her space."

Janice snorted out a surprised laugh and squeezed the other woman's arm. "I don't really know what to do right now, Tracy." She frowned. "Hey, are you okay?"

The other woman had gone sheet white and was breathing hard. "Yeah," she gasped out. "I'll be okay. Just a panic attack. I haven't had one for awhile. It'll pass soon."

"Come on." Janice grasped Tracy's arm and helped her gently to her feet. "Let me walk you up to your room so you can lay down for a bit. I can bring you a pill, if you want. I think they're still in Beth's room."

She looped her arm through Tracy's, and they went inside and up the stairs. Janice retrieved the baggie of pills and got Tracy tucked into bed. She hovered over her for a moment, remembering Beth's out-of-control panic attacks and how the smaller woman always wanted her nearby, but Tracy already seemed to be settling down and assured her that she would fine after she rested for a bit.

Janice leaned down to place a kiss on her forehead, making her promise to let her know if she needed anything, and then she closed the door quietly and headed back downstairs. A quick glance out the window confirmed that Beth and Amanda were still out on the dock, heads bowed deep in conversation, and Janice frowned, feeling a bit disconcerted with how the day was progressing. She was glad Beth wasn't holding her pain in anymore, but she couldn't help feeling separated from the group and more alone than she had been for awhile.

She decided to get to work, cleaning up the disastrous mess from the night before, alternately sweeping and scrubbing away at the chunks of mud clumped throughout the main floor of the cottage and up the stairs. When that was taken care of, she tackled the neglected dishes in the kitchen, realizing nobody had eaten any breakfast, but not feeling up to preparing a meal. When the kitchen was spotless, she was tired and sweaty, dragging an arm across her forehead, and tucking an apple into her pocket for something to munch on.

Beth and Amanda had moved over to the hammock and were sitting in it together, swinging back and forth, still chatting away, and Tracy was still in bed, so Janice decided it would be a good time to get cleaned up. She took her time in the shower, lathering and rinsing repeatedly, hoping the soothing hot water would wash away her sour mood. She felt agitated and frustrated and tried desperately to ignore the creeping sadness that was threatening to take over. She and Beth had done nothing more than have a quick, angry conversation that morning, and she already missed the smaller woman so much. She rested her head against the shower stall tiles and closed her eyes, hoping they could get some things resolved that day. If not, it was going to be one long awkward trip back to Los Angeles the next morning.

After her shower, she moved through her bedroom slowly, drying off and pulling on the day's clothes, brushing her hair and leaving it to hang wet down her back. She sat on the bed for several minutes, staring at her phone, before turning it on. She was mildly surprised when there was no dings indicating missed calls and messages. Maybe Molly had finally decided to back off. Again she wrestled with the decision of calling the other woman and giving her hell for the night before, but ultimately decided to wait until she was back in the city. She was furious with her for the things she had said to Beth, but she could only deal with one thing at a time, and right now it more important to have a conversation with her boss.

Janice frowned, wondering if that's how it was going to be from now on, just boss and employee again, like it had been after the abduction. She didn't think she could go through that again, especially after all they been through this past week. She didn't think she would be able to get over it this time.

Scrubbing her hands over her face, she sighed and got to her feet, wandering out into the hallway. The door to Tracy's room was open and she went over to the railing, leaning on it and looking down into the great room. All three of the girls were gathered on the couch, Amanda in the middle, paging through old photo albums and giggling. Amanda had a stack of them at her feet and there were more spilling out from under the coffee table. It looked like the day had taken a lighter turn, and she watched as Beth put a hand over her mouth, smothering a laugh, when Amanda pointed out a picture of herself from high school.

Unexpected tears sprang to her eyes as she gazed down at them, feeling like she wasn't even part of the group anymore and wondering if they would even notice if she just spent the day alone in her bedroom. She was desperate to talk to Beth, but the other woman seemed completely uninterested, and was doing better than Janice thought she would be doing that day. She seemed content with Amanda and Tracy, reaching over to shove her best friend playfully after she had made an unflattering comment about another of Amanda's high school photos.

"Um, Beth?"

There was sudden silence and all three of them stopped what they were doing to stare up at her. Amanda and Tracy both smiled welcomingly but Beth's gaze was flat, unemotional, betraying nothing of how she was feeling.

"Can we talk?" Janice hedged, suddenly feeling put on the spot with everyone's eyes upon her.

"Not now, Janice," Beth said flippantly, waving a dismissive hand at her. "Maybe later, okay?" She bent back over the photo album, turning the page, and making a comment about one of the old pictures.

Janice stood there, feelings of jealously, resentment and hopelessness flooding through her, and she quickly blinked back her tears; there was no way she was going to stand there and cry in front of them, begging Beth to take her back or to at least speak to her.

Amanda and Tracy were quiet, alternately glancing up at her and then back down at the photo album, and she felt bad for putting them in the middle of yet another awkward situation. Beth continued to thoroughly ignore her, acting like she wasn't even there, and Janice felt a sudden anger bubble up inside her.

"You know what, I think I'm just going to head back to the city a day early. I'm going to go pack."

Beth's head shot up at that, but she didn't respond, just staring at Janice in silence, her lips pressed tightly together.

"Janice, you don't have to do that," Amanda said softly. "How are you even going to get there?"

"You could take that old rickety truck outside," Tracy said with a nervous laugh. "But it would probably break down halfway there."

Janice shrugged. "Lake Tahoe has buses, doesn't it? I'm sure I can figure something out."

"Janice, you're being ridiculous," Amanda replied, her voice a little more stern. "By the time you figure out how to get back and then actually travel all the way there, we will probably have beaten you home in the SUV. Why don't we just try to have a nice, relaxing day today and then head home in the morning, like we had planned?" She glanced around at everyone, no one else saying a word. "Or we can pack up and go home today, if that's what everyone wants. But whatever we do, we're doing it together. No one is splitting up for the trip back to L.A."

Janice stood there in rigid silence, staring down at Beth, willing her to say something, anything, but all the other woman did was sigh and shake her head, getting up off the couch to walk into the kitchen.

"Does anyone want breakfast?" Janice heard her say, and the anger ratcheted up another notch.

"For fuck's sake," she muttered, thundering down the stairs. "I've had it! I've had it with this whole damn vacation! I'm sorry I even came, since all I seem to do is fuck everything up."

"Janice, stop-" Amanda stated to say, setting the photo album aside and standing up from the couch.

"Beth, I'm sorry, okay!" Janice cried, as the other woman came to the door of the kitchen, holding the coffee pot in one hand. "I don't know what else to say to you, except from the bottom of my heart, I am so very, very sorry. I'm sorry for not getting to the cabin in time, I'm sorry for not telling you about Molly." She angrily swiped at a tear that was threatening to spill down her cheek. "I honestly don't know what else to say."

Beth was staring at her, that guarded look gone now, and she set the coffee pot down and took a step toward her.

"Please, Beth, can we just have a conversation?" Janice said, her voice breaking. "You owe me that much."

She knew immediately that it was the wrong thing to say, as the smaller woman's eyes narrowed and her hands clenched into fists. She wished she could take it back, hadn't even meant to say it, but it was already out there, the words hanging between them.

"I _owe_ you?" Beth hissed, her words sounded strangled. "Please tell me why you think I owe you, Janice. Do I owe you for dating another woman while telling me you're in love with me? Do I owe you for making me believe that I actually had some kind of future with you, something to look forward to? Do I owe for you for telling that ridiculous, malicious woman what a cold, unfeeling bitch I am?"

Beth was shaking now and her eyes had filled with tears, and Janice's heart felt like it was being torn in two.

"No, no," she whispered, shaking her head. "I didn't mean to say that, Beth, I really didn't. You don't owe me anything at all. I'm so sorry for everything."

They stood in silence, all four of them, and the quiet had never sounded so deafening.

Janice's throat was closing up and she felt like someone had their hands locked around her neck, the grip getting tighter and tighter. She took a shaky step toward the front door, her knees about to buckle, and she willed herself to stay upright.

"I'm just going to go, okay?" she said softly.

"Where are you going, Janice?" Tracy's voice sounded choked up.

"I don't know, just out. Maybe I'll walk into town or something. I won't go back to L.A.," she added, looking over at Amanda. "I'll leave whenever you guys want to go. But I just need to get out of here right now. I can't stand it."

She didn't look at Beth as she walked toward the door, roughly sliding her feet into her sandals, and stepping out onto the porch. She strode away from the cottage at a quick pace, half hoping the other woman would try to follow her, but when she glanced behind her, no one was there. She was alone.

xxx

 _*Song lyrics from Korn's "Coming Undone"_


	17. Chapter 17

" _Love breaks the chains_

 _Love aches for everyone one of us_

 _Love takes the tears and the pain_

 _And turns it in-_

 _To the beauty that remains."_

xxx

Beth stared numbly out the front door, watching as Janice strode purposefully down the gravel driveway and turned the corner, disappearing onto the road. She had half a mind to run after her, but she felt frozen to the spot, unable to even take a step.

"Should we go after her?" she heard Tracy whisper behind her.

"I don't know," Amanda said quietly. "I think she just needs to cool off for a bit."

"I'm not sure if she should be alone when she's this upset," Tracy replied. "I think I should go get her. She was just there for me when I was falling apart a little while ago. I can't just ignore her."

Beth's heart seized painfully in her chest, knowing she was doing just that – ignoring Janice when she was falling apart. And the other woman had been there for her best friend when she had received the devastating news from Beth. Janice had never stopped being there, for all of them, no matter how many mistakes she had made.

She had never felt so conflicted in her life, as she stood there at the front door, one hand on the window pane, still feeling so hurt and betrayed, yet willing Janice to come back anyway. But the other woman didn't return, and she turned away from the door to face her friends.

Tracy and Amanda were regarding her with serious expressions, and Tracy reached out to touch her shoulder.

"I'm not even going to bother to ask if you're okay, Beth, because I know you're not," she said softly. "I know what Janice did was wrong, and I can't imagine how you must be feeling, but you need to fix this. She's begging you for forgiveness and you're giving her the cold shoulder. Can't you at least talk to her, at least _try_ to work it out?"

"It's not that simple, Tracy," Beth muttered, feeling her anger rise again, this time toward the blonde woman, and she pushed it down, not wanting to have another explosive conversation, especially so soon after finally telling Tracy what had happened to her.

She scrubbed her hands over her face, yanking them back through her hair in frustration, and then glanced over at Amanda. "Some vacation, huh?" she murmured. "Aren't you glad you invited us?"

The corner of Amanda's lip turned up and she shook her head. "It'll definitely go down in history as the most...interesting...vacation I've ever been on."

Beth smiled wryly. "'Interesting' is definitely the most polite way to describe it. 'Chaotic', 'awkward', 'crazy'...all better words." Her hand was in her pocket again, fingering the pills she had tucked away in there. She kept trying to numb everything that was happening, but the feelings kept trickling through. Again, she resisted the urge to slip another one under her tongue.

"Am I a terrible person?" she suddenly whispered.

"No, honey, of course not," Amanda replied, squeezing her hand. "You're human. You're hurt and you're angry, and you have a right to be. I would be too, if it was me in your place. But Beth, you need to look at it from Janice's point of view too."

"I can kind of see it," Beth admitted, fixing her gaze on the floor. "I know I've been a ghost these past few months. I probably shouldn't even blame her. But if you could have heard that woman on the phone, that _Molly_ person, the things she said..." she trailed off, pressing a hand over her mouth. "To hear that the person you love most in the world has said those things about you, after everything that's happened, after the cabin, and-and the baby..." She was stuttering through her words now and she stopped talking.

Tracy walked over to her and put her arms around her. "Beth, I know the things Janice said were terrible, but she told us herself that she didn't mean to say them. It was just a desperate need to hold onto someone. She was so alone, like you were. Sometimes we do and say crazy things when we think we're going to lose someone." She looked Beth in the eye. "Or when we think we've already lost them."

Beth nodded and pulled away, swallowing down an intense wave of emotion and strengthening her resolve. "I need to go get her. Amanda, can I have the keys to the truck? I know the SUV is probably still a mess from last night."

"No problem." Amanda picked the keys up off the kitchen counter and handed them to her. "Go find her and bring her home, honey."

The three of them embraced quickly and then Beth left the cottage, hurrying to the truck, and climbing inside. The old vehicle roared to life, sounding a little worse for wear, and she backed out of the driveway, turning onto the road. She figured Janice would just follow the main road into town, like they had the other day, and would not veer off for a walk in the woods, considering what had happened the night before. She couldn't have gotten that far.

She drove slowly, keeping her eyes peeled for the tall, lanky woman with the strawberry blonde ponytail. She let her eyes roam over cottages and cabins and trees, people walking their dogs, groups of teenagers in bathing suits whipping each other with towels, old couples walking hand in hand. There seemed to be people everywhere, so she kept a close look out, craning her neck every time she passed anyone who remotely resembled Janice.

She kept driving, the cottages spreading out and the trees becoming more abundant, and she frowned, surprised the other woman had gotten so far so quickly. Suddenly she glimpsed a flash of strawberry blonde hair at the edge of the road, in the ditch, and she veered sharply to the side, her heart in her throat.

"Janice!" she called out the window, the truck skidding to an awkward stop in the dirt, and she was relieved when the other woman lifted her head and turned toward her.

She slid out of the driver's seat, stumbling a little, and jogged over to the edge of the road, where the land slid gently down into a gravelly ditch, thick forest spreading out beyond that. Janice was sitting at the bottom of the ditch, looking a little dusty, her hair coming loose from her ponytail. Beth noticed blood running down one of her legs, and quickly slid down the ditch, landing beside her.

"Are you okay? What happened?" she asked a little breathlessly, reaching out to touch her leg. There was a large scrape, starting at the side of Janice's thigh and running halfway down her leg, blood tricking from the wound.

Janice shrugged and flinched away from her, swiping at some of the blood with her fingers.

"So now you're not even going to talk to me?" Beth asked. "After that whole scene back at the cottage?"

Janice pursed her lips and glanced at her. "I was running and this idiot in a sports car drove too close to me. I tried to veer out of the way and ended up slipping. He didn't even stop."

"What an asshole," Beth muttered. "Why were you running?"

Janice shrugged again. "It was a faster way to leave."

"You know you could have just taken a vehicle," Beth said gently, touching her shoulder. "They've been known to move pretty fast."

Janice looked over at her and smiled, and then covered her face with her hands and started to sob.

Beth didn't say anything, but she took off the sweatshirt she was wearing, revealing her tank top underneath, and pressed the article of clothing against the taller woman's leg to try to stop the bleeding. This only made Janice cry harder.

"Beth, I'm so sorry," she choked out.

"I know you are," Beth whispered. "I'm sorry too."

Janice sniffled and looked over at her, wiping her eyes. "What are you sorry for?"

"A lot of things," Beth said softly. "A lot of situations I didn't handle properly. A lot of things that should have been said or done differently. For being so closed off for so long. I'm mad at you for not being truthful about things, but there are things I haven't been truthful about either."

"We're quite a pair," Janice said ruefully.

"That we are," Beth agreed, her smile shaky and a little sad. She reached out to lightly smooth Janice's ruffled hair back from her forehead.

"Beth, can you ever forgive me?" Janice asked quietly, her large dark eyes, still brimming with unshed tears, fixed on her intently.

"Janice, if you're talking about what happened at the cabin, I already told you that there's nothing to forgive," Beth replied softly. "The whole Molly situation...I think that's something I'm going to have to work on."

Janice nodded, dragging an arm across her eyes. "That's fair." She took a shaky breath. "But as for what you said before, Beth, there's nothing to be sorry for. You acted the only way you knew how, after everything that had happened. Maybe your body and brain just needed to be protected from further harm, so you had to shut down for awhile, push everyone away and be alone. And the other things, the PTSD, the anxiety, the nightmares, none of those are your fault."

Beth bit her lip for a moment and looked at the taller woman, her heart beginning to pound with uncertainly. "Janice...those things that Molly said on the phone..."

Janice covered her eyes and looked away.

"Is it true that you didn't actually mean what you said? Were you really just saying those things so you wouldn't have to be alone, because you needed someone and I wasn't there? Or because..." Her voice trailed off and she stifled back a sob. "Or because you actually meant them? Is that the kind of person I've become? Is that what everyone thinks of me now?" Her chin quivered and she tried desperately to hold the tears at bay, but they came spilling down her cheeks, faster and faster. "I'm so ashamed of the person I've become."

"Oh, Beth. God, I am so sorry." Janice reached for her and Beth fell into her arms, both of them crying hard, clutching at each other like they never wanted to let go.

"No, no, you're not like that at all," Janice sobbed, and Beth felt herself being pulled into the other woman's lap. She tried to pull away, not wanting to aggravate her injury, but Janice only held her tighter, not letting her go. "I will never forgive myself for saying those terrible things. You are not that person, and you never have been. You're warm and loving and wonderful, and you only pulled away because of all the trauma you had been through."

Beth buried her head in Janice's neck, weeping like she would never stop. It seemed like all the pain from everything in her past, everything that had happened when she was a teenager, everything that happened over the last year, was pouring out of her and, soaking into Janice's shirt. Janice cried with her, cradling her like a baby on her lap, rocking her back and forth. They were so wrapped up in each other, they didn't even hear the truck pull over to the side of the road beside them.

"Hey!" a rough male voice suddenly yelled, and they both jerked their heads up, startled. A silver truck was pulled over behind the one Beth had borrowed from Amanda, and a big burly man with a beard was poking his head out of the passenger side window, a similar-looking man in the driver's seat craning his head to look at them.

Beth felt Janice hold her even tighter in her protective embrace. "What do you want?" the taller woman asked warily.

"We just wanted to make sure you ladies were alright," the burly man said. "We saw this here truck parked all askew and you girls down in the ditch. Were you in an accident?"

"My friend hurt her leg, but she's okay," Beth piped up, easing herself off of Janice's lap, although the other woman kept a firm grip on her arm. "We were just about to head back home."

"Oh. Well, okay then," the man replied. "The way you two were crying and carrying on down there, we figured someone had died."

Beth and Janice glanced at each other sheepishly and began getting to their feet.

"Thanks for checking on us," Beth said. "We appreciate it. Everything is fine, though."

"Okay, you ladies have a lovely day," the man said cheerfully, and they peeled away from the curb, driving off down the road, dust flying in their wake.

"Well, that was a little embarrassing," Beth chuckled, helping Janice climb out of the ditch.

"No worries." Janice appeared unconcerned, now that the potential danger had passed. "Sorry, Beth, I got blood all over your sweatshirt," she said, trying to hand it back to her.

"No, you keep it for your leg," Beth replied. "There's a first aid kit back at the cottage that we can use to fix you up."

"Thanks," Janice said, grimacing as she got into the passenger side of the truck. "At least it stopped bleeding."

They sat there for a minute, just looking at each other, Beth anxiously jingling the keys in one of her hands. "Janice," she started, and then stopped to take a deep breath. She needed to get this out, needed to tell someone, needed help. "Something bad has been happening."

"I know," Janice said softly, reaching over to take her hand.

Beth's brow wrinkled in confusion. "You know?"

"I heard you whispering to someone this morning," Janice said, running her thumb gently back and forth along the back of Beth's hand. "But Tracy and Amanda were asleep. And I know you weren't talking to me. Tell me the truth, Beth. Were you talking to Ray?"

Beth felt a wave of nausea and fought down the urge to be sick. She leaned her head against the steering wheel for a moment, gathering her nerve, and Janice laid her hand on her head. "Just take your time, sweetie."

Beth raised her head and looked at the other woman, her still-teary eyes full of empathy and concern. "Yes," she whispered. "Ray was in the room this morning. I couldn't see him because he was in the shadows, and I tried to keep my eyes closed, but he was talking to me and then he screamed right in my face."

Janice blew out a breath and closed her eyes for a moment. "Oh, Beth."

"I know it's crazy," Beth continued. "But I know he's not really there, I do."

"And last night?" Janice prompted gently.

"What?" Beth was startled.

"Did something happen in the forest? You were lying on the ground like you had been attacked. You were traumatized, sweetheart."

Beth looked away, and Janice reached over and lightly took hold of her chin to turn her face back toward her. "Please tell me."

"Ray raped me in the woods, Janice," Beth choked out, and the tears spilled over again. "I mean, I know he didn't really. I know that now, but when it was happening...it was so real. He was right there, looking exactly the same, but then..." She felt another wave of nausea. "Then he was just bones."

She had to look away from the horrified, stricken expression on Janice's face.

"I know it wasn't real but it felt like I was being raped all over again," Beth whispered. "Please help me, Janice. I need help."

The taller woman had turned toward the window and it was obvious that she was choking back more tears.

"I'm sorry if this is too much. I'm sorry if I'm too much too handle. I know it's a lot." Beth covered her face with her hands and laid her head back down on the steering wheel, but jerked back upright again when she heard the passenger door open and close.

For a moment she was stricken, thinking that Janice was leaving her there alone on the side of the road after her disturbing revelation, but then the driver's side door swung open, and Janice was pulling Beth out of her seat and into her arms. Beth clung to the taller woman, feeling like she was holding on for dear life, and Janice clung back just as tightly.

"It's okay, Beth," she whispered in her ear. "We're going to get you some help as soon as we get home. And I'll be with you every step of the way. I'm sorry you had to go through that last night, all alone. But you're never going to be alone again, not if I can help it."

Beth leaned up to press her lips to Janice's, and they shared a slow, sweet kiss, tears still streaming down both of their faces. A car drove slowly by them, a couple of teen boys hooting and hollering, and they realized they were making another scene on the side of the road.

"Maybe we should continue this back at the cottage," Beth said with a rueful smile.

"Yeah, I think that's a good idea," Janice chuckled, hugging her tightly one last time before they both got back into the truck.

The ride back to the cottage was quiet, but it was a peaceful kind of quiet. Beth felt depleted, raw, but better somehow, and she held Janice's hand while she drove.

Tracy and Amanda were hosing down the SUV when they bumped back into the driveway, a bucket of soapy water next to the vehicle, all the doors wide open. They stopped what they were doing as soon as they spotted the truck, but then quickly resumed the cleaning when Beth and Janice made no move to get out of the truck.

"We should probably get out," Beth said after a moment of silence. "We need to get your leg fixed up. And they're really worried about us."

"We will in a minute," Janice said, holding her hand again. "My leg is okay. It's not bleeding anymore. I'm glad we were finally able to talk, Beth. I know this doesn't make everything okay, but at least we're on the right road now."

Beth smiled softly at her.

"And if anything else happens while we're here, please let me know," Janice said quietly, gripping her hand harder for a moment. "You don't have to go through it alone."

"I will," Beth replied. "Thank you." She leaned over to kiss her again, and Janice responded immediately.

When they pulled away, Beth glanced out the window and couldn't help but laugh. "Hmm, I think Tracy's happy for us," she snickered, and Janice craned her neck to see the blonde woman peering around the SUV, a big cheesy grin on face, flashing them the thumbs up sign.

"Oh my god," Janice muttered, shaking her head and covering her eyes. "That girl is one of a kind, isn't she?"

"She sure is," Beth agreed, still laughing, as they got out of the truck.

Amanda was standing there smiling at them, and was just about to say something, when Tracy suddenly sprayed her with the hose.

"Tracy!" she shrieked, looking like she was about to get angry, but then suddenly picking up the bucket of soapy water, tossing it on the blonde woman in retaliation. Tracy screamed and began running around the SUV with Amanda on her heels.

Beth looked at Janice and rolled her eyes, before leaning down to pick up the hose and join in.

xxx

 _*Song lyrics are from Brian McKnight & Vanessa Williams' "Love Is"_


	18. Chapter 18

**This is the final chapter. Thanks to those you of who read and reviewed; it was much appreciated! It's been an interesting experience, finally posting some of my writing, and I'm hoping to post new stories in the near future. Hopefully my writer's block has taken a long vacation this time. :)**

xxx

" _I am the sound of love's arriving_

 _Echoed softly on the sand_

 _Lay your head upon my shoulder_

 _Lay your hand within my hand_

 _I give you all that I am_

 _And I breathe where you breathe_

 _Let me stand where you stand_

 _With all that I am."_

xxx

Janice sat on the deck, enjoying her last dinner of the trip. If the day had started out on a sad, somewhat chaotic note, the remainder of the day couldn't have been more opposite. Now that everything was out in the open and the things that needed to be said had been said, it was as if a wave of peaceful relief had taken over the cottage. Everything was calm and everyone was being a bit more careful with each other. There was more silence now, but it was comfortable, everyone enjoying their last night together.

Things were by no means perfect, but it felt like some light was finally shining through the darkness. Janice knew everything was going to be very different when they got back to L.A. After the water fight and the ensuing clean up, after everyone had showered and finally had something to eat, Beth had told Amanda and Tracy about her hallucinations. There had been more tears and shock, but they had talked everything through, and Beth seemed firmly committed to getting help when they got home.

Janice knew the other woman wouldn't be able to return to work, at least not right away, and she was making plans to take more time off to help Beth adjust to whatever her new reality was going to be, once she had reached out to her doctor and explained in all honesty what she had been experiencing. Beth had been quiet and introspective for the majority of the day, and Janice had been keeping a close eye on her, trying to refrain from asking repeatedly if she was okay. Beth seemed resigned to whatever was going to happen upon their return home, and was taking it in her stride.

Janice was proud of the smaller woman for finally taking this giant, much-needed step forward to getting her life back on track, and was both relieved and apprehensive for what awaited them. Their lives had held so much upheaval, so much uncertainly for so long now, but there seemed to be a ray of light, a spark of hope, that everything might settle down again, might be become mundane, ordinary, this whole nightmare finally put behind them.

Janice knew it wasn't going to be an easy road by any means, and that things might actually get worse before they started getting better, but at least there seemed to be somewhat of a plan now, some resolve in climbing out of this dark hole that they all seemed to have fallen into. She and Beth had a long road ahead personally, as well, as she knew the whole situation with Molly was likely to have some consequences that would last for awhile. They needed to rebuild their trust and take it slow with each other, but Janice was committed to doing whatever it took to keep Beth in her life and move forward with her. Beth was the one.

After dinner they strolled around the property, tending to anything that needed to be put away or cleaned up before they left. They swam one last time in the lake, as the sun was going down, and it was as if the sky was giving them a beautiful farewell, streaks of soft pink and orange illuminating the few wispy clouds.

Janice sat on the dock with the girls, sipping wine and munching on chips. They had brought a few goodies down to the water to celebrate the last night of a wildly up and down vacation. She was glad the trip seemed to be ending on a content note, and despite all the insanity of the past week, was happy they had come to this place, was grateful for all the craziness. Everything was so different than it had been one week prior, when they were packing up to leave, when they had all been so uncertain what the trip had in store for them, when Beth had still been so remote and out of reach.

Janice bumped the smaller woman gently with her shoulder, reaching over to take her hand into her own. Beth smiled at her, the colours of the sunset reflected in her dark eyes, the wind gently ruffling her long hair.

"Hey, Janice," Tracy said, slinging an arm around her shoulders. "We understand if you two want to spend the night alone, but Amanda and I were wondering if you guys wanted to have a proper slumber party, for our last night here. The master bedroom has a king-size bed, so we can all fit. I know we kind of had a sleepover last night, but it was under, um, less than ideal circumstances."

Janice looked over at Beth to gauge her reaction. She had wanted to spend the night alone with the smaller women, in light of everything that had happened over the past day, but if Beth wanted a slumber party, that was okay with her.

Beth looked back at Janice and shrugged, smiling. "Yeah, that could be fun. It would be nice to end this vacation on a happy note."

"Great!" Tracy was very enthused and everyone laughed, making plans to pop some popcorn and bring more wine up to Amanda's room when they were ready to go inside.

Later that night the four of them were snuggled up side by side in the massive bed in the master bedroom, telling stories and laughing, like they had on their first night there, and Janice had to admit that it had been a good idea. Beth was fully engaged with them, no zoning out, and was even telling a few of her own stories. Janice knew that things were likely to be pretty rough for her again, once they got back to the city, so she was happy that the other woman was having a good night.

She and Beth were situated in the middle of the bed, with Amanda beside Janice and Tracy beside Beth. Janice wanted the smaller woman to feel very warm and cozy and safe, surrounded by her friends, especially since she knew Beth's brain was being a little tricky at the moment.

She kept her fingers linked with Beth's underneath the covers, as they all talked, but once in awhile Beth untangled them so she could rub Janice's thigh, where she had been injured earlier that day. It was bandaged up and was aching a bit, and Beth would tenderly run her fingers over it from time to time before linking their hands back together.

When Tracy began telling a ghost story, they all started cracking up, remembering her ridiculous stories from the night they had gone stargazing. Again, Tracy insisted they were true and began pouting when they kept teasing her.

Beth's hand was suddenly on Janice's thigh again, but this time she was gripping it instead of lightly rubbing, and she winced, taking the other woman's hand in her own and turning to look at her. Beth had gone sheet white, her lips trembling and her breath coming out in short pants.

"Hey, Beth, what's wrong?" Tracy asked in alarm, abruptly cutting off the story she was telling.

"Do you see Ray?" Janice whispered in her ear, and was immensely relieved when her boss shook her head. "Okay, I think you're having a panic attack, sweetie. Just try to slow your breathing down."

"What happened, Beth?" Tracy asked, very concerned. "You seemed okay a minute ago."

Beth shrugged and bent over, trying to take big gulps of air in now and sounding like she was choking.

"Just take it easy, honey," Amanda soothed, reaching around Janice to grip Beth's leg. "Slow breaths."

Beth couldn't seem to get herself under control, and Tracy slipped out of bed and hurriedly left the room, in search of the baggie of pills.

"Move forward, sweetheart," Janice instructed her softly, and Beth managed to slide a few inches further away on the bed, so Janice could squeeze in behind her, enveloping the tiny woman in her embrace, her legs bracing Beth's and her arms wrapped around her waist. She scooted back against the pillows, bringing Beth with her, and pulling the covers up around them. Amanda snuggled up against Janice's side, and reached out to take one of Beth's hands.

Tracy came back into the room, a pill in her hand, and she climbed under the covers beside them, asking Beth to open her mouth so she could slide one under her tongue. Beth complied, and Tracy took hold of her other hand, squeezing it comfortingly.

They all sat there, talking gently, wrapped around each other, as they coaxed the smallest member of the group to breathe. Janice could feel how hard Beth's heart was pounding, and she slipped both hands underneath Beth's shirt, under the blankets, and rested one on the smooth skin of her stomach and the other on her chest, feeling the fluttery, rapid beat underneath her palm.

"Just breathe slowly," she whispered in her ear, and felt the smaller woman shiver against her and lean her head back on her shoulder. "We're all here with you. You're safe."

They stayed that way for several minutes, murmuring softly from time to time and waiting for the pill to take affect. Finally Beth seemed to calm down and she pulled her hands away from Amanda and Tracy so she could hold onto both of Janice's.

"Are you okay now?" Tracy asked softly.

Beth nodded, and it looked like the colour was coming back into her cheeks. "Sorry," she muttered. "I didn't mean to interrupt the latest ghost story."

Everyone giggled, the tension breaking a little, and Janice hugged Beth tightly from behind.

"Hey, you're allowed to interrupt if you're having a panic attack," Tracy chuckled.

"What happened?" Amanda asked gently. "What triggered it?"

"I was thinking about Ray," Beth murmured. "And how I'm afraid I'm going to see him again."

"Oh, baby." Janice rocked her gently for a moment. "You won't have to worry about that for much longer. Things are going to be changing very soon. Hopefully Ray will become a part of your past and stay there this time."

"That would be nice," Beth said with a tremulous smile. "I hate being scared all the time."

Janice hugged her tighter, and the others joined in, everyone snuggled up together on the bed. "We're going to fix this," she promised with confidence. "We'll fix it so you never have to be scared again."

She felt Beth grip her hands hard for a moment and then heard her heave a giant sigh.

"Thank you so much, everyone," she whispered. "If I didn't have you all in my life, I don't think I would still be here. I definitely couldn't have gotten through this past week without your support. You all mean the world to me, and I love you."

"We love you too, Beth, so much," Janice whispered, starting to feel overcome with emotion. It still hit her very hard when she thought about everything the smaller woman had been through, how close she had come to losing Beth, more than once. Amanda and Tracy voiced their agreement and they all embraced.

"Wow, this night just got really sappy really fast," Tracy said, and they all laughed.

"Well, I can solve that," Amanda replied impishly, reaching around Janice and Beth to smack Tracy in the face with a pillow.

"Payback for the pillow fight the other night," Janice snickered, as Tracy gave an indignant shriek.

"And this afternoon with the hose," Amanda added.

"Yeah, Tracy, you do seem to be a bit of an instigator," Beth said, smirking at her best friend, before they all began pelting her with pillows.

A very long-winded pillow fight ensued, before everyone finally collapsed with exhaustion, dropping off one by one into sleep.

When Janice woke up sometime later, it was still dark, and there was a warm weight directly on top of her, arms and legs tangled with hers, and a curtain of long dark hair spilling over her face. She gently moved Beth's hair out of her eyes, and rubbed the smaller woman's back, noticing she was trembling.

"Hey," she whispered, as quietly as she could, not wanting to wake their friends up. "Beth? Are you awake?"

The other woman whimpered and then mumbled something, sounding somewhere between awake and asleep.

Janice caught the name "Ray" and sighed, rubbing her back a little more vigorously, trying to get her to fully awaken. "Beth," she said softly into her ear. "Wake up, babe."

Beth moaned, and Tracy shifted next to them, rolling over and burying her face in her pillow.

"Ray's in here."

"He's not, honey. It's just us girls," Janice whispered.

Amanda's arm suddenly flew up and smacked Janice in the face, and she sighed again, trying to roll onto her side with Beth still in her arms. She had half a mind to lift the smaller woman out of the bed and carry her into one of the other bedrooms so everyone could try to get a decent night's sleep before their long trip home in a few hours, but she didn't want to disturb anyone more than they already had.

"It's not safe," Beth murmured. "He won't leave me alone."

"He will soon, honey," Janice soothed. "I promise." She reached under the smaller woman's shirt to run her hands along warm bare skin, drawing circles down her spine and across her ribs with one of her fingers.

Beth began to settle back down, and Janice didn't think she had ever been fully awake in the first place. She hoped Beth had been just dreaming about Ray, instead of actually seeing him in the bedroom. She continued drawing soothing patterns on the smaller woman's skin, under Beth's breathing became deep and even and the shaking stopped.

Only when she was completely still and quiet, could Janice let herself drop back off to sleep, safe and warm in the company of her friends.

The next morning was a flurry of activity as everyone began packing up for the trip home, making plans to stop into town to pick up lunch for later. They cooked one last breakfast and ate out on the deck in front of the sparkling turquoise water, sipping large cups of coffee. The sun was high in the sky and shining brightly down on them, the temperature perfect; it was a great day for traveling.

Janice sat there, with Beth's hand tucked into her own, staring out at the lake, realizing how much she was going to miss the spectacular view. Although she was eager to get on the road and get on with whatever was going to happen when they arrived back in Los Angeles, part of her wished they could just stay at the cottage, holed up in the perfection of this place, never to face the reality that awaited them. She felt torn between wanting to move into the future and wanting to stay put, where it was beautiful and serene and safe. But she knew that Beth would never feel safe anywhere, no matter where the were, until things started to change.

"Well, I think it's time to get on the road ladies," Amanda announced, stacking her coffee cup on top of her plate and looking around at all of them with a smile.

"I'm going to miss this place," Tracy said wistfully. "No matter how crazy it was here, it was still good. I think all in all, we've had a great week."

"Yes, we have," Janice agreed, smiling softly at Beth, who was looking back at her with large dark eyes, one corner of her lip slightly turned up. She knew there were a million things running through the other woman's mind, and she gripped her hand a little tighter.

"Let's go home."

xxx

" _Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself_

 _Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms_

 _There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast_

 _Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life_

 _If you knew how lonely my life had been_

 _And how long I've been so alone_

 _And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along_

 _And change my life the way you've done_

 _It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me_

 _It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from_

 _It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me_

 _It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong."_

xxx

"Hey, Beth, you almost ready to go? The limo is going to be here in a minute!"

"Yeah, I'm ready," she replied, taking one last critical look at herself in the full length mirror.

"You look beautiful," Janice assured her, coming up behind her and wrapping her arms around her waist. They looked at themselves in the mirror, in their matching lavender bridesmaids dresses, their hair styled in the same elegant up-do, and smiled at each other.

Outside their bedroom, things were chaos, a flurry of voices and laughter and activity, and for once it was a good kind of chaos. Amanda was out there in her wedding dress, waiting for the limousine to arrive, her sisters and Tracy with her, all in the same matching bridesmaids dresses. They had chosen Beth and Janice's house as the designated getting-ready place, and Jack, Ben, Ethan, and others were at a different, likely just as chaotic, location.

"I hope Jack didn't drink too much at his bachelor party last night," Janice snickered. "Amanda might kill him."

Beth grinned, feeling a flutter of intense happiness for her friends. The wedding was something everyone had been looking forward to for a long time, and she was glad Amanda and Jack had been able to work out their past differences, and she knew Ethan was ecstatic that his parents were finally getting married.

A year had passed since their vacation in Lake Tahoe, and with it had come some big, much-needed changes. Amanda and Jack had gotten engaged shortly after they had returned to Los Angeles, and plans for the wedding had been dominating a large portion of the last several months. Upon their return from the cottage, Tracy and Ben had struck up a close friendship, and curiously, Ben had broken up with his girlfriend only a month later. If pressed, they both steadfastly refused to confirm they were dating, but Tracy had a sparkle in her eye and a spring in her step that couldn't be ignored. Beth knew this was the first time that her best friend had spent any significant amount of time with a man since the whole Perry debacle, and she knew Ben was being very careful with her. She couldn't think of a better man for Tracy to be taking the first awkward steps back into dating with. Tracy had been continuing with her support group, but had ended her therapy, and except for a few panic attacks here and there, seemed firmly entrenched in glorious, normal life, no longer plagued by nightmares of her time with Perry and Ray.

For Beth and Janice, the last year had been a very long, tough road. Beth had worked very hard to get to where she was today, but there had been times when she had honestly thought she wasn't going to make it. Sheer grit and determination and the never ending support of Janice and their friends were what had gotten her through the worst of it.

She had known that it was going to be difficult upon her return to Los Angeles, but even she hadn't anticipated just how grueling and life-changing things would become. After suffering another hallucination on the way home from the cottage, Beth had been driven straight to the emergency room of Cedars-Sinai Medical Center and had not returned home for six weeks. After an assessment in the ER, she had been admitted into a program for a variety of types of PTSD sufferers, and her journey had begun.

Her abrupt disappearance from the Threat Assessment Unit had caused some waves and difficulties, and after an initial period of adjustment, where Vicki Gregg was again in charge, Janice had been promoted to lieutenant. Beth was so entrenched in her recovery program by that point, that there was no initial jealously, only pride that Janice was exactly where she belonged. There was however, an acute sense of loss that her life had once again been thrown into a major upheaval and what she loved to do most in the world had been taken away from her. As she slogged through her days at the treatment center, desperate for results, longing for home, she missed Janice and her friends and co-workers more than she ever could have imagined. They came to visit from time to time, and she and Janice communicated as much as they were allowed, but it wasn't enough, and she had begun to feel herself slipping out of their lives.

When she had finally been able to return home to her apartment, instead of feeling relief, it felt foreign, like she didn't belong there anymore. She felt separated from everyone, apart, like she didn't belong with Janice or any of their friends. Of course, Janice and her friends wouldn't stand for this, and made sure she was included in everything that was happening, and tried to keep her involved in things that would take her mind off of the fact that she still wasn't back at work.

It was three full months before she returned to the TAU, and she was now working under Janice, along with Jack and Ben and a newcomer who had joined them in Beth's absence. She was relegated to desk duty, no longer allowed in the field for an undetermined period of time, and she chafed at not being able to do what she was meant to do, at having to take orders from someone she herself had hired to be her second in command. The jealously did come out then, when she saw how efficiently and differently Janice ran the unit, when she had to watch the others go out into the field while she was continually left behind to take care of things in the office. She had eventually been allowed to return to field work, but it was six months before she had been able to do so, and she had yet to regain her position as lieutenant. That was Janice's job now, and it would remain her job, for as long as she wanted it, or was promoted further up the ladder. She knew Janice had mixed feelings about the job, but she was in her glory, in her element, and it was obvious that was where she was meant to be. It had taken Beth a very long time to come to terms with it, but she had eventually adjusted, yet again, to a new reality.

The time she had been away in the treatment program, her recovery at home, and Janice taking her spot at the TAU, took a toll on their fledgling relationship, so much so, that they had ended up having to break things off for several weeks. Those weeks apart had been so painful and difficult, that they realized they couldn't stand not being together, and resolved to work even harder to get through everything life seemed to be throwing at them. Janice also had to deal with the fallout of her relationship with Molly, after Beth had been admitted into the hospital and things were up in the air at the TAU, and Beth knew that the other woman had suffered a lot more than she let on, during that time. She hadn't talked about Molly a whole lot while Beth was in treatment, but she knew there had been more than one explosive argument between them, and that they were no longer on speaking terms, having completely cut ties with each other.

Along with everything that Beth was trying to cope with upon returning home, she still had trust issues with Janice that had not been resolved for a very long time. But by bit, step by step, they had begun to try to rebuild their relationship and move on, determined to have a happier, healthier future. When they had still been on shaky terms with each other, Tracy, Amanda, and the guys had taken turns staying with Beth at her apartment after her release from the treatment program, until she felt safe enough to stay alone. It reminded her of when everyone had done the same when Ray and Perry had been on the loose, wreaking havoc in all of their lives. As she and Janice began to mend things between them, the other woman began staying over from time to time, taking the place of one of the others, until eventually she was just there all the time.

A couple of months ago, they had taken a huge step and bought a house together, as Beth could no longer stand being cooped up her high rise apartment, and Janice had always hated her place. They finally had a backyard where they could have a garden and grow vegetables and invite their friends over for barbecues. By that time, they had been spending so much time together at Beth's place, that it wasn't too much of an adjustment to start living with one another in their own home.

Beth still considered herself a work in progress, as she was still in therapy every other week and was trying to find a support group that met her needs and worked for her. So far, she hadn't had as much success as Tracy had had in that area, so she had joined a martial arts group to try to let out some of her frustration and aggression. She no longer had hallucinations and the panic attacks were a lot less frequent, but the nightmares were still a pretty common occurrence, so she was just trying to deal with things as they happened. She had the tools to deal with everything better now, and she felt confident that she would eventually be free of the nightmares that plagued her. She was no longer terrified of the silence and the shadows, afraid that Ray would show up out of nowhere and throw her back into turmoil. She had even been for several hikes in the woods with Janice, while keeping her anxiety to a minimum.

She had managed to wean herself off of most of the medication she had been prescribed upon her admittance to the program and was now eating full meals again and getting more sleep. It had resulted in her putting on some much needed weight and the colour had returned to her cheeks. She had recently taken a bold step and chopped off half of her hair, dyeing it a much lighter colour, and Janice had been stunned at first, but had grown to love it.

She had been terrified that all of her hard work and progress would come to a sudden and complete halt on the one-year anniversary of the abduction, and the day had ended up being the toughest one she had had in quite some time. She had gotten through it, though, with the help of Janice, who had been true to her word and never given up on her.

Beth took one last look at herself in the mirror before turning around to face her girlfriend, linking her arms around her neck and smiling up at her. They had come so far in the almost half dozen years they had known each other, and Beth couldn't imagine her life without her. She had never loved and been loved more completely.

"I love you," she said softly, pressing a gentle kiss to Janice's carefully lipsticked mouth.

"I love you too," Janice replied, tenderly plucking at a wisp of hair that had come loose from her up-do.

There was the sudden honk of a horn from out front and a squeal went up from all of the women in the living room.

"I think the limo has arrived," Janice said with a laugh. "We better get out there. We don't want to keep the bride waiting. She's waited long enough for this day."

"I think we've all waited long enough for this day," Beth said quietly, reaching out to link their fingers together. "A year ago today, we left for Lake Tahoe. And now look where we are. Look how much has changed. Look how far we've all come."

"Look how far _you've_ come," Janice corrected gently, a fierce note of pride in her voice.

They stood there gazing at each other for a moment, Beth lost in memories of the past year, and guessing that Janice was too. It had been a long, hard road, and nothing was ever going to be perfect, but perfection was overrated, as far as Beth was concerned. She was with the love of her life, on the road to recovery, and their house was filled with friends.

A pounding on the door interrupted their moment of reflection, making them jump, Tracy's voice yelling at them to hurry up.

Beth and Janice looked at each other and laughed.

"Well, I guess some things never change," Janice chuckled, rolling her eyes.

Beth grinned, squeezing Janice's hand, and they walked out to the living room together, where their friends awaited.

xxx

 _*Song lyrics are from Rob Thomas' "All That I Am" and Chantal Kreviazuk's "Feels Like Home"_


End file.
